However, in my case my H, to this day (19 months later) still never misses a chance to say we cant be married anymore.
The variation I get is "I still want to be a family, but I just don't want to be married."
uhhh...no.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I am totally projecting here so I'll speak for myself.
I don't know if I "prefer" to peel it slowly but being at a financial and relatively emotional disadvantage, it is just that last step off the cliff that is so hard to take...thus, some of us need a good push.
Sorry for the mixed metaphors.
In my sitch, my H is so cavalier, thoughtless, impulsive...I think I compensate by overanalyzing, calculating, hesitating. It is hard to stop playing the Laurel to the WAS's Hardy...
From the soon to be published, "Fun with Divorce Metaphors."
Maybe what I said didnt come out right. I didnt mean "peel it off quickly and get it over and done with" meaning your M, anyone's M. I for one am ALL for TOTAL respect of the timeline each one of us feels comfortable with (unless I see something very ...werid like DBing your ex who is married and has a child and hasnt seen you for 2 years... )
But I do feel that at some point both spouses need to be left alone with nothing else but their feelings to realise what their common life really meant to them. When there is an "excuse" to be in constant fight, stay angry, irritated, feel your spouse as your rival, you have no reason to look deeper inside. But that again is only my take and it certainly doesnt fit all cases... K
from an outside perspective, regardless of how many times and ways you say you are not ready to make that dollar amount request, you are being passive agressive about it.
This you're going to have to explain in a way that my pea-brain can comprehend. If I ask you something, and you don't know the answer, how is that passive-aggressive? How is "I don't know" passive? How is it aggressive? Not from WAW's POV -- from yours (since I will gleefully administer the mandatory injunction against mind-reading WAW).
Bill Clinton - "Depends on what your definition of is is."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
A WAW- and stress-free day. No texts, no emails. I scanned all of our old tax documents to give to The Mouthpiece, as WAW'd asked me to leave them out with some things left behind for her to pick up with Themselves tomorrow.
And for The Mouthpiece I also went through some 2,000 recovered e-mails -- amazing what your hard drive saves, sports fans! -- and archived all those from the Post-Bomb Era that had otherwise been deleted.
And while it is true that, upon the reading -- especially of those I'd sent after she'd decided but before she'd dropped The Bomb and I was still doing the "xoxo SP" thing (dramatic irony! get your dramatic irony here!) -- there was a risk of rue, of regret, of remorse, my mojo was pure and my DB kung-fu was strong, and I was able to go through them coolly, analytically, dispassionately, detach-ed-ly.
Dark-a-ly. For the lord of the manor proclaimeth, "Let there be Darkly," and there was Darkly, and it was good.
And though there was, from time-to-time, a hint of an urge, a tickle of an inkling, a bit of peckishness if you will, to maybe just dash off a wee text and taste of the age-old strife, I hied that ol' devil behind me, and I said to myself, "Siddown -- siddown you're rockin' the boat!"
Another day dawns, darkly. How are you today, Darkly? Darkly darkly.
The lines of communication remain open. WAW texted -- barely today, around 2 minutes past midnight. Knowing her, she hung on with gritted teeth until that ol' Witching Hour was upon her, trying desperately not to communicate on the day I'd been darkly. Knowing her, she views it as a contest of wills -- Humph! If he doesn't, I won't!
And darkly I replied with nary a word, but answered the text by doing what it asked be done, namely to include amongst the Things Left Behind to be picked up a wine rack WAW received as a gift from a secretary in Days Gone By, which she will gather up this evening.
And, as WAW'd requested, I copied the receipt from House O' Office Supplies for the money spent on the kids' new school year gear, so that she can reimburse me for half.
And also as WAW'd requested, I transferred the utility bills to my name only.
So I am not Dark, in that I live as if there is/was/shall be no WAW.
No, I'm Darkly. I am "friendy" -- if it needs done, and it's appropriate that it be done by me, it is done. But the doing needs no conversation.
But I don't do cruel; I don't do aloof; I don't do resentful; I don't do regretful.
But neither do I do chatty (as she'd like); happy (as she'd like); date-y (as she'd like); "normal" (as she'd like [and as she defines it]).
Darkly darkly, thank you very much, and we will see where it leads us, this path between the dawn and the dark of night, this path that is for my steps alone.
Ah, an excellent question IRL. If Darkly is darkly, what's the haps with this togetherness event that was supposed to take place this weekend?
It isn't. Real Life got in the way, as it is wont to do, on both sides. So our next face2face will be, presumably, at the MC on the 28th. Where Darkly will tread darkly.
Now you will recall, dear friends, the last time we saddled up at the MC Rodeo, way back in March, it was on my dime -- I did all the talking, and WAW did all the scowling.
This time WAW called the game; her L dealt the cards; and Darkly shall walk darkly. I will listen; I will hear; I will validate -- but I'm not giving up information, I'm not walking the Road of No Reciprocity, and I'm not speaking first.
The LBS is understandably hurt and upset and more than feels things are already decided and they are way behind. Granted.
Yet, SP, you can't yet understand what Mrs SP is saying or WHY she is saying it.
She did not just wake up one morning and say, "I think I have to get out of this marriage."
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
I am also not saying he doesn't have perfectly valid reasons for being passive agressive. It is many times a tactic that LBS's need to use. All I am saying is that him doing this is pissing her off and THAT IS WHY she is choosing to whine to her sister about him saying x when he clearly said not-x, as SP put it. I am only responding to the portion that I hi-lited in my other post.
No one is right, no one is wrong. It is all a game and LBS's are playing (usually) to hopefully win back the WAW (not that SP is still doing this but usually that is what LBS's are doing). WAS's are playing the game to exit as simply as possible with as much as they can get away with (ie: they want to just take all the assets, leave all the bullcrap, and blame it all on LBS).
Again - what I was responding to is SP's saying he doesn't understand why she would sabotage any future reconciliation with him and any future relationship he might be able to have with her sister (answer, because she does not intend to ever be with him again, so she doesn't care about the sabotage) and I was responding to "why" she would keep "lying" about him saying x when he said not-x (answer, because he has not given her any number yet and this is making her assume the worst).
Now, it could be that I have a point here and that maybe SP could just accept my point and not go further and try to make it that I am saying he is wrong or right. I am simply saying what it looks like from the outside.
DQ
Please, please, please hear what Dance Queen is saying. There are reasons behind what you think are unreasonable actions.
The very best thing you can do for yourself is read the WAS postings. It is wonderful to get support from LBS's like you, but they can be very good at sympathizing with your POV.
We are ALL hurt, shocked, a little angry, disbelieving, hoping that the WAS will "see the light before its too late" and we can fail to get past our POV to see theirs, confirming for them the very reason they walked in the first place.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
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