Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Same old same old here. No change. I make it a point with my friend not to bring up my H. I have to come up with a name for my friend, how about Tommy...that works. Anyway, Tommy constantly asks if he's (my H) is around, so of late, I go out walking or something if he calls so I get some privacy.

Actually, lo and behold, there is news..my H just walked in here (my office) just 1 sec ago and verbally told me how to use a flash drive to of music to put on my iPod. He had burned cds for me and emailed me directions, but that didn't work. This is a tad more difficult because I'm going from an Apple computer to Windows. But the point is, he talked to me! He didn't email me, he tt me! OMG!

I had just written him a deep, emotional email this morning saying that I want his forgiveness, and giving a real life example from Redbook of a couple who kind of went through a similar thing and survived. Maybe this Last ditch effort stuff works, even in the 11th hour, like it is for us? God I hope so.

I just went to a movie tonight that while overall hopeful, reminds me why I don't want to go out into the dating world again. I'm so sick of dating. I think that's why "Tommy's" offer of living with him is so inviting. Not only is it flattering, at a time when I'm getting next to no attention from my husband, but I'd love to be waking up with a real, live, person once again. Being alone in a bed sucks. I swear one of the best parts of being married was sharing a bed! I love to cuddle.

I think I might move out after our court thing at the end of August, no matter how it goes, cause I might be forced out at that time. The weird thing is, that I don't even know Tommy that well, and I've never gone from rlsp to rlsp before, ever. I've always had pretty decent sized times in between dating or being alone and single or whatever. I just won't move in with Tommy unless I feel really strongly about it, instead I will move into my folks place.

God, he and I have so much to talk about were we to do something like this, I mean there's so much I dont' know about him yet. Also, I'm trying to learn something from this D, so I will be asking more and more questions and different ones than I had thought were so important before. Yeah, some of those questions are important, but there are others, and deeper levels to the basics that are so critical day to day, like gender role expectations for your spouse, etc. And yet, I want to be able to go out with someone without feeling I'm interrogating them, you know? I was telling my mom that no one better give me any crap for anything I do, like live with someone before marriage, because I've tried the traditional route, and it didn't work for me and now I'm terrified of getting married ever again.

Maybe what I needed to do to truly GAL and do my LDE (last ditch effort) successfully was truly start living like I'm getting a divorced or just got one, hence testing the waters/dating casually and starting to refer to "getting divorced" in casual conversation as well as stop wearing my ring? I find this weird that this might be what draws my husband back, but maybe it's where I needed to go and he needed to see I could be successfully divorced before he decides I'm worth keeping? I feel like I've come so far through the pain, I'm kind of scared if he does want me back because how can I open myself up again to him, the man who has all this power to hurt me so badly?? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be thrilled if he wants to end this divorce right here and now, but then what? How do we rebuild our marriage and this time get it right?

Sounds like I have more reading to do.

I still need to do the "homework" from DB as well as GTLYW. I'm especially curious about GTLYW's exercise when you determine positive and negative characteristics of your parents and see how that has influenced your choice of marriage partner.

So, here I am folks, walking a tightrope between two worlds while still clinging to the fading hope that my H will come to his senses before I plunge into Divorceland. At least I feel like I wouldn't be crushed were that to happen at this point. At least I have some hope for the future once again. That's a good thing. I'll take it.

Adios amigos!