I have a question I need a answer to. I know the general rules is not to snoop around, BUT, if one does find some info, I.e. Little love notes, is it best to not confront, or do you confront? Or do you callOM and threaten to tear his nuts off?
I confronted, which is counter to the advice you will hear. It wasn't a confrontation so much as a civil discussion over dinner. No yelling, name calling, arguing, or threats.
I needed to do it because I'm a nice guy. I accept that people make mistakes. I was giving the OM the chance to walk away, and, as the saying goes, "let bygones be bygones".
It allowed me to take a firmer stance regarding any actions following that meeting. Continued actions now cannot be excused as one-time lapses in judgment. They are conscious decisions to continue the offense after being "let off the hook" so to speak. And that would justify viewing the OM as not a poor guy who screwed up, but as a despicable piece of &^%$#.
Don't expect it to make any difference in their behavior. I didn't, although I hoped it might. It was just for me, giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Just how I am.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I have solid proof of elementary school type love notes. Marry me crap. Confronting her would push her away. No I don't want that. I do however want to use his nuts as fish bait!
I have been sitting on it a couple of days already. Puppy and Sandi both usually give good advice, so hopefully they jump in here.
My advice would be that anyone who says "I want to use his nuts as fish bait" isn't generally of the frame of mind to do any confronting, not the RIGHT and thorough and careful way it needs to be done.
I don't agree with the "don't snoop" concept. You need to be preparing to protect yourself and your kids from the emotional/financial downfall if she does go forward and files for D. I think you need to find any evidence you can of the PA/EA and make copies without her knowledge. DO NOT CONFRONT! You don't want her to know that you are snooping or that you have any evidence. Hopefully you will never have to use it, but you need to CYA. Also, don't forget to get any and all transactions/agreements in writing from her. Please remember, she is NOT your wife that we all know and love. She is a junky who will do anything to get that next fix. I agree that you need to start planning to go dark. You need stay away from the drama before you lose what love you have left for her. Hang in there and stay strong!
If you confront her, then I think she will feel pressured to make a decision at that moment! The night the stuff hit the fan at my house.....I left. I felt I "had" to do something. I believe your W will make a decision you will not like. I did come back b/c there were other things I was forced to consider (and won't get into all of that)but if it had not been for the "circumstances".....I would not have returned. So, keep that in mind "if" you confront her.
I know you are angry and you have every right to feel as you do. But as it has been pointed out....she is not the same person you fell in love with & married. Do not expect her to act like the person you've known. I am concerned about you getting into a fight with her when you know in advance that she will be p*ssed. It's like you want a boxing match, trying to get your anger out. Don't fight the person in the R, but fight for the R. Big difference!
When your emotions are charged, the brain shuts down. It may feel as if its going 90 MPH.....but you won't make good decisions. I think the book says to take 24 (or is it 48?) hours before doing anything.
Don't confront OM.......and forget about what you could do with his n*ts......b/c he's not worth fish bait....(or whatever it was you guys were talking about).
Remember what type of character the OM has if he's playing around with a M woman! He won't care what you threaten or how tough you may sound! He's dirt! I read the same stuff when I first came on board and I did not want to believe that about "my" OM. He was different! Yeah, right. I was so addicted that I could not see him for what he truly was. Your W is the same way and you must think of her as an addict. How would you handle the situation if she was on drugs? Maybe differenly.....maybe not, but you need to try to calm down and think this through before acting on your emotions.
You need to do some extreme physical workout to get this anger out of your system or you will continue to fight with your W. It is fine to come here to vent. You "need" to vent here and not to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
