Ok. Hanging with S9...for anyone who has two kids, you know how yummy it is to hang with just one, especially the older one. So calm.
Been thinking a lot about these posts.
I need to trust my instincts more. I think once I am clear and ready, I can propose a settlement that H will likely accept.
My fear is based mostly on being responsible for taking action. Being held responsible. It seems moms are always held accountable and dads rarely (when the kids grow up and make their assessments). I wanted to stay married. I wanted that life for my kids and I get why it cannot be but it is scary to take the initiative. My hope was to be more conscious than my parents were...and now, it feels so similar.
So, my wish has been to get help in separating my sh*t from this situation and make choices that are objective and pertinent to this life and not the life that was so many years ago. I feel that my wounds are opened and unlike H, I want to be more aware of how and where from I am operating. I still feel too in the past and I am afraid to make choices from that place.
Make sense? I want some sense of wholeness before making huge decisions. But, perhaps it is unavoidable and it is the going through it that will facilitate the transformation I am looking for. Or perhaps I just need to accept that I am trying to be super human by attempting to divorce myself from the life that made me who I am.
I know this is heady stuff but it is the truth.
I realize right now, I can't wait for the transformation. I have to keep living and doing and transforming simultaneously. It is like I've wanted to hit pause, deal with my feelings and then come back to real time. As a parent, you don't get to do that, right?
So, I humbly accept that I have to do this now and from where I am however imperfect I may be...
