Our sitch's are similar, and thanks for posting in mine, I wanted to offer some advice as well. I have no idea if I am db'ing correctly but the last few weeks I have subtly shifted my thoughts to what I want in my life, not what I think WE want, or SHE wants.
That has made it much easier to lower the pressure on myself and be happier with who I am, etc. The book "No More MR. Nice Guy" has been eye opening to me, not sure if it would to you, but wanted to put it out there.
By shifting my focus to me, understanding that I will be ok with or without my W, it has allowed me to see things a bit more clearly, set some boundaries for myself. I am not actually clear on how I shifted my focus, even subtly like that, but think you should look to try to do that as well.
It's not selfish to do so, and may help pull the weight off your shoulders a bit. I don't know if my W will notice, maybe others that have gone through this can speculate on that, but I also know it means less to me now if she does notice, as what I am doing is for me, not for her.
Good luck, I am going to try and stick around in your thread as well, mutual support has been really helpful to me from everyone.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
