I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[The Wifey]

I know about government jobs because I worked in government for 11 years.

Yes about the books. These two books are not focused on relationships, they are focused on you. The Dr Phil book has assignments in them that if you do them honestly focuses you on your path.

And right now, in my opinion, you need to focus less on your problems and more on what it will take to get better!

As far as the cleaning, I recommend you start by getting boxes and then sorting one box at a time. This makes a messy room less intimidating and divides the task into finite bits to focus on one at a time.

[beepee]

thanks wifey! i agree i need to focus on myself and getting better, its very hard because he is always in my head and just neve goes away. but i'll get through this, over time. lots of time.

journaling..
so i cleaned my room a bit. thats all, went to target to return some things and got some money back that i desperately needed, and walked around with my brothers and SIL. it was good to just get out of the house even though my brother gave me sh*t about not knowing how to drive because i wanted to buy a bike! its so annoying. just because i want a bike doesnt mean i dont wanna learn how to drive. and besides, biking is good exercise and is environmentally friendly. so he ruined my mood for awhile but im not gonna let that get to me.

i was thinking a lot today about my H and reasons why he probably doesnt want to come back to me. i think his family and friends are a huge reason. they all hate me. they think i ruined his life and prevented him from getting nowhere, they think im a total b*tch and manipulative and so many other bad things. which is not fair at all because they hardly ever see me or talk to me. ok maybe i should clarify this, only his GIRL friends think this about me. sounds like childish schoolyard behavior to me. i never ever said anything to them to make them hate me so much. i was always really nice to them. and when H and i first started dating, he was spending all his time with me and not them and they would get really angry and say that im preventing him from seeing them through manipulation! ????? ugh it gets me so angry thinking about it.

but i really do believe that they are pressuring him to get a divorce and run away from me as fast as possible. i know he takes their opinions seriously because over the past few years, he lost all of his friends because they all hated me and they would send me nasty emails and texts and say the worst things to me, so all of his friendships fell apart and he felt really lonely when he moved to the states to be with me. and he really missed his friends and felt he couldnt be friends with them because of what they did to me. and since he left me, he went back home and reconciled with all his friends. and i feel they are saying that he really needs to leave me and i feel like if they decides to come back to me, that he will lose his friends all over again and he doesnt want that because he doesnt want to feel lonely.

it hurts that he would choose them over me despite how nasty they were to me. but i understand his feeling of loneliness. if you ask me, theyre not true friends anyway because you support your friend in whatever decision they make. telling your friend to f*ck off if you stay with someone they dont like is absolutely ridiculous and thats the type of people they are. ARGH i shouldnt be talking about this because it gets me so angry. ill stop now, i just needed to get that out.

well, i trust that he will do what his heart wants and not what his circle of friends and family want. who knows. but i do know for a fact that they're pressuring him to tell me to f*ck off and leave him alone. he's a big boy, im sure he will do what makes him happy. i hope what makes him happy is to reconcile with me in the future!! but ill have to wait a very long time for that to happen, if it happens. i just feel so much sadness when i think of him and how he doesnt think we're worth fighting for.

anyway..i feel so...STUCK. i hate the living situation im in. theres not much i can do to make it better but to keep myself occupied with little things. all i think about is how much i want to move out to the city and start my life all over again. its so depressing here, i cant take it anymore. this environment is not helping me with my depression, i feel like its making it so much worse and i have to fight it everyday on top of fighting the pain of losing my H.

i just wish someone would come along and give me some money and cosign for an apartment and id be on my way!! i can pack up and get the hell out of here! live my life again, start meeting new people, go out for beautiful walks, take the subway to somewhere ive never been, go out to brunch with friends, go see an independent film by myself, wander around museums, window shop, go dancing at night, go to free concerts at the park, go kayaking on the charles. i want that so bad. im trying, im saving up every penny to get there. im determined to move by sept 1. thats my main goal right now. my C is very supportive of me getting out of here. she thinks it would be the best thing for me to get better and i agree!

[davidswife]

BP,

Check out K4D's thread in Newcomers. 25MLC recently posted an excerpt by Elizabeth Edwards -- I think it might do you some good to read it.

Just my $.02.

Stacy

[beepee]

thanks davidswife: i checked it out last night and it great, thanks so much for the suggestion!

journaling..
up quite early today, couldnt sleep because of stomach pains..god i really do think the ADs might be doing some damage to my stomach or something. just checked the weather report and its going to rain and thunder every single day this week and into next week so there goes my hope of making some money at the flea market this sunday!! oh well, im gonna have to find other means of getting some money. EBAY AND CRAIGSLIST!! its just so annoying because i hate taking pictures and describing it and listing it and all this cr^p, it takes so long! but i need to do it because i need to move out asap.

so im not totally sure what i am going to do today. havent really made a list. must think about that soon before i end of wallowing and obsessively checking email and snooping. dont want to do that, dont want to get heartbroken if i find something out. i wanted to apply for more jobs but i think i really need to do something that doesnt involve the computer.

well one things for sure, i need to put those ebay items up because its sure to fetch me a grand which i desperately need. i feel like i should start packing!! even tho i dont have an apartment yet, i KNOW im getting out of here by Sept 1, theres no way im not. and i love packing. gets me excited and really happy! maybe ill make a start on that, just some little stuff maybe. itll be a good excuse to actually sort through all of my sh*t that i've left in the basement.

i've started a countdown to Sept 1 when i plan on moving out and ive added NC into that countdown. if i can it make to over a month without contact with my H, id be so proud! so that's something im working on. i know i should be focusing on now, the present, but looking towards the near future helps me through today. so if it works, im going to stick to it for now. i will certainly live for the moment when i start to feel better after moving out!!

uh-oh, bad anxiety is kicking in and the wretching has started meds are needed..

[beepee]

so i have a question for everyone who's reading:

a few weeks ago in an email that the H sent to me, he wrote something that really made me think. i dont know whether i agree with it or not.

he said that "love should be simple, our love isnt simple"

what do you guys think? im leaning towards..love ISNT simple. if love was simple, everyone would be happy and half of us (not us on the board but in general terms) wouldnt be getting divorces in the first place.

what do you guys think? the statement has been bothering me for weeks..

[mac-ct]

Hi sweetheart,

I truly believe love is simple - it's the stuff wrapped round it that tends to get screwed up.

Been reading all your post's with great interest to see how you're getting on.

The advice the guys are sending your way is superb. If you could sell friends like these on eBay you would be worth millions.

But you can't.

And it doesn't matter.

And why?

Because you truly are rich in what counts. People. People that do care. People that have been there. People who are still getting there. Just down-to-earth people.

Just like us.

Hugs beepee - lots of hugs

Mac

[beepee]

thanks mac:

i have to agree with your there. i think my H is getting caught up in all the stuff around us like family issues, mean friends, bills, my depression, his getting nowhere in his job, as a sign that our love isnt simple because of those things. which i dont agree with at all, the love we have for each other is so incredible, but its the stuff around us that makes him think that our love is screwed up because of it. i really do believe that. sigh.

thanks for your support mac-ct, and the support ive been getting from everyone else has been excellent, more than i could have ever hoped for!

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((beepee))))))

I think you and mac have hammered out the simple love thing pretty well!

I'm trying to work out how to help you detach.... your physical reactions are a pretty good sign that you have a ways to go there. I think it would be really good for you to b ein control of your life, right now I feel like you are "letting" him control your emotions. That's not a healthy situation, whether you are in a good realationship or not. I'm kind of thinking that if this was the case before he left, it might have even been a part of the reason he left. Which makes it even better to try to fix it!

Why not spend some time thinking about all the good things about beepee. All the things that you can love about yourself. The things that show you that you are a worthwhile person, with or without him. Maybe we can work towards detachment by turning your focus back onto you.

[mac-ct]

Yay beepee!

Go beepee!

Share some good stuff with your mates here - no too much though - I blush very easily

Mac

BTW - do you really deep deep down _know_ to the core of your being the bit in your sig that says "Left b/c of my Depression"? Do you have a note from God countersigned by His Son and Mother Mary saying this is correct?

PLEASE no religious flames sent my way.

Maybe it's a great time now to edit it with a NEW beepee sig!
Everything forward......


HUGS HUGS and more HUGS

[beepee]

VH: thanks!
i am having a really hard time detaching. i can't stop thinking about him, i can't stop snooping, every bad incident thats ever happened plays out over and over and over in my head. and then there are the good times that play out over and over again that makes me sad because i dont have it anymore.

i know i am letting him control my emotions and its extremely unhealthy. i dont know what to do about it. he definitely left because i was too needy, i dumped all of my emotional baggage on him and i was just too dependent on him to make me happy. he just couldnt take it anymore. in the last email, he did say that his dream was for me to become content within myself, WITHOUT HIM. so i know what the problem was and is and i know what i need to fix, its just so hard to move on.

i was having this talk with my IC yesterday about how i should think back to the times when i felt good about myself and to write everything down about myself that i loved. she asked me what i liked about myself and i was only able to give her like 2 things. she told me when i go to bed, instead of thinking about him, think about everything i loved about myself instead and that would help in reducing the vivid dreams i have about him and increase positive dreams about ME. but its so hard, i lie in bed and daydream about all the changes i can make and what id like to be like in months or a year to come and imagine myself bumping into him somewhere and hes so amazed at how much ive changed and falls in love with me again. i know its all fantasy, but i cant stop thinking about stuff like that every night, every day.

i do try and think about the good things about me but because i feel so abandoned and ugly, i cant see anything good about myself. i see some, but not as much as i should. i dont love myself like i should and it breaks my heart that i cant feel that love for myself that i feel for my H. i know once i learn to love myself that my love towards my H will be much healthier but im so scared that im never gonna get that chance and sometimes that makes me not even want to continue to improve myself because i dont even know if im going to get him back. but i know i have to do this for me and its important for me to survive and enjoy life to the fullest.

ive been doing so much today, more than i thought i was capable of doing because i didnt feel too good when i woke up but i forced myself to work on a few projects and i got them done, but it was tough because i was thinking about him the entire time and my stomach was just in knots constantly because the negative events that occurred between my H and I just wouldnt leave my mind. everyone says do something to take your mind off the H but EVERYTIME i do something, it doesnt take him off my mind at all. i dont know what else to do. im trying so hard to detach, to do things that make me happy, to get my mind off him, but nothing works and thats a major problem. i feel like he will never be out of my head and that he will control my thoughts for a very very long time to come and i dont want that. im so sick of it, there are so many other things that i WANT to think about but when i try, it rewinds back to the H. theres always SOMETHING that reminds me of him. there's always a reason for me not to feel good enough. and im sooo utterly sick of it.

i feel like i should be progressively moving on by now, its been nearly 6 weeks. and i still feel like i did the day he left. im sorry im having a good vent. ive done everything i could today to not think about him and managed to get a lot done. but he is still there, he's still haunting me.