I'm sorry to hear about your friend -- I hope she's okay and gets the help she needs. I would strongly caution you that you are very likely to continue to see a reaction out of your husband over this, and it's going to present you with a delicate balancing act. You want to remain supportive of him (because it's "the right thing to do" and also because he responded favorably to it), but you also don't want to get caught in the middle.
More importantly, you don't want HIM to REMAIN caught in the middle! It's not right, nor healthy, that she would only talk to your husband and not to her OWN husband, but then again we've already had our doubts about this woman and your husband, haven't we.
REMAIN VIGILANT.I think it's very likely that she did this to generate sympathy from your husband.
He may BLAME HIMSELF for this. He'll tell you that it's something innocent/neutral like "getting caught in the middle," but he may actually blame himself for spurning her and trying to work on (however inelegantly or lamely) his marriage.
I will be diligent. According to my H she is really heartbroken about her H and her kids. Her H has been so unbelievably mean to her (even trying to get their children to say mom is crazy) so I really believe that's why she wouldn't talk to him. His latest ploy was to say that he's not going to file for divorce because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He thought they should just live separated with the agreement that they can see other people.
Unfortunately now she's given him even more fuel for the fire. You know he'll use this against her in the divorce.
Believe me - I will be watching my H very closely. For now he seems to be truly genuine in his feelings. I will definitely keep and eye on and help not to get dragged into the middle of this further.
My H said last night that he hopes the therapist tells her she needs to not have any contact with anyone in her life right now - especially him. He said I know that's not being a good friend but I don't like the position I'm in. He did say that he'd warned his best friend that he thought something like this could happen and had said to him how will you feel if it does?
I realize how bad this is going to make me sound.....but I am going to take that risk and hope you will listen to me. You just refered to the OW as YOUR FRIEND! How can you do that? Look, I know attempted suicide is serious and I'm not saying it isn't. However, I am telling you this and you better get it......I have personally known women who used this method of power to get what they wanted. I'll just tell you about "one" case. I remember when this young woman had a boyfriend whose dad got wise to her and stopped the boy from dating her. So, she "attemtped" suicide. While in the hospital (and I hope this sounds familiar to you.....)she said she did not want to see or talk to anybody but the boy. His dad was smart enough and had the b*lls to tell this girl that his son WOULD NOT go to the hospital no matter how many times she attempted suicide to get him there and she'd never see him again. Guess what she did? Pitched a fit!! She was FURIOUS b/c her plan did not work. She wasn't the first one to do it and she won't be the last.
Yes, you better believe women will make it appear that they are trying to kill themselves to get the attention (if you want to call it that) from the man she wants. She thought that would be the thing to pull your H out of his M and go get her. And you......you cover up and make excuses for her and talk about how bad her H has treated her! I can't believe it!
Do you honestly believe that this is not going to pull your H into her web of emotional drama & blackmail? Yes, he could pull out and say it's not any business of his, but.....I don't think he'll have the strength b/c he's in an EA with her.
You are a good person, and obviously see the best in people. I know you don't want to think the worst here....and why she wanted to speak to ONLY your husband. Why not her children? Why not her family members? If she is a friend to both of you...as you say....then why couldn't she talk to you? Exactly! Maybe I don't know all the details, and maybe I am too suspicious. I'm not as cold hearted as I sound. I am concerned that you are not taking the blindfold off your eyes to see this drama queen for what she is. She is a conieving b*tch and you better wake up and see her for what she is before she grabs YOUR HUSBAND and they take off during the night. This is the time to cut this "friendship" and save your M & family from this couple and stop all contacts. I'll bet you'll find out just how attached and how many excuses your H will find in order to remain friends with this OW......b/c he won't feel that he can walk out on her NOW! (And she knows that!) She'll make him feel he has to give her support (poor little thing). Sit back and watch. He will start finding fault when you want to pull back from the other couple's problems.
God, I hope I'm wrong.......but we'll see.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm walking a fine line here. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope. I know I need to be careful but I also know this is hard because you all don't know the folks involved and the entire situation. I do feel bad for her. I hope I never become the kind of person that cannot have compassion and empathy for another person. She has been treated horribly by her H and kids. She won't talk to me because she feels like I don't keep her confidence that I talk with other friends about things.
My H had lunch yesterday with his best friend (her husband) and they had a pretty frank discussion about their friendship and also about his wife. My H has been nothing but forthcoming about his conversations with both his best friend and with her at the hospital.
Yes my H feels stuck because he feels like he's the only friend she has right now. My H was the one who talked her into letting her H and daughters come to see her. She really feels like they don't love her. Her H and her daughters did come to see her at the hospital yesterday. Things did not go well. Her H had the gall to say to her in front of her daughters - how can you do this to them? My H did tell her that she's going to have to cut everyone some slack - that no one knows how to act or feel in this situation. The daughters were gone but the H was still there when my H stopped by the hospital last night. The psychiatrist still hadn't been in to see her. When my H left, her H was still there waiting on the doctor.
When my H got home he made a point of calling me into the bedroom and updating me on everything. He even called me at work yesterday and we talked for a half hour.
I'll be honest this is extremely hard on me. I let my jealousy show a little bit last night and I have to be careful not to do that! He's making every effort to fully disclose all conversations with me at this point. I know you think she may have attempted this as a ploy to get my H but everything points to her H and kids. The note she left everything.
My H has even said to me that he knows he has to be very careful here and not get pulled into this too deep.
At this point to demand that he remove himself from this situation would be a fatal mistake. I'm just going to have to take this one day at a time, keeping my eyes wide open, being as supportive as I can, and I have to be especially careful that I don't show any hint of jealousy or that I'm threatened in any way.
I'm continuing to live my life - working out, taking care of my family, connecting with friends that's all I know to do right now.
At this point to demand that he remove himself from this situation would be a fatal mistake.
M,
I couldn't disagree more. In fact, I think the opposite is true.
I warned you about the two of them before, when no one else was and everyone (including you) were dismissing the thought that there was OW. I was right.
This is your marriage, and you're in a tough spot, and you obviously have to do what YOU think is best. I have some serious personal family stuff going on right now with D20 that needs my attention, so I won't be around much for a little while.
Sorry to hear about your daughter's problems. I will keep her in my prayers.
I'm not dismissing what you and Sandi are warning me about - I will keep my eyes open. I know you're just trying to protect me. It's hard because I'm just giving you quick synposis of conversations.
But at this point, he is going out of his way to talk to me and tell me everything. This morning I asked him if he thought he'd be late again tonight and he said to me I can't think why I would. So I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'll be looking for him to not be visiting the hospital as much and following through on his declaration not to get pulled into this anymore.
I really feel like if I demand that he have no more contact with either of them I'm going to look like a heartless B**** and it will just go downhill from there. In his mind, he still thinks he was and is just being a supportive friend, there was nothing going on between the two of them - he's even made that statement to her H.
He's been very responsive to me and Monday night he kept thanking me and apologizing to me for the situation. He even said to me thank you for not being crazy. He's only expressed anger at himself for getting in the middle of this situation.
I'm going to stop now because I know this is probably sounding like me trying to justify things. I just have to go with my gut and my heart on this one - keeping my eyes wide open.
Puppy - I'll miss your counsel! Sandi - I hope you'll still be available! Thanks to both of you!
She was admitted to the psych ward of the hospital which is not where she needs to be - it's not a good place, apparently not clean etc.
My H has been at the hospital with her H. He's in a situation where he's the buffer. She's in so much pain and has so much hurt and anger at her H that she baits him and of course he takes the bait and then it's on. My H spends most of his time trying to counsel his best friend (her H) because he makes everything about him.
I've carefully tried to express my concerns which he says he understands. He said I need you to understand that I need to do this right now. I'm the only person she has that she feels she can trust and this is a life and death matter.
But I cannot push this anymore than I have. He won't withdraw from the situation because her H is handling it so poorly he feels like he needs to be there. Her H is clueless on what to do and my H has to push him to get the ball running in the right direction.
He comes home and talks to me for a very long time and shares absolutely everything. Does this bother me - you bet! I honestly don't know what else to do because I've made one comment apparently already that he said I sounded callous. So I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can just being a good listener. My H went through a horrible depression over a failed business when our youngest son was born and was suicidal so he relates to what she's going through oh too well.
This is the hardest thing I've had to do. I can't make this all about me or I will push him away. Yet, I'm just sick to my stomach. It hurts me to see how torn up over this he is and if I'm honest I'm extremely jealous. Then I feel guilty because here's a woman who's tried to kill herself.
I couldn't sleep this morning so I just got up and came into work. I've told him I'm here to provide support - he says he appreciates that.
My next IC session isn't until next Wednesday. Wish this wasn't the week I decided to start going every other week!
