Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

fib,

Thank you, my friend. I have let go finally. The strange thing is that I lasted much longer working to control both my XW and the final outcome of my efforts. Additionally, I did know that I would be done when I was done, akin to flipping off a light switch. It was that easy when I finally reached the point when I actually could let go, I was and am done. The only remaining part of my prophesy yet to be fulfilled is XW letting me know she's ready to begin working on reconciling our R/M. I've already told her in the beginning that that WILL happen and that if she waited til I was done, that it would be HIGHLY unlikely that I'd reconsider my decision to let go after all this time. I know that I WILL NOT entertain that thought, and I will be kind and thoughtful when she does come back hoping for another opportunity. I'm just done. She'll never change, and I have and I am changing. Putting me back together, and that's a full-time job for me and my children (and hopefully for TAP; we'll see...).

I will spend some time on the other board, telling about my being stuck in the muck a foot above my head and being completely unable to see any type of light. I'm much happier now, having unshackled myself from my own need to feel in control of 'something.' I feel much more love for my XW today, than I have since we split. That's probably because I've accepted the reality of what is and stopped trying to control what I have no hope to ever control. Working on controlling me now.

Thank you fib and frank_D. You both have been a huge help in getting my feet out of my own mental 'quik-crete' and helped me to start moving forward in my own healthy way. God bless.