I feel like I am operating in a vacuum

[cville22901]

beepee:
Don't ever apologize for a long post. I get a lot more out of something with some substance than I do from reading a bunch of hit and run instant message notes.

This was a real roller coaster today.

As I mentioned earlier, I went out and celebrated my son's birthday on Saturday. It was great. We did a Chinese restaraunt with my other two kids and their various significant others. We then went to my son's place for a drink. His two step brothers were there with their wife/girlfriend, and we had a great time talking.

Then my buddy and I went to a bar. I ran into my doctor, who I've only seen on one other occasion socially. He invited us to his table and introduced us to a couple of single women. My doctor left after about a half hour, and we spent the next hour or so chatting with these two ladies. It was very pleasant. They were both very smart professionals. I ended up talking to one of them most of the night, gave her my business card, and asked her to call me.

It's strange to go back thorugh my posts and read that last line. It makes me sound like the most fickle man on earth. It was quite an effort on my part to be even that bold. But, I told myself that getting a life would mean striking out and trying to connect with new people. I do not know if this woman will ever call me, but it would be nice if she did. We seemed to be able to converse pretty easily. I asked her to call me. It wasn't like I was asking her to marry me.

I guess my observation about my behavior is that my depressive "all or nothing thinking" almost held me back. Why should I waste an opportunity to befriend an attractive, intelligent, independent woman just because my wife is no longer interested? Granted, we haven't signed any separation papers, but it's been four months of nothing but "I want out" from her.

Sunday was okay, but it got very slow after my friend went back to DC.

Then, today, it was the pits. I did not sleep well, and I took half of an Ambien at 5:00AM. Then I went to see my counselor at 9:00. By the time I got finished with him, I was in no mood or condition to drive an hour to work so I took a sick day. I spent about three hours in bed trying to sleep, but it didn't work. Finally, I got up, downloaded a pdf file on "Mindfulness" (meditation) and read. I actually tried meditating for the first time in my life for about twenty minutes. I have to admit that it was pretty soothing and energizing. I hit the staionary bike for half an hour and then cooked a taco dinner for myself and my son.

He's a freaking saint! How many 27 year old men would want to put up with their father's sob story about a divorce time after time after time. Maybe he's just really hungry all the time?

Anyway, this afternoon, I also went back and reviewed a chapter in the Burns book about procrastination and "do-nothingism." This is a big problem for me. Because I do not feel motivated, I don't do anything. I just want to sit in a chair with my eyes closed. Then, I feel bad about it. The worse I feel, the more I want to sit.

To break the cycle, I just have to do something. It does not matter what. That action creates additional motivation and energy.

I consciously know this, but I find it hard to put it into practice at times. Maybe I need to put an electric fence around my bed when it is not night time. I rationalize that I am tired. Maybe I need to realize that I am not "tired" and that I am depressed and that the worst thing that I can do is to sit still.

Anyhow, what started out as a very crappy day did turn around. My plan for tomorrow is work, then volleyball (if it doesn't rain).

This weekend, I plan to go to a party in DC. My buddy and I were Peace Corps volunteers from 73-35. He has a son who is headed to Uganda in August. Second generation Peace Corps! He plans to invite some other former volunteers who live in the DC area. It will be a good time.

Half of today was good; I'll take it.