Your wife is playing the victim to hide her responsibility and guilt. "Ah, poor me, look at the mess I'm in, and now SOMEONE will be hurt. I simply *cannot* make that decision."
Now, I have no doubt her feeling bad is real, but acting like a "Poor Me" is a manipulative tactic, probably unconscious behavior learned in childhood. My FIL is a Poor Me, and I watch my H get sucked into it all the time. I refuse to play...and to an extent, you seem like you aren't either.
However, if she ramps up her bull, I'd speak to it directly:
"W, you are not a victim. You chose to engage with another man outside our M and forge an emotional connection, and you continue to choose that path. Anyone with a choice is not a victim."
My H occasionally breaks out the Poor Me drama (wonder where he learned it?) like he did last weekend, and I told him it was his mess, figure out how to clean it up.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
