After writing that yesterday, I battled myself for a while as to whether I should bring my feelings to his attention or not. Then I had the notion (thanks to SD and another friend from the board) that if I did not, I would not be keeping with my DB'ing approach. I finally recognized that I was afraid that if I brought it up to him, that he would have already fallen back into his old patterns and get pissed at me. I now recognize that if he has truely learned from all of this, he will understand my need to discuss these things. If not, then I know we will go right back to the bad place......
So I sat here and composed an email (this is how I communicated with him while he was gone and it was very effective for me; it helped me re-frame what I wanted to say in a non-threatening or accusatory way) and described what was bothering me. Here is what I wrote:
"I've been stuffing these ugly feelings since Friday when we had that discussion before dinner. I don't want to feel like I can't get things off of my chest anymore. That would just lead us down the wrong road again. You know when I stuff my feelings, they come back in bad ways. Usually in angry ways. I want more from our relationship, so I need to tell you these things. Not as a way to hurt you but as a form of intimacy that we should be sharing at this juncture in our marriage. Please don't take personal offense.
This whole BFF thing has knocked me for a loop. I feel like I have fresh wounds again and I am having a difficult time separating what BFF is doing from what you have done in the past. It all brings back too many bad memories. Not to mention the shear betrayal of someone closest to me again.
I hate being the one to have to deal with this all the time. I feel like I have a target on my back that says "Lie To Me because I am a Sucker".
I want very much to feel secure in our Relationship but I do not, at least not right now. I feel very undesirable and used.
I hope you can understand that this is not an attack on you. This is about me and my feelings right now.
Thanks for listening, ME"
I was pleasantly surprised at his response: "I can certainly understand all that. I felt kind of wierd at the table too and didn't feel comfortable sitting next to BFF but I didn't want to make anyone feel like a pariah and move away. So I can relate to your feelings on that.
I apologize for last night, I was feeling really stressed like I didn't have everything done and in order and ready to roll for the morning. Plus I feel like I just need that downtime to unwind or I have terrible sleeps. So I'm sorry for acting so stressed out.
I understand the need to get things like this off your chest. I'm just sorry that I didn't understand that earlier in our relationship and that by taking offense to these things I caused you to stuff them thereby creating that wall. So I am thankful in that sense that I've learned to recognize that.
I love you more than ever and miss you when you're not around."
I was most please at this part : "I'm just sorry that I didn't understand that earlier in our relationship and that by taking offense to these things I caused you to stuff them thereby creating that wall" - this speaks volumes to me.
So I think it only comes when the WAS has truely recognized how they have contributed to the demise of the M and learns how to "LISTEN" to what their partner is saying instead of taking it as an attack on them (which was classic of my WAS).
So getting back on here has already been benificial. I intend to keep posting....
