Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Best friend R long term is better than bursts of passion but shouldn't we ask for it all? blush wink

I sure signed on for BF and H. I don't expect romance and passion all the time. I just expect some reassurances of his loyalty and love. I think he thinks that being here for me, and being a good friend (and he really is) is enough, but I have told him how I feel many times and it has fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if we were ML on a regular basis would make me feel more confident of his love or, at least, that he finds me attractive and desirable. Well, maybe I'm not anymore since we have ML about twice a year on average in the last 4 years. Once when I initiated, I was turned down, so not going there again. He also works very hard, and still helps around the house with things I can't do or do slowly.

But, it's not about just the ML aspect. The other day I was thinking about life and death and choices, yadda yadda! And, it occurred to me that maybe I stood in his way to real happiness and maybe that was bad karma for me yadda yadda! I got quite emotional, as you can imagine. So, I went to him in tears saying how sorry I was to have stood in his way, if the OW was his true soul mate. I also told him that I release him from any attachment to me and that he was free to pursue her if he wanted. Of course, I was hoping for the assurance that no, he loved me and I was his soul mate and that I had done the right thing in objecting to his EA. But, he said nothing. He hugged me, but I'm not sure what that meant. This is what my H is like. You just never quite know what his actions and few words mean. He does tell me he loves me every time we speak on the phone, but there is no real, look into my eyes, reassuring, "I love you". If I say it out of the blue, he will say it back, but very seldom initiate it. I have stopped doing that because I don't want him to feel obligated to say those words. Lately, what I've been doing is hugging him when he's looking frustrated (he works from home and usually sits at the kitchen table instead of the study so I can hear it or see it when he is feeling upset over something ---- usually, when something on the computer will not comply to his wishes hahaha) and he seems to like that.

I guess at a time like this --- fighting a malignant disease --- it's pretty pointless to be worrying about all this, and generally I don't. It will all be meaningless if I lose the battle and the only thing that I will be concerned about are my children and grandchildren. I have said and done all I can as far as my M goes. There is nothing more I can do or want to do. I appreciate his friendship immensely and I understand that he must care for me very much as a member of his immediate family to still be here after all that has transpired in the last year. I also understand that it must be hard looking in from the outside at the battle I am fighting. It must be so boring to hear about blood tests, MRI's, sitting in waiting rooms, etc., although I don't talk about it often, except when something is upcoming. In fact, the illness is so far from my mind sometimes, I forget appointments, such as another icky blood test last week. I write here and on my Facebook and then generally forget about it.

I am feeling introspective today --- H is away on a business trip for 2 weeks, D16 is at camp, so it's just S22 and I and he's at work and was camping this past weekend. So, I've had a lot of time on my own which is nice, and I do keep myself busy. I rather like my own company and don't often feel lonely. A friend took me out to the mall yesterday after taking me for blood tests (ugh!). That was neat! The mall, I mean. And, the occasional outing like that is enough for me.

Well, I hope y'all are having a great summer! My D29 and my awesome grandkids are coming to visit in August. I am so excited! I just love them so much that I can't describe how much. It sure is an eternal love.

Take care.