I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

VH: thanks!
i am having a really hard time detaching. i can't stop thinking about him, i can't stop snooping, every bad incident thats ever happened plays out over and over and over in my head. and then there are the good times that play out over and over again that makes me sad because i dont have it anymore.

i know i am letting him control my emotions and its extremely unhealthy. i dont know what to do about it. he definitely left because i was too needy, i dumped all of my emotional baggage on him and i was just too dependent on him to make me happy. he just couldnt take it anymore. in the last email, he did say that his dream was for me to become content within myself, WITHOUT HIM. so i know what the problem was and is and i know what i need to fix, its just so hard to move on.

i was having this talk with my IC yesterday about how i should think back to the times when i felt good about myself and to write everything down about myself that i loved. she asked me what i liked about myself and i was only able to give her like 2 things. she told me when i go to bed, instead of thinking about him, think about everything i loved about myself instead and that would help in reducing the vivid dreams i have about him and increase positive dreams about ME. but its so hard, i lie in bed and daydream about all the changes i can make and what id like to be like in months or a year to come and imagine myself bumping into him somewhere and hes so amazed at how much ive changed and falls in love with me again. i know its all fantasy, but i cant stop thinking about stuff like that every night, every day.

i do try and think about the good things about me but because i feel so abandoned and ugly, i cant see anything good about myself. i see some, but not as much as i should. i dont love myself like i should and it breaks my heart that i cant feel that love for myself that i feel for my H. i know once i learn to love myself that my love towards my H will be much healthier but im so scared that im never gonna get that chance and sometimes that makes me not even want to continue to improve myself because i dont even know if im going to get him back. but i know i have to do this for me and its important for me to survive and enjoy life to the fullest.

ive been doing so much today, more than i thought i was capable of doing because i didnt feel too good when i woke up but i forced myself to work on a few projects and i got them done, but it was tough because i was thinking about him the entire time and my stomach was just in knots constantly because the negative events that occurred between my H and I just wouldnt leave my mind. everyone says do something to take your mind off the H but EVERYTIME i do something, it doesnt take him off my mind at all. i dont know what else to do. im trying so hard to detach, to do things that make me happy, to get my mind off him, but nothing works and thats a major problem. i feel like he will never be out of my head and that he will control my thoughts for a very very long time to come and i dont want that. im so sick of it, there are so many other things that i WANT to think about but when i try, it rewinds back to the H. theres always SOMETHING that reminds me of him. there's always a reason for me not to feel good enough. and im sooo utterly sick of it.

i feel like i should be progressively moving on by now, its been nearly 6 weeks. and i still feel like i did the day he left. im sorry im having a good vent. ive done everything i could today to not think about him and managed to get a lot done. but he is still there, he's still haunting me.