Thanks for dropping by and checking in. Just hearing from other people is a huge comfort here especially as I don`t want to bore my family with every nuance of the story.
I find it all pretty unbelievable myself!
He`s not home from work yet-should have been anhour ago but isn`t and of course couldn`t let me know where he is.
I get the feeling he is a bit like my W. He is happy to let things go as they are, he is getting what he wants, and isn't really too concerned about whether your are getting what you need. It could go on a long time, until you decide to change it. Of course there are different ways to do that, too!
I want to read your whole thread before commenting but I did want to say that I agree with Jeff. Think everything out before you act and there are more ways to get your point across and needs met than one.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Cat. Its something I haven`t done for a while myself, though I`m getting a sense of H`s pattern just from journalling here myself.
My second post on this thread will probably give you the best synopsis of what we`re dealing with.(Yes, H has valid issues about me too.) From reading trustinginfaith, you, Cat, I can see lots of similarities in what our H`s are going through.
Anyway, he`s on a downward trajectory at the moment. He`s back to wanting to shoot me. Home two hours late last night. Left two hours later for the night. Didn`t say where he`d been or was going.
And I`m airy and light. "Do you mind picking up DS from golf? If you`re watching football though I`ll do it" "Is the supermarket closed at 9" that was our full convo yesterday. I stay out of his way too though when he`s gunning for me!
In the past H has said various things about separation "I know I have to leave" "I`m not leaving you can go""My mother says we have to stay together" !! Yes, and in that order.
He cannot make a decision to save his life.He knows under our country`s laws I will get to live with the children in the family home and he would have to leave. I understand that he finds that hard to do. I feel sorry for Mr Nice Guy that truly was there before Alien took over.But most days now I think about contacting my solicitor again and getting the ball rolling.H isn`t there for the kids, he`s spending our money, he doing nothing around the house, he`s not facing up to his issues, running around like a lunatic and blaming me for everything.
And its bloody hard to live with someone who`s boring through you with sheer hatred in their eyes.
Anyway, on with today. I`m enjoying that part of the journey at least-the day to day fun with me and the kids stuff!
Looks like you have been getting some really good insights on your sitch in the last few days. I am so glad Snoddery in particular stopped by. Her earlier threads have been so helpful in me understanding what I am going through.
I don't have much to add compared to all the above comments right now, except I think you are doing a great job!
Ok where to start. Yes there seem to be many many similarities in our sitches. The decision making--my H has never wanted to make decisions. And then blamed me if something did not go right. And the ones he did make still somehow ended up being my fault. So I have put that on him now to a great extent. He is handling it well to surprisingly but I'm not sure if he realizes what I have done. When something has to be decided, I simply state my OPINION, what I would like, then tell him, UP TO YOU. Sounds like doormat behavior, but doesn't feel like it. When I want something, I just make it happen. For me, not for him. When he hems and haws about something, I simply ask is there a reason you feel this way and then leave him be.
Yes a lot of emotional abuse as well. But as you get stronger, you will feel less like it is that. When I look back at H, I realize a lot of what I feel/felt was emotional abuse, was simply the same behavior that did not bother me when I was stronger within myself. Physical abuse did happen once but only once and I don't have a fear that it will happen again. It's been more than 10 years so....
I have more to share but unfortunately I have to be off to work now, didn't realize I took so long reading LOL and I tend to get long winded but I wanted to let you know I did not forget about you. Have a good day, I'll be back later.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
YOu`re so good to even read through all my stuff, never mind post! I really do appreciate it, especially as, having been there yourself you really understand it.
I`m struggling again with two things.
1. Whether we should separate-and yes, I want H to decide that not me to decide that for him but I want to be sure that it`s wht I feel is best for us too. And I`m begining to feel that at his point.
2. How much of his behaviour is my fault. I don`t mean that in a guilt ridden way. Just that I think it might be useful for me to eliminate those parts of my character that drew out the abusive side of H.I`m working on identifying those aspects of me. Specifically my lack of patience, my need to control, my criticism of him,my dull boring mumsy self. I`m sure there`s more.
So I`m praying every day and also adding "I am sorry, please forgive me. I love you. Thank you"
I know I don`t love the Alien H I have now but I miss and love the old H.
Do you mind if I ask what stopped you from separating, Cat?
..... a little break from the intensity. After catching up on your thread, I had this vision I almost giggled about... YOU kicking him out in your wedges! LOL
Ok, seriously, you have to somehow help to create or create a more comfortable/stress-free living environment. Let's work on ideas for that...
"thinkin'"
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Your #2 above is interesting. I think it can be useful to look at you, and see what role your character contributed to things. But make sure that any changes you decide to make are for you. Sometimes it is a fine line.
Jeff, Have you talked to our mutual midwestern friend lately? She is in a bad way. Please don't reveal who I am if you know, H used to be so nosey who knows now.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
