~ My story ~

[25yearsmlc]

While it's nice to hear that your h wants back in the house, he is rushing things a bit. Like a lot. You both have a lot of personal work to do and It sounds as if you both have made very impulsive, destructive choices in the past. Take your time, b/c this is too important to rush. Tell him it's out of respect for the M, and the new way of treating it, that you want to really figure things out right. And if it seems like it's almost TOO SLOW for you, then slow it down some more. Rushing back together without any growth or insight, will be repeating the same behavior but expecting different results, which is the definition of insanity.

WCW, thanks for the book suggestion. With 4 kids & working 50 hrs a week it will take me a small eternity to get through all these! LOL

You may need to "schedule" couple time, just like the rest of us or it won't just happen. Your kids are at high needs times and all couples feel some distancing from each other at this phase. Read those books and find out that this IS normally a rough time in most successful marriages. But you weather the storm, standing in the doorframe til it passes...and you find each other again.

Anyway, I'm not 100% positive that I don't want to reconcile, honestly. I sure was a week ago, but after giving myself some "cool down" time I'm thinking differently.

Obviously you are NOT sure of it either way. You are confused. But You don't have to choose or have your life figured out by wednesday at 6 pm...learn, grow, figure things out.

I just don't want to run back to him & bail again or vice/versa.

That's a Good sign...do NOT rush this.

How do I handle these feelings? This morning I honestly felt like I would take off work & high tail it to ATL & find him & tell him that I love him & that I know we are making a HUGE mistake.....but what if he turned me away again? Or said he was with someone else now?

3 things---First off, you are not really in a position to make a choice as you admit only a few sentences ago. Your emotions are running wildly from one extreme to the other so you cannot and should not act on any of them for now...good grief. Second-- we all have to weather some storms in marriage. Your 4 kids at their ages is a tough time for all couples. So you need to know that no couple alwawys has smooth times. I have known two couples (the wives) tell me "we never fight" about their marriages and I kid you not, both had their husbands leave them...Conflict is not the problem, b/c some couples get more thrown at them in life. What matters is how you handle that conflict or challenge. 3-- But if you reflect and grow and choose to try again with him, AND this presumes you have studied and reflected and gotten counselling and THEN made this careful choice, ....WELL assuming ALL That.. when it comes time to take the risk to put your heart out there, and lay it on the line, and you said to him to 'take a chance, like you'd be willing to do, b/c you think you two are worth it, and the kids are, and he says "no thanks", so what?

If he says "no, I'm too angry to forgive, or there's OW, or too much water under the bridge, or we are too different or whatever", and you have worked to become the best woman you can be, -Which is a woman only a fool would leave and he still says no, then either he is a fool, or he is not the man for you and you'll have to trust that the universe (or God) has something even better waiting for you around the corner. And you can say "I respect and accept that choice, & I hope you find what you are looking for, and will always encourage your R with the kids..." [b]and leave with your head held high. There are no guarantees for any of us. If he says YES, there are no guarantees either. You barely know what you want yet you want him to have all the clarity? Come on put the pride aside and start working on you. ANd no, when I say put pride aside it does not mean be a doormat. It means setting and enforcing healthy boundaries on both ends and lots and lots of respect on both ends. Even when he "doesn't deserve it"....remember,
The goal is to demonstrate that you WILL NOT HAVE THE SAME MARITAL PROBLEMS AGAIN and this goal, is a must come true thing.

See where I get my name...DISTRACTED? I think WAY too much!

You "feel" a lot and you react to the feelings. Do more thinking and reflecting and much less feeling and reacting to them, and see if that helps. Think things through more too. Like the affair.

One time long ago, I seriously considered having one. I had lots of rationalizations (which I referred to as "good reasons!) and all that. But i had a good friend and good c and minister, etc. What helped the most was really thinking it out. "Okay, so I have an affair. Either I actually "fall" in love with OM and go off with him, or it fizzles out and I just had a fling and committed adultery which means I will have broken vows I took in Church, to God and h and in front of my family and friends and for a fling, that's a big ass thing to do...so back to the "what if I fall in love" scenario, which is where I thought I was headed...(in retrospect it's amazing that I thought I felt love for OM b/c we have nothing in common but there was a war, it was crazy and intense and blah blah blah) SO, I'd have to go to my h (of 9 years then) and my little kids and tell them that I was leaving their daddy, -he'd cry- they would cry, and I would cry and die inside...so not worth it. So before it got too carried away and ruined countless lives, I stopped myself and thank GOD for that. But if you really think these things out, they're rarely RARELY worth it. If your marriage sucks enough that an affair IS worth it, get a divorce and be honest about it. I"m not condemning you-I'm talking about putting a lot more thought into your actions BEFORE you take them....make sense?

Gotta go, good luck, you are in the right place. When can you see a c? can you make a phone appt with a DB coach? I know money is tight, join the club. But this is not as expensive as divorce is, trust me on that...of all the things I did to help us and myself out to get thru this, my DB coaching was the single best thing I did. It clarifies a lot. And you need major clarity.

Slow down, take a breath...and keep reading the stuff you have, keep posting and don't obsess about your h too much. Try reading some of CG's posts about thought stopping, which helps focus and detach and not get so uptight. When you operate in fear and hyperactivity, you are not operating in faith and you are not really present for your kids....they really need you now.
j-