Snodderly....I have been writing down questions....geez...there's so much..
Got into a fight with H tonight....I'm not DBing well but I have been doing good...
H says he's trying to take care of me....that he wants to sit down and discuss it all...we can get through the tough stuff and then go to the mediator...I told him no....I told him he made all our choices, that all he cares about is himself and his new little life....he said if I cared about the kids I wouldnt waste money on an attorney....and on and on....I was crying...couldn't help it...he shows no emotion....
He said I act like Im going to get a bunch of money....we don't have any money....that I'll only get half because his attorney told him he has to be able to live also....I told him to quit trying to erase me from his life, and erase history....he said he's not...and it is what it is....
I think if he was right in front of me I would have slapped him....He also threw in my face that I will get nothing for my D22 and probably not D17 cause it will be that long to hash this out....I said, "wow, you're proud of that"....
I said, I guess you need to sell the motorcycle cause its a luxury and he said fine...when its all done he'll buy another one cause he needs a new one anyway....he said he doesnt care about money...he just wants to move on with his life and with OW....that hurt....
will I ever let go of him....you mean he doesnt think about me at all....all these years and nothing....
OH....then he told me he was going out of town this weekend..motorcycle thing....I said, must be nice...2nd vacation for him this year and I have gotten nothing....he said, see....why can't you just say fine.....wow....
So, I'm not fighting for him anymore...he has his mind made up and I told him I will not sign the final paper as I didn't agree with what he is doing.....he didn't care as long as he gets out of our marriage....
So, see....I screwed up again.....I just want to scream....he has been with OW for a long time....they will most likely get married.....
On with the 2 x 4's
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
What did you screw up, Treese? He made the bed, he gets to lie in it. Don't beat yourself up.
Whatever you do, don't trust a thing he says. Tell your attorney what H wants to do, and find out if it makes sense from a financial standpoint, for you. Let the attorney take the emotion out of it.
jUst leaving an update....went to the doc on Friday...left w 6 scripts...3 new ones...I have poison ivy from the bush I removed last week....grrrrr....but as I was using the ax I said choice words to H.....nice and loud.....no one was around thank God...but it felt good to sweat and work at it....I was sore for a few days but my yard looks amazing...I've gotten lots of compliments on it already...
Doc gave me something for my nerves...actually it knocks me out, I haven't been sleeping much at all...I wake with my mind racing about bills, kids, and how to keep everything once this marriage ends....and looks as though he is pushing for summers end.....then he wants to be my friend....I told him I didn't want to speak to him...he could text me if and when he feels he needs to see his son...at this point I just have no fight left in me....I'm exhausted....
My D17 got her diver's license on Friday....and I taught her...woohoo....she and I have become quite the pair....w/out her I would not have made it this far....we depend on each other for support...fortunately we are never down at the same time....
Ive been crying so much these past few days....it's just all hitting me and I cant get control over it....H went on a motorcycle trip with his buds....of course we really don't have the money for it but he doesnt care....he has no clue of our bills....I guess he will wake up real quick when all this comes to a head...
I am still going to an attorney on Tues....writing down lots of questions....I am just done fighting....if he wants out then I'm letting it go....he doesnt want me and I don't want to fight for someone who has no respect for me or who's not in love with me....I've prayed...I've done everything I think I can do....it's 30 years gone....life is tough....I've learned lots of lessons...I've learned I cant fix everything...and even though I fought the fight this long...I failed....but I guess its ok to fail....in God's eyes I will always be his wife....in H's eyes I am nothing....I was just a B**** who made his life miserable all these years...so it wasn't worth fighting for to him...he was over it, done, and in his words..."I've moved on".....
My D17 is on her way to church today....to pray for our new beginning....I will always have my children....because even if I've made mistakes....I will never run....my love for my children is so deep and they are why I'm here....they've learned some painful lessons...ones we dont want them to have to go through....we can make it....one day at a time....
Hugs to all.....Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, Let me say this...you have not failed. You fought for your marriage, but your h is a lost soul who instead of facing his demons, ran. He is the coward in all of this, he's the one that failed, not you.
As for your children, they are your most supportive cheerleaders in all of this. Yes, all of you will have days of being emotional, but you need to feel those emotions and then let them go. Each time you have a spell, once it's over and done w/it should be making you stronger, not weaker.
As you go along, you will discover that there are many things that you can do yourself and not rely on him for them. As you make progress, step back and take a look at what you have accomplished. That should give you the most wonderful feeling...you did it yourself.
Now, pull yourself together for you have a lot to to think about, write down and be ready to deal with come Tuesday. Just remember, leave your emotions at the door, for this is now a business deal that needs to be taken care. Do not allow yourself to be backed into a corner and whatever you do, do not go soft and opt to agree w/things if you know you will need a certain amount of money or things from the house. Stand firm..you are doing this for your family and for you. He gave all of that up the day he walked out the door.
You will make it, but it's going to be one day at a time for a while.
Snodderly is so right, you have not failed. Your H is a very lost soul right now.
Tuesday, do what you have to do for you and your kids. That is what is the most important. Make sure you are protected. Your a smart woman and I know you will do great.
As far as letting go, it's like a death in the family...we have to go through the emotions and we will heal.
You have been through the wringer in all of this and I hope you find some peace in your life.
Dear lady, you did not fail! You did everything that could be done, for longer than anyone could have expected. And you will save yourself and your kids.
You've been through a lot... it is going to take some time for you to see things get better, but you are already heading that way. You know I'm always here, Treese.
I want to thank you for all your support....you guys have been with me since the beginning....this has been such a long ride and I'm sure it's not done....today I go to the attorney at 9:30...I admit I am very nervous....sick to my stomach...wow...never thought I'd be in this situation but I am going in with my head up....
My D22 is home for 10 days, I told her of my appt. this morning and we talked only a few minutes about it...but she is sure something is "wrong" with her dad...not as she remembers him....since he shows no emotion it's hard for all of to believe he feels any remorse for anything...he just wants out....but then we went on to something else...I don't want to dwell on it....she deserves more...it's her time to shine...
We are going dress shopping tomorrow morning with grandma and D17, it's going to be fun...then probably to lunch...
THen, Thursday I leave for Chicago for 4 days....I'm really looking forward to that...I've never been...so I guess my days will be full for a while...then school will be starting before you know it...
So, just wanted to stop by and thank everyone...and please if you all get a chance, say and extra prayer for us....
God Bless, Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
They are painful, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, TRUST ME.
I also remember how my ex had no remorse, no feelings, no pain.
He will, it catches up to them, very slowly.
They start to remember, little things, than bigger things.
Hugs
Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
