Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Then that's what you SHOULD do.

[iwantittowork]

Wow, I need advice big time, and thanks for you guys giving it to me through my own sitch and reading others..

So I believe my W was just tested me this AM, can you guys and gals offer any advice?

My Little sister, who is 13 and lives at my Dads house has a birthday party coming up soon, and they invited my D8 to the party as a sleepover. My W absolutely can not stand my father, and I know that, and I also know he is hard to deal with, manipulative and tends to put people down. We have always kept my D8 away from him because of this, but that has been hard for me to handle, as he also has good qualities and keeping my D8 from him is difficult on me emotionally.

So, this AM, my W asks me "So, your not thinking of letting D8 stay overnight at your Dad's for the birthday party are you?" My response was "I have not decided yet, but I am leaning against it right now"

Which immediately set her off on a little tirade about why am I using my D8 as a control and manipulative way of getting back at her. I tried to tell her that I understand that she feels that way, but that was not my intention, and that I just had not thought it through yet and come to my own conclusion.

Which lead the inevitable accusations from her about my being manipulative and abusive through the our relationship, how I hated her Mom during our relationship, how I relationships should never require hard work, and that since I didn't understand that, another reason why our relationship was over, and on and on.

I tried to not defend, not accuse, validate, etc, etc, but I did state clearly that I never hated her Mom, but when my W had been talking badly about her Mom, I had tended to agree with her get my W's approval in the past. (I see this now, and that in itself is wrong, and something I am working on for myself, but it is what it is now)

In the end, after she calmed down a bit, I just hugged her and said 'Thanks for talking to me this morning' and am off doing my own thing now.

Sheesh, she has re-written a lot in her mind, I believe, her accusing me of hating her Mom was hurtful to me, though I didn't try and show it.

Probably not much to do I guess after reading this other than to try and dispense with it, and move on to things I want to do for myself.

Oh, thanks to those that recommended the "No More MR. Nice Guy" book, I have that now, and am reading it, and I relate to a lot of what's in it. That's tough to take in itself when you read that book, but I am committed now more than ever to make the changes to myself that I need to make. Wow, what an eye opener.

[iwantittowork]

So, I have been trying to do the things that I want and decide on.

Yesterday, we are eating lunch, and my D8 asked my W if they could go to the beach, and my W responded to her "I had thought your dad could take you to the beach, so I can go work out and do other things"

I was not happy with that, and a couple hours later I decided I did not need to hold my emotion that I was unhappy with that in, and told her I did not appreciate her deciding what my D8 and I would be doing, that I will decide that. My W was upset and tried to defend herself. I didn't care what her response was, that was one of the few times I have said something to her about the way I feel when things like that happen.

Today, I informed my W that I had decided that I would be coming back to sleep in our bed, and that she could find somewhere else to sleep if that bothered her. Her reply was 'I don't care.'

Regardless of what happens, I feel better about expressing myself and making some of the decisions for me, and not worrying about what her reaction will be.

[iwantittowork]

I forgot to add, that later on Saturday, after d8 and I came back to house, I was going to take my d8 out for dinner, W was sitting on the couch so I told her she was welcome to come with us if she wanted.

She first said, "I don't know" and then went back into trying to defend herself about the previous earlier discussion about her saying I should take d8 swimming. I told her again, that I was just expressing how I felt out that, and that I was not accusing her of any wrongdoing, or anything, and that now that I had expressed that I had moved on from it, and that she was still welcome to come.

She came to dinner with us, and we had a couple laughs and a nice dinner, then bought d8 ice cream for desert. At times my W seemed distant during dinner, but we laughed together at some things d8 had said and was doing during dinner.

On the way back to the car we each held one of our d8's hands. After putting d8 to sleep, we both watched tv in the same room for a bit, then W announced she was tired and going to bed, and also said 'good night' to me, so I wished her good night as well.

I need to keep thinking of those little things as positives, regardless of what they mean, I look back to them now, and am happy she was even sitting in same room with me.

[iwantittowork]

However, yesterday, W went away for the day, and I always do not do well when she does.

I had a good day at the beach with d8, but when we got home after shopping, W was there watching TV. I asked if she had just gotten home, and how her day was, and was probably kind of curt in my questions.

She quickly went upstairs, after d8 went to bed, and spent the rest of the evening laying in bed listening to motivational tapes until she fell asleep. I watched tv downstairs, and slept back in our bed last night for the first time in a while, but had to quickly wake her up so she could move over to let me into the bed..

I don't know if I am doing this DB stuff correctly, but still trying!

[givingitmyall]

I had a good day at the beach with d8, but when we got home after shopping, W was there watching TV. I asked if she had just gotten home, and how her day was, and was probably kind of curt in my questions.

Were you too inquisitive? Point is, were you pursuing remember her perception, not reality, is the key here)? Also, if you realized you were curt, she definitely did.

Gotta give her space, no matter how hard it is.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks GIMA, I thought about it after, and even though they were short questions, I do feel it was pursuing behavior. I stopped after a bit, and told myself internally to 'shut the F up'

That may sound harsh to myself, but someone gave me that as a tip to shut up the needy child crap that sometimes comes out, and that seems to help at times. My own 2x4 for myself.

[givingitmyall]

IWITW,

That was one fo the things I struggled with initially b.c my W and I always talked to each other about what we were doing, where we were going, etc. Tough to pull back from that.

But, what I found is that when I stopped asking her what she was up to, initially she was quite. But, after a while, she began volunteering that information to me. The first few times she did this, in the middle of her telling me whatever she was telling me, a little voice in my head said "I don't recall asking you about this?"

Let her be the one to tell you about details v. you asking her about them.

[beepee]

yay!! a person from Mass!!
ive been reading your sitch and i have to say, you are very inspiring and i am envious of your ability to handle the sitch you are in. ive have not seen or spoken to my H in over a month since he packed up and left me without notice. and ill tell ya, the past month was exceptionally tough and i cannot imagine anymore months of it but i have faith that something, ANYTHING will happen soon. i feel like im at a standstill, not knowing where anything is headed, not knowing when ill see him again. the unknown is a total headwreck.

anyway, wanted to say hi since you were in mass and like the red sox!! we could even be in the same town!!

[iwantittowork]

Hey Beepee! Nice to see a fellow redsox fan on the board!

Sorry though, about your sitch and why your here, but hopefully your getting the support you need!

Thanks for you compliments. I'd say I am only marginal at best at dealing with this, and it's taken me 8+ months to just get to this point. However, you can't beat yourself up over that, and keep moving forward. Making changes for myself is key for me now, and focusing on those things that will make me a better person.

I was near depression myself, but have pulled back from that by being on this board, getting IC help, and group help. I can't imagine where I would be without those, hope your doing some things for yourself that need to move forward!