A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[sandi2]

Hi there, good job on giving the H praises. I was not good in that area myself and I've read many, many times that that is almost the number one need for men....is admiration. I use to feel so phoney when I tried to compliment my H.....but, I give other people my praises, so why not him? Do be careful to start out gently with the compliments or it will appear to be pursuing.

I want to give you a list of Do's & Don'ts for the LBS....while you are waiting for your DR book. It is a short guideline and the principles are taken from the book. Don't feel overwhelmed by it, just b/c it may seem long. These techniques really work. This is not the entire list, but couldn't get my computer to copy & past out of my documents. Anyway, it's a start!


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out the good things in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage
books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. Don’t act as if you are going to gobble up their “crumbs”(Remember, you are
drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. They can’t fix what is wrong.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life as if you’ve had a “wake-up call”.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, go walking, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words but don’t act “hurt” or mad. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! Do not sit up late waiting for him/her to arrive home.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more importantly, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) Do not discuss your plans of self improvement.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. You want them to think that they would be a fool to leave a person as great as you.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. WAS are able to do that easily, so be on your guard and refuse to get into a R talk.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic in showing a PMA, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.(This is MHO) Do not go out (date) with other people or flirt with others--in order to cause your spouse to feel jealous. It is best to stay away from places that would encourage temptation with the opposite sex. (Some people on the board have different opinions about this issue.)