Ah, it's a nice blue day in Coastal State, and I'm feeling mojolicious.
Gonna get some work done. Have a conference call to look forward to. Was finally able to get out of bed at a decent hour. And I've decided to be everything WAW isn't -- forthright, open, honest, clear, decisive. I'm going to model -- for myself and my friends -- the attitude and behavior that I think someone in my position should manifest. Enough with the pettiness and the nastiness and the regret and -- most of all -- enough with the self-recrimination.
For 5 months I've taken responsibility. I've taken ownership. I've owned-up, 'fessed-up, broke-up.
Today I start a new phase. I'm not apologizing any more for the past. I'm not living in the shadow of the past. I'm not thinking about the past. Every time you focus on the past, you just drag it into the present and it affects the future -- which means, curiously enough, that it's not really the "past," is it?
A friend asked me after a brutal 2-hour tennis game last night, what am I willing to do for reconciliation?
And I thought about it, looking out over the ocean, and I realized -- with a clarity that you don't often get -- what the answer is.
"Nothing," I said. "Not one dam thing."
Scratching the old noggin, Friend asked, "So what does that mean?"
To which I replied: "It means that [WAW] was right all along -- that marriage is dead. It's done. I don't want it back. I don't want that wife back. Now, I'm open to a new marriage with a new wife who just happens to be the same person as the old wife. But there would have to be new rules, new agreements, new evaluations, new expectations, new understandings. The king is dead; long live the king."
Friend replied, "That's an interesting way to look at it. So you really don't want her back?"
And I heard myself say something that, upon reflection, I thought was pretty nifty: "Nope. But I could want her forward."
...."It means that [WAW] was right all along -- that marriage is dead. It's done. I don't want it back. I don't want that wife back. Now, I'm open to a new marriage with a new wife who just happens to be the same person as the old wife. But there would have to be new rules, new agreements, new evaluations, new expectations, new understandings. The king is dead; long live the king."
Friend replied, "That's an interesting way to look at it. So you really don't want her back?"
And I heard myself say something that, upon reflection, I thought was pretty nifty: "Nope. But I could want her forward."
Smiley hits another one out-of-the-park...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I don't know about that. All I know is that the better I understand what's in my head, the better I do. The better I do, the more I understand what's in my head.
For me, it's about the interior dialog. It appears to be the case that I don't speak a language WAW understands; what I say doesn't resonate with her, and this creates the panoply of misinterpretations that has plagued me the past couple months.
I clearly don't speak WAS -- call me crazy, but I just can't get past 2+2=4, though she seems to be able to. It's like that awful interrogation scene in "1984" (starts @ 6:00). To see the world the WAS way is an act of will.
So now - hopefully somewhat clearly, hopefully somewhat articulately - I'm talking to me.
I've decided to be everything WAW isn't -- forthright, open, honest, clear, decisive.
I would politely suggest you forgive her her trespasses and make this latest epiphany about you and only you.
That isn't to say your w is any of these things. It is more that you have to make these strides because you want to have the greatest Mojo working and not just because you want to be her opposite.
That gives her power and place that you can't give her right now while you focus on you. Focusing on you mean just that. You.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Who's pulling the switch in your sitch, SP? That's the important difference. You don't have to live in her world and twisted reality.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Reading too much into it. I'm not doing it because of her. I'm doing it for me, because I like it. Merely pointing out that, in the grand scheme of things, I'm rolling a way WAW is unwilling or unable to.
nobody but WAS's speak WAS. and very few translators. believe me, the rest of us have no difficulty understanding you! at the end of the day, you must do it for yourself--so you're definitely on the right track.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I really have to agree about the WAS speak. For 19 months my H tells me *everytime* we talk that he cant be married anymore. Yes, you have made it perfectly clear. You leaving me, filing for divorce, having an affair and letting me know you cant be married each time you open your mouth has painted a rather blatant picture for me.
Its almost like pursuit but opposite. The LBS will say how much they want to be married (or just think it) but the WAS will say how much they cant/dont want to be married. I once said to my H, "what makes YOU think I WANT to stay married to you after all this?" He had no answer.
I swear, sometimes I think the WAS says things for their own benefit and not so much for the LBS. As if they still need to totally convince themselves and the more they say it, the more they believe it.
The WAS - an odd bunch indeed. The LBS - also an odd bunch (but way cooler
Hmmmm as once a WAS I felt the need to respond to your post.
I believe that WAS believe it all right. They just want you to go away and understand.
WAS don't get up one morning and think to themselves ' well this was fun, but now what ?'
WAS begin leaving the M eons before LBS are told. WAS leave the M because there is something not being fulfilled in the M.
LBS are hurt and devastated and desperate because the WAS have left them in shock. Any LBS on this board, see the D day coming ! Not many I bet.
WAS have worked through many many emotions before doing whatever it is they needed to do to get out. Affairs, ILYBIANILWU ,lies , abuse - you all know the drill.
A little empathy here might make WAS a little more human. Their actions and talk are similar because they all feel the same. Trapped, guilty, sad, alone, scared and angry.
