Are Affairs Ever an Option?

[Bagheera]

In order to avoid hijacking TeaEarlGreyHot's thread, I've opted to reply to ssmguy's remarks in a separate thread. He wrote:

Tea, I'm in a very similar situation. The difference is that when my wife wanted to stop having sex, I told her I took that as meaning I can have sex with other women, because being a nonsexual person is NOT an option for me. I suggested we could divorce, but she didn't want to. So I let it be her choice, with the consequences spelled out beforehand. And my choice is also to stay in the marriage because we have many positive other aspects to our marriage.

So far the positives have outweighed the negatives, but I'm not entirely happy with the limitations of friends with benefits. I miss having the old-fashioned kind of romantic sex within a marriage, in our bedroom, in my own home, with the mother of my children, not to mention the security, safety, convenience and social acceptance of the traditional arrangement. I miss the integrated feelings of love and sex all being facets of the same thing, or so it seemed long ago when that was my love life. I envy couples where they seem to have all the sex they want within their own relationship. I've lost the perspective of what that's like.

But then what do you do if both partners prefer to stay together for other reasons? Get a divorce but continue being friends? Does a little paperwork alone "solve" the problem?

This is a situation where every option is unacceptable, but you have to choose one of them. I'm guessing that a lot of marriages are in this situation, but most people don't post about their personal situations in online forums. I suspect that in a great many of these marriages, the HD partner has quietly found other outlets for his/her sexual expression, and those "solutions" go on for many years. In these marriages I doubt the LD spouse spends much effort, if any, to snoop on their partners's extramarital activites. In many cases, they don't care to know, because, in a sense, they've already decided that sex isn't important.

In my strong view, having affairs or setting up an 'open' relationship as a so-called "solution" to a sex-starved marriage situation is both extremely misguided and incredibly damaging to your long-term relationship with your spouse.

(1) Affairs are POISONOUS to your marriage.

If you doubt this, go read through the ever-growing number of heartbreaking stories over on the Infidelity forum and the Newcomer's forum (where infidelity is involved). Affairs *always* lead to lying, deceit, dishonesty, covering-up, and secrecy. As such, affairs destroy trust, connection, and friendship with your spouse. And affairs ALWAYS cause a great deal of pain for the left-behind spouse, whether they admit it to you or not -- it's a stab in the heart when your mate goes wandering and effectively declares "You aren't enough for me...I'm looking elsewhere."

And if the person you are having an affair with is *also* married, then the damage done is DOUBLE.

(2) Affairs are a LAZY "solution" to an SSM.

Recovering from an SSM situation is hard work. It requires researching, going to counseling, and making significant changes to yourself. As I've outlined before, the process begins with improving yourself -- making *yourself* healthier and happier and therefore more sexually attractive to your spouse. Next you have to do the research necessary to figure out all the ways in which you were *not* meeting your spouse's needs and relationship desires, and then begin DOING SO -- *you* have to make the first moves. Only when the above steps are in progress can effectively you move on toward bringing your spouse on board and begin working *together* to solve the remaining issues.

By having affairs, you are essentially declaring that you aren't willing to do the hard work necessary to solve your situation, and have instead opted for a short-term "quick fix," that only makes the situation far worse, not better.

(3) Affairs are an indulgence in fantasy, not reality.

Affairs are generally based upon two things: (1) the sexually-charged, brain-chemical "high" or "rush" involved in the infatuation-stage of a brand-new relationship, and (2) your affair partner has *none* of the baggage associated with a real long-term relationship, such that you can mentally imagine them to be whatever you want them to be. The covert nature of an affair also adds its own level of excitement and a "sampling of the forbidden" to the mix. At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down, especially when one or the other affair partner is discovered by their spouse, and the affair is no longer "free," but begins to come with *real consequences.* Once the "real world" begins to encroach on the fantasy, the affair usually unravels.

(4) Affairs damage your own integrity.

I am no saint, but I do value my own honor and integrity. I was in an SSM for 20+ years, and although I was tempted on multiple occasions, I always pulled back from the brink and successfully avoided any affairs. I simply had too much respect for myself, and too much respect for my wife to engage in such an act while I was still married, as frustrating as that marriage was. When I reached the point that I was no longer willing to continue in the marriage as it was, I sought to make changes and improve it. If these changes failed and the old situation contiued, I was willing to divorce my wife and *only then* seek another relationship -- to me, that is the only honorable way to go. I'm not trying to preach here or set myself up as some noble idealist: I'm simply saying that engaging in affairs damages YOU --> your honor, your integrity, and sense of your own manhood. Doing the "right thing," honoring your vows and your word, remaining honest with yourself and your spouse, are a far better way to go, and allow you to take pride in your actions afterwards.

-- Bagheera