Mona Lisa smile - part of my GAL is to put my shoulders back and smile BEFORE I walk past every mirror in the house so that I can check I have the face I want to throughout the day. There are many variations for sure!!!
The big night out opened the door to another level of being able to relax with each other again. H mentioned to a very close mate that maybe we could all go camping this summer (I heard via wife), so that is the first long term US feedback I have heard since before he was thinking of moving out, and I have been able breathe easier although it was only what he was thinking at that time. While these events do not a strong relationship make, I will take them as further signs we are on a good path right now.
I have been trying to work out what to say in my next R talk, as it always comes when I am not aware. Puppy Dog Tails gave some advice to M25 I liked. Just ask him where his head is at, and say thanks I will have to think about that. I really don't want to just slip back into us without me needs being met as well, that is what I am trying to work through.
But with an MLC, they are not really in any sort of position to commit to anything, and I want to stay away from ultimatums. I think most thngs would be covered if H would give me his word on any issue that he spoke about that he would commit to what he says.
That way he could go at his pace. But I don't think he is quite capable of keeping his word right now, he would mean to when he said it, but the fog is still around a bit. So what would be the consequence if he failed??? If it made him feel worse when he was really trying it would not achieve the desired result, and he is really trying at lots of small things at the moment. Hmm, need to work through that one more. I really need something like this long term in order to feel secure and therefore good about our relationship.
"I have been trying to work out what to say in my next R talk, as it always comes when I am not aware"
That something I`ve been thinking about too, Storm rider. I know the DB thing I`ve really listening and saying "thanks for telling me that/I never realised you felt like that/I never thought of looking at it like that" are good ways to stall and give you time to think as well as showing your H that you`re actually listening to what he has to say.
Is it a good time to look for your needs being met when the day to day stuff is going well? Could you tie your needs being met in with the fun you`ve been having and help keep things everything light and fun at the same time? What I`m suggesting is that during R talk if you could suggest something light and fun for you two to do together-something to take you back to the times you shared together pre kids, maybe one of your extreme sports things, a swim,a run together.Nothing big, serious and committing about it.
You`re doing so so well. really have your head screwed on and got in there to sort out your sitch before it got out of hand.
The stuff I really want right now he is not ready to give me!
- more hugs (my tank filler upper, used to get heaps, at least a few have come back) - wanting to come home at breaks, he needs time still right now - more than one call/txt message a day when he is away (used to get heaps. I only get one as I got in habit of calling him WAY to much when pregnant, kept doing it.
He would have been out the door 12 months ago if we didn't have kids Fallgirl, most of the first half of the year sounds kind of like what you are going through, although no affair (evidence!) so much easier to resolve from that respect. Battery about to go flat....
Hey, those goals you quoted just above are your long term stuff, right? All signifying that your H is head over heels with you again. Patience, dear friend! And you`ve made such progress in the last couple of weeks, maybe you need to just stand still right now!Keep GALing but be happy with your massive progress to date! What do you think?
Hope our H`s are going through smilar stuff-so mine might even get to be on an upward trajectory sometime, like your guy is now!
Do you have anyone in the real world who knows your sitch?Someone you can confide in who`ll actually support you in your M(as opposed to wanting to rip your H`s head off for having blinkers on!)
Hope our H`s are going through smilar stuff-so mine might even get to be on an upward trajectory sometime, like your guy is now!
Keep the faith and it'll happen. There's a beautiful Sunday on it's way to you guys. Make the best use of it.
Originally Posted By: Fallgirl
Do you have anyone in the real world who knows your sitch?Someone you can confide in who`ll actually support you in your M(as opposed to wanting to rip your H`s head off for having blinkers on!)
A rare find and one to cherish. Actually not so rare - our community here is full of them
Hmmm, looks like the other half of the storm is blowing up fast and it might be shaping up to be high intensity.
Week for me has gone well while H as been at work, been out and about catching up with friends most days. First couple of days H was very friendly on the phone and the week off vibe continued.
In then had a late night with the single lads and pulled right back. Kind of expecting it after a good week, I ignored it. The last couple of days my toddlers have have the flu again, mild temps etc and H showed little interest in this (been hard to post for this reason too). Irrespective of his mood, he usually asks if I am taking them to Dr etc, so I noted it, but said nothing.
He is due back tomorrow and said just before he had to stay an extra day out "to see about his head". I said huh? and he has booked another session with his IC. The only other time he has seen the IC was after the 12 months of not knowing why he was unhappy last year, he saw the IC and came back and TOLD me, no discusssion "you are the reason I am unhappy and I want out". I strongly feel he is going to say "I have tried real hard for 6 months, things are not perfect, I want out". He also said just before he is chasing up the asset sales as we need to get this resolved asap.
What has changed? I think sitting around with a bunch of single blokes having fun with the single life after a better week at home, probably being teased about the "ball and chain " etc. Probably a pull back after a good run for a few weeks. He will come back and TELL me his position, it wil not be a discussion as he will want to state it. Fair enough (and yes it might be good but that is not the vibe).
I am very frustrated that we are finally on a better path and he is hauling us off again. I will listen and try to not be pulled in, but he will want to know where my head is at, although will not take it into account.
I just am looking at my little kids faces and am so upset that he is doing this to them.
Thinking about it, this is also what happened a couple of months ago after we had a more relaxed couple of weeks. We had gone to a close couple friend for lunch and sat right beside me, put his arm around me etc (one of the few couples who knows our sitch) He came home the next week and said he wanted to move out, which is what started the separation talk between us.
When he left to go for work this time, the same couple had dropped in to pick up something. H was walking out the door, he hugged me long and real 3 times in 10min and gave me two kisses on the lips, the first such kisses all year. This was right in front of the couple, I just don't know if he was trying to make a point or he scared himself. Arrrgggg. He seems like he has a definate plan in his head and its still not a good vibe I am getting at all.
Go with your instinct. Just had this happen to me last week. Felt something brewing. H`s eyes were smouldering(and no, not in the way I`ve longed for for too long!) and the next day I got "you destroyed my life'
If you do get a statement from H-and yes, I think you`re right to expect that also-remember to LISTEN, don`t talk much and VALIDATE what he has to say. Show that you`re listening. Don`t beg,plead,cry or get angry. You know the drill.
I get you when you look at your kids and are upset. That bit gets to me too. But they have a different perspective on things from us and we can`t ruly say how the kids will be affected by any or all of this. We-the stronger spouse-and to be the heroes here. Stand tall and strong in your space.
Your H doesn`t know what he wants. C`mon you`re the skinny you he remarked on two weeks ago and had great fun with.He`s back in Fogland again and probably doesn`t have a definite plan. He may well come out with I want to separate one day and change his mind the next.
I do wonder though if they really would be better off exploring Bachelor land again and if we`d that space from them to GAL to our hearts` content and be the greener grass for them if that`s what we want then.
FallGirl is right. You are the same person he was just complimenting, having fun with, etc... He's the one with the tumultuous BRAIN!
You can't stop him if he has something he wants to DECLARE, but you can control how you react. Who knows? You might learn something! I know I talktalktalkemotionemotionemotion too much, and we don't get anywhere but louder that way.
Be my example!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
