I'm so glad someone else used the word abusive...it's what was in my head, and I hesitated to say that. But yes, your H's behavior is abusive.
So, I kind of think you need to get clear on your boundaries. Essentially, are you willing to continue swinging to save your marriage? The answer is either yes or no. Be honest, because there IS a price to pay when we do things that don't fit what's good for us.
Second: are you willing to allow your H to continue swinging to save your marriage? Again, yes or no, and really think about all the consequences.
Fear...well, it keeps us from acting authentically all the time, but what happens when we act out of fear is that we harm ourselves.
If the answer to the two questions above is no, then I think you owe your H a clear, honest conversation:
"H, I am sorry that I led you to believe that swinging was okay with me and my personal beliefs. I did it to please you, because I was afraid that if I didn't, you'd leave. I now realize I was wrong to be dishonest and withhold my true feelings from you.
"I am not okay with swinging, and I am not okay with you continuing down that path. You say that you will end up resenting me, you say that you love me, but I wonder if you realize that I will end up hating and resenting you for expecting me to cross boundaries I am not willing to cross.
"This has nothing to do with self-esteem or social anxiety, it has to do with my expectations from a partner. I would prefer that we work on making our marriage fully satisfying, together, but I understand I cannot make you do anything. However, I choose not to live my life this way."
Clear...direct...honest.
Honey...you and I are close in age, and I finally reached the point where I was no longer willing to compromise just to save a relationship. Not when it was detrimental to our R, like my H's continued friendship with his one-sided (him) EA that impacted our M. I love my H, but I am completely willing to walk away if he contacts her again, period.
Your H is not treating you with love. He is being manipulative and pushing you to do things you aren't comfortable with. Is it worth it?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
The ironic thing is that he claims he felt closer to me due to the swinging and I put up walls around my emotions.
He is using emotional blackmail when he says things like this. Don't you think this man knows you and what makes you tick? All he has to do is throw a bone your way.....such as that statement.....and he thinks you'll do ANYTHING for him to feel closer. Please! Honey, there are sperm donors all over this world, but it doesn't make them a daddy. If you were looking for a great father figure for your children.....would you really choose him? What will they learn from seeing what is lived out before them?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I happen to have a bit of experience in another 'lifestyle' area, and in that one it's a pretty high crime to push, manipulate, bully, pressure or otherwise attempt to force someone to do something in violation of that person's stated boundaries. If swingers have safewords, and if using one will get the heck through to him - use it.
I would also suggest removing your "couple" profile from the swinger site if you have the sort of access to do that. If he wan't to leave his own up, that's his choice - but he also has to live with the consequences.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
SB, you are not a walkaway wife. A WAS is one who leaves a perfectly good marriage due to emotionally checking out, finding OW/OM, someone who just thinks they would be better off without the other, or something similar. I believe you understand what I am saying or you will soon. I agree with the poster who said something about the person you are projecting to your children. Is this a lifestyle you would be okay with if they were to choose it. Kids are smart at picking up on things that are said and done. If they don't know that you and your H are living it yet, they most likely will if you continue with it. And as far as your profile on the site, if you cannot remove it, then most likely you could contact the sight admin and have it removed.
What gets me confused is often we seem to have a perfectly good marriage- he can treat me really nice when he wants to. Last night he was really nice, and is tonight offering to help me tune up my bicycle. It makes me crazy because then I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and I start second-guessing myself. He is acting as if we never discussed splitting, MC, etc.- wth is going on? (Note to self: H wants to f*** other women. H uses you as bait to get these other women because they are part of a couple. H doesn't care if you f*** other guys. H wants to make you responsible for his happiness. H claims he knows what's best for you, but he is not an IC. H wants you on medication. Keep all this in mind, Bunny!!!)
I want to try talking to him again, hopefully tonight, and see where he really wants to go from here- no more tap dancing around. I really appreciate everyone's posts, they have helped me see things from a different perspective. I guess an outsider can see things more clearly sometimes.
What gets me confused is often we seem to have a perfectly good marriage- he can treat me really nice when he wants to. Last night he was really nice, and is tonight offering to help me tune up my bicycle. It makes me crazy because then I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and I start second-guessing myself.
First off- her informal, non-professional opinion: she wants to slap H as much as everyone else around here and is amazed I've stayed this long. As much as she tried to hide it, the look on her face was priceless as I described some of what's been going on. Based on what I've told her, professionally, she agrees that IC may be beneficial to H for his sexual, control and anger issues if he was open to it. She sees a pattern of emotional abuse in our relationship, and hearing the opinions on this board helped that sink in for me- I wasn't sure I totally believed her on that one. And unlike H, she believes that I don't meet the required guidelines for needing any medication.
I started IC to learn better how to stand up for myself in my M- still working on that one, obviously. H thinks I went to work on self-esteem and confidence issues in general, which is true- I'm just going in a different direction with it than what he expected. Last time I was there, we went over a game plan for talking to H about boundaries, but I wasn't as strong as I should have been in the actual conversation. I need to try again.
(((((Bunny))))) I was just a bit amused.... I can't help it! If your H thought that your IC was going to tell you that the life he wants you to lead is a good idea for you, he is a really confused man!
There's no molehill here, in my opinion your H thinks of you as an object, not a person. He uses you to get what he wants... that's not much of a marriage.
I'm really glad to hear that you've got a real life professional helping you with this. It sounds like her reaction dovetails pretty well with the vast majority of readers here. Given that we can be a contentious lot generally, that's not inconsiderable......
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
