A very good morning to you. I read your last entry "somewhere else". I'm glad you took your own advice and rather doing something you feel comfortable with.
AAK - You think you need to see a T? Sounds like you GET IT already! I like to read your though process, as I don't think along those lines at all, and feel I SHOULD! Way to go!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A&K, I have been reading along. This is the hardest it can get for you, it -very slowly-changes from immense pain to deep sadness and that brings acceptance for a few things (not necessarily the end of your M)- which -acceptance,is not the easiest of all processes , BUT trust me, it will be OK in the end. I digress, just wanted to say, it gets better... You are strong, K
My fear is based mostly on being responsible for taking action. Being held responsible. It seems moms are always held accountable and dads rarely (when the kids grow up and make their assessments). I wanted to stay married. I wanted that life for my kids and I get why it cannot be but it is scary to take the initiative. My hope was to be more conscious than my parents were...and now, it feels so similar.
So, my wish has been to get help in separating my sh*t from this situation and make choices that are objective and pertinent to this life and not the life that was so many years ago. I feel that my wounds are opened and unlike H, I want to be more aware of how and where from I am operating. I still feel too in the past and I am afraid to make choices from that place.
Make sense? I want some sense of wholeness before making huge decisions. But, perhaps it is unavoidable and it is the going through it that will facilitate the transformation I am looking for. Or perhaps I just need to accept that I am trying to be super human by attempting to divorce myself from the life that made me who I am.
I know this is heady stuff but it is the truth.
I realize right now, I can't wait for the transformation. I have to keep living and doing and transforming simultaneously. It is like I've wanted to hit pause, deal with my feelings and then come back to real time. As a parent, you don't get to do that, right?
So, I humbly accept that I have to do this now and from where I am however imperfect I may be...
AAK - The bolded parts are what is good. I see a lot of you in me, or me in you>!?!? From an organized mind/heart perspective... "I will do x, when y, and z are done, accomplished, handled!" To some degree, you won't be able to make decisions based on too many, if any, other variables, ONLY what you have in front of you right now.
You have two darling boys, with a loving, responsible mom, who is in over her head financially, and suffering from a broken heart.
Well, you can't all of a sudden be financially secure, SO, how can you get on that path? And, what can you do WHILE seeking to become financially secure?
AND, you can't raise the boys all alone, without their dad behaving like you would like him to, SO, what can you do to make the situation more acceptable to you? Visit with them at your house? Shorter visitation periods? Etc...
LASTLY, you can't just heal from a broken heart overnight, SO, for now, this is the one thing you'll need to, probably, just give time.
My thoughts for the day!
I should listen to myself!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I got the "somewhere else" I think but...
, BUT trust me, it will be OK in the end.