WAW Using God

[pigskin]

How long has she known this guy again?

About a year or two, I think, just as a work colleague. Friendship started probably in the last 6 months or so.

[Coach]

The nuance I have to negotiate could be a friggin' case study - can't be too close without causing decision delays, yet can't be too distant and provide fuel for her thinking I haven't changed and thus more indecision. A very frustrating spot to be in.

It's easy. Every action you take should help you towards your goals.

Tiger Woods was asked, what is the best advice he was ever given. Tiger said, “When on the course my dad would say, where do you want to hit the ball? I’d point to the spot and he would look at me and say 'Fine, then forget everything else around you and figure out how to do it.' It’s hard to take all the different factors and influences and see through the fog. My dad was teaching me to keep it simple and just get the job done”.

Cheers

[pigskin]

It's easy. Every action you take should help you towards your goals.

Tiger Woods was asked, what is the best advice he was ever given. Tiger said, “When on the course my dad would say, where do you want to hit the ball? I’d point to the spot and he would look at me and say 'Fine, then forget everything else around you and figure out how to do it.' It’s hard to take all the different factors and influences and see through the fog. My dad was teaching me to keep it simple and just get the job done”.

Cheers

Thanks coach. I'm doing what I want to do: I really want to build the emotional connection between us. I love the changes I've made with regard to opening up and sharing feelings and SHOWING my love for her. That's the new man I want to be and I love it. I'm WAY more comfortable with things that never used to be comfortable before. It feels fresh and energizing.

I'm looking for subtle feedback from her (not asking for it, just watching) to gauge what seems to soften her prior coldness and distance toward me. We really do well with Retrouvaille dialogues, and they lead to some very good discussions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tiger Woods was asked, what is the best advice he was ever given. Tiger said, “When on the course my dad would say, where do you want to hit the ball? I’d point to the spot and he would look at me and say 'Fine, then forget everything else around you and figure out how to do it.' It’s hard to take all the different factors and influences and see through the fog. My dad was teaching me to keep it simple and just get the job done”.

Cheers

I love that, Coach. I also find it instructive how elite golfers do two other things that contribute to their success:

1) They're big VISUALIZERS. They visualize how they're going to hit the ball, and play the hole, and practice it in their minds before they hit the shot. Dennis Waitley, in his classic "The Psychology of Winning," tells the story of a Vietnam POW who kept his sanity during his imprisonment by playing a round of golf, every day, in his mind. Hundreds of them, never actually swinging a club. And when he finally gained his freedom and returned home, he had shaved several strokes off his handicap!!!

2) They play the hole backwards. Look at the pin placement, and say "OK, in order to have the best chance to hit that pin placement, I would want to be over on THIS side of the fairway for my approach shot. And in order to be THERE, then I would want to be over HERE after my drive," and so forth.

DBing is kinda like that. Figure out where you want to BE, and then play it backwards to where you ARE.

Puppy

[SDFoundGirl]

Just a thought...

Your wife is playing the victim to hide her responsibility and guilt. "Ah, poor me, look at the mess I'm in, and now SOMEONE will be hurt. I simply *cannot* make that decision."

Now, I have no doubt her feeling bad is real, but acting like a "Poor Me" is a manipulative tactic, probably unconscious behavior learned in childhood. My FIL is a Poor Me, and I watch my H get sucked into it all the time. I refuse to play...and to an extent, you seem like you aren't either.

However, if she ramps up her bull, I'd speak to it directly:

"W, you are not a victim. You chose to engage with another man outside our M and forge an emotional connection, and you continue to choose that path. Anyone with a choice is not a victim."

My H occasionally breaks out the Poor Me drama (wonder where he learned it?) like he did last weekend, and I told him it was his mess, figure out how to clean it up.

SD

[pigskin]

"W, you are not a victim. You chose to engage with another man outside our M and forge an emotional connection, and you continue to choose that path. Anyone with a choice is not a victim."

SD

Thanks SD, that is a beautiful statement of tough love, and really speaks to the cold hard reality of any affair.

I feel for her in her situation, nobody who loves their spouse could be indifferent to the pain, but I do feel it is her bed and she has to lie in it. It's not like I am not in pain as well. The band-aid has to be ripped off, and she has to take the pain associated with that. There's no other solution. She inflicted the wound herself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep.

[sandi2]

I agree with SDFGirl. It is amazing that your W would even consider the idea of not hurting OM over actually hurting her H. Yes, of course she is feeling guilty. Got caught wth her hand in the cookie jar! Never.....never show sympothy for her bad choices in turning to OM or b/c she's having a hard time making up her mind "who" she must hurt. She want to cake eat, pure and simple. You will do the right thing by drawing boundaries and standing up for yourself. I'm not suggesting that you be a cold-hearted jacka$$, but be careful when and on "which" issues you happen to show any compassion. Don't let her play you. I felt guilty also, but it was not enough to make me stop the EA.

The words she choses to use when making statements, questioning, or accusing you of thinking the worst about her....OM, etc., is interesting. Think about it. She's not actually coming clean and "admitting" anything and is able to turn it around to make you sound like the bad guy! At least that is how it seems to me. Some women are very good at doing that.......especially those who know how to "work" their H's. Stay strong.

[MrBond]

My W was the same way. She still has never admitted to actually doing anything wrong. She just keeps saying that she's "not in love with me anymore." I guess that justifies everything.

[pigskin]

I felt guilty also, but it was not enough to make me stop the EA.

Sandi, can I ask what finally DID make you stop your EA?

My wife said she felt nothing for me (ILYBNILWY)when she first spilled the beans, but hasn't said anything to that effect recently. I don't ask. I realize that if she ended the EA today it could be months or years to get back to being emotionally connected.

She initiates the Retrouvaille dialogue between us, so I can't say she's making no effort. She doesn't pick fights at all. We are not verbally hurtful to one another. We interact like friends, so I don't know if that's a positive step or if it is just another symptom masking an approaching downward slide.