I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

thanks wifey! i agree i need to focus on myself and getting better, its very hard because he is always in my head and just neve goes away. but i'll get through this, over time. lots of time.

journaling..
so i cleaned my room a bit. thats all, went to target to return some things and got some money back that i desperately needed, and walked around with my brothers and SIL. it was good to just get out of the house even though my brother gave me sh*t about not knowing how to drive because i wanted to buy a bike! its so annoying. just because i want a bike doesnt mean i dont wanna learn how to drive. and besides, biking is good exercise and is environmentally friendly. so he ruined my mood for awhile but im not gonna let that get to me.

i was thinking a lot today about my H and reasons why he probably doesnt want to come back to me. i think his family and friends are a huge reason. they all hate me. they think i ruined his life and prevented him from getting nowhere, they think im a total b*tch and manipulative and so many other bad things. which is not fair at all because they hardly ever see me or talk to me. ok maybe i should clarify this, only his GIRL friends think this about me. sounds like childish schoolyard behavior to me. i never ever said anything to them to make them hate me so much. i was always really nice to them. and when H and i first started dating, he was spending all his time with me and not them and they would get really angry and say that im preventing him from seeing them through manipulation! ????? ugh it gets me so angry thinking about it.

but i really do believe that they are pressuring him to get a divorce and run away from me as fast as possible. i know he takes their opinions seriously because over the past few years, he lost all of his friends because they all hated me and they would send me nasty emails and texts and say the worst things to me, so all of his friendships fell apart and he felt really lonely when he moved to the states to be with me. and he really missed his friends and felt he couldnt be friends with them because of what they did to me. and since he left me, he went back home and reconciled with all his friends. and i feel they are saying that he really needs to leave me and i feel like if they decides to come back to me, that he will lose his friends all over again and he doesnt want that because he doesnt want to feel lonely.

it hurts that he would choose them over me despite how nasty they were to me. but i understand his feeling of loneliness. if you ask me, theyre not true friends anyway because you support your friend in whatever decision they make. telling your friend to f*ck off if you stay with someone they dont like is absolutely ridiculous and thats the type of people they are. ARGH i shouldnt be talking about this because it gets me so angry. ill stop now, i just needed to get that out.

well, i trust that he will do what his heart wants and not what his circle of friends and family want. who knows. but i do know for a fact that they're pressuring him to tell me to f*ck off and leave him alone. he's a big boy, im sure he will do what makes him happy. i hope what makes him happy is to reconcile with me in the future!! but ill have to wait a very long time for that to happen, if it happens. i just feel so much sadness when i think of him and how he doesnt think we're worth fighting for.

anyway..i feel so...STUCK. i hate the living situation im in. theres not much i can do to make it better but to keep myself occupied with little things. all i think about is how much i want to move out to the city and start my life all over again. its so depressing here, i cant take it anymore. this environment is not helping me with my depression, i feel like its making it so much worse and i have to fight it everyday on top of fighting the pain of losing my H.

i just wish someone would come along and give me some money and cosign for an apartment and id be on my way!! i can pack up and get the hell out of here! live my life again, start meeting new people, go out for beautiful walks, take the subway to somewhere ive never been, go out to brunch with friends, go see an independent film by myself, wander around museums, window shop, go dancing at night, go to free concerts at the park, go kayaking on the charles. i want that so bad. im trying, im saving up every penny to get there. im determined to move by sept 1. thats my main goal right now. my C is very supportive of me getting out of here. she thinks it would be the best thing for me to get better and i agree!