d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Hi Grace,

I'm not holding up very well at all. Confused as ever. H stopped going to strip club for a couple of months but has now started going back again.

I can't help but to love him and of course want to be there for him. But I just sit there and try to listen to everything he says. Like 2 weeks ago when he said all those nasty things. I know deep down he didn't mean them (totally)

Last Friday he asked if I wanted fish for dinner. I know he's not coming back but I'll take the free meal. He ate with D4 and I and left (he was all dressed up, going out after dinner) He gave me a big hug when he left. H offered to come over saturday in the am and cut down some of my heavy weed growth around my barns.

I maybe should have said no, but I really needed the help with that. I've asked some of my friends but they didn't have the cutters to do it.

Well he hung out with us all day and night. It was great to be with him. He couldn't stop going to his vehicle and checking his cell phone. That drove me crazy, but I never said a word about it. He was always very short tempered with D4. She only wanted him to play with her. She loves her daddy so much, cries for him at bedtime (the nights he's not there) but I love him there and seeing his tender side with her at bedtime.

He was trying to be kind-of touchy feely with me. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to attack him right there. He would have let me. His body language was ready. D4 was with us, and I guess that was a good thing. 2 weeks? ago with our fight, he said he only stayed at the house on occasion because he was using me !! Argh, but deep down I had already figured that he just said that to hurt me.

This past monday he texted me early in the morning and said he was in the mood for pizza, asked me if it sounded good to me.
He brought over pizza and a big container of ice cream. H helped put D4 to bed and then napped in lazy boy. He wasn't very talkative. When he woke up he had to have the ice cream. I was proud, I didn't have any. He keeps bringing supper over and it's not helping my weight loss.

I believe he's back in replay stage again. Talks about his teenage years and party, party. He doesn't care what he says to me - sometimes kind of dirty talk. Othertimes how he loves being alone and single. (not yet he's not !! )

I'm now just holding out for the august 1, divorce. Anniversary on august 2. He's never acknowleged anniversary's in the "almost" 6 years so I know he won't care about this one either.

H is like being married to a different person every day. As sad as it is and so very hard on our emotions. I have tried to find it a little entertaining to hear him talk. Then I come to realize that I gave him all I could and I tried to save our marriage. Problem is, I was the only one that wanted to.

Take care - thanks for checking on me. The roller coaster ride still isn't over !!!!

[misshim]

This afternoon I texted my H to tell him that the leftover pizza from monday is still in the fridge and when he comes to drop off D4 tonight they can eat. (saves his mother from cooking for the two of them). He texted, ok but I will have to eat and run tonight but I will make it up to you on thursday. WTH???

I responded by texting him, you don't need to make up anything for me, I'm just letting you know that your pizza is still in fridge if you want to eat it.

H texted, thursday we party ok? ---

What on earth is he talking about? First of all we don't party. D4 goes to bed and he talks dirty to me (lately) and then falls asleep in the lazy boy.

I didn't know what to text back, (very odd on his part, I feel like he's telling me he's going to do me a huge favor !! ) The only thing I texted back was -- Take care of yourself (because he was going out tonight)

H texts back -- always. (would be nice if he said thanks, or you also )but not him. He pretends he's taking care of himself but he's barely holding on, his actions are telling his story.

I texted him back asking him if our town's band was playing in the park tonight. He texted back - yes

So that's where I'm at for now !!!! I know I ramble on but I really don't want to talk to any of my friends or family about this. My farm animals really don't give good advice. My crying has eased up alittle but my thoughts are going crazy.

Why does he want the divorce to go thru so bad, but yet wants to play with me???? He does know that after the divorce all his coming over and hanging out will stop! (I told him that, he just shrugged his shoulders)

I'm getting tired of not knowing what to do or say next.

I'm almost afraid to take my D4 out to park. Alot of the town will be there, and they WILL come up and ask me what the latest about our marriage situation. Argh!! I think I'll politely say, I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk about it here tonight.

[WCW]

misshim, I understand the torture of being pulled and sucked back in when they seem nice or normal for short glimpses. IMO the best thing for you to do is be steady. Pick your trail and stay on it, and if you get detrailed just dust yourself off and get back on the trail.

You can allow your H to help you.
You can allow your H to put D to bed.
You can allow your H to bring food.
That is all making your life easier.
Some will call it being a doormat. Others will say you are being a rock.
It is really up to you how want to feel and how you want to perceive your personality.

If you are strong enough at this point to tell him no, do not come here and abide by your own rules and you have a way to enforce them then you might do that and give him a taste of what it would be like without you and D being there for him every day.

See how hard it is to decide what is best for you?

Each sitch is so much the same but yet different. In my sitch, I was never able to enforce boundaries so it made my choice easier to try and be the rock, to be steady, to be the safe place. The only boundary I managed to enforce is that I told H if he moved out I did not want him to come back and help with the morning chores. He never totally moved out, just took a lot of his stuff somewhere, but slept at home each night.

What is easier for you at this time?

[misshim]

WCW,

I do like my h there with us. (of course it's stressful) IMO, he doesn't want to lose us. (not really)

H has been texting me all morning, small stuff but I do enjoy hearing from him.

It's so very hard to say no to H. He picks up our D from daycare mon, tues, friday, and then every other weekend. Funny when he was living at the house. He never would pick up our D from daycare. H works 15 minutes from daycare and gets off 2 hours earlier then me. But I would leave work, then drive 1 hr to daycare (of course driving like a crazy person)just to pickup D4 by my scheduled time)

I actually enjoy being able to take my time driving home now. But hate the whole situation.

Yes, I guess I am the doormat. But IMO, I believe that our house is a place that he feels safe and normal.

New divorce date august 1, maybe we can rebuild. Who knows.

My thinking (maybe wrong) is that I'm trying to save my marriage now. I've ignored alot about what he says and does to hurt me. After the divorce, I will be there for him however he will have to be here for me (even if only a little)

Have a good day

[Grace_O]

misshim,

I don't think of it as being a doormat, but that (in my mind) has alot to do with what is going on in your head. If you let him do it out of fear...that's doormat world to me. Like WCW said though, it's all subject to interpretation. You know him and you, we don't.

Trying to save your marriage is good, what about you though? I know you have limited time, but it is soooo important. We all deal with the different constraints of our lives. My time is seriously limited too, but I make a point to do things for me. Granted my D's are older and more self sufficient, but they are with me 24/7.

I know that sometimes talking is the only thing that really helps sometimes. Good for you that you are limiting what you say to those that know him. That's one of the great things about this bb, you can say anything and get feedback on it. There is also ways to find some of us off here.

Take care and have a good weekend.

HUGS

[misshim]

I don't want anyone to slap me with a 2x4 but I was really a wreck this past weekend. This is how it started.

H: texted how would you like fish tonight?
I: sounds great
H: i'll bring D home and then go get
I: ok, then you have to eat & run
H: I'd like to stay and put D4 to bed if that is ok?
I: That would be fine.

Dinner was quiet, after dinner H laid in lazy boy while d4 and I played outside. H put her to bed and sat back in recliner for 1 hour. He got up to leave and I walked him to the door. Told him to have a good night. He hugged me and slapped me on butt. I said what was that for? H told me that was a love tap.
Weird. He said he was going to text me later and see if I wanted him to come back over, (after the bar!!!)

I told myself I won't answer if he texts. Well he never did anyways. Found out Saturday through mutual friends that he sat at the one horse bar downtown by himself till 1:30 am. Hope he's reflecting on all this.

H texted me on & off this weekend. Never asked about D4. Oh yea, my weekend we never see him. His weekend he wants to stay at my house, so I can watch our D4.

Sunday am, I texted him (just to be naughty) We would really like you to come to church with us at 9:30. No answer, except 1 hour later he texted me, I overslept. He really wouldn't have gone anyway.

Sunday after dinner, D4 and I went for a long walk, she saw her dad drive down the other road from our house. We live on on hill and can see the crossing road. D4 is devasted, Daddy never comes to see me. He doesn't love me. I want to play with him. Tore my heart out, I loved her up, then texted him.

I: Shame you had to drive near the house, D4 and is upset
H: She'll be fine
I: Why are you a jerk?
H; can't talk now, I'm busy
I: Fine, have fun at strip club - (that was confirmed where he was going)
H: ok; could I come over later when I'm done going out?
I: I love you, she doesn't. I wish I could trust you. NO THANKS!!
H: think about it and I'll text you later, I really want to see you.
I: Ok, text me if you want later

well, he never did text me. I'm glad, I was not going to allow him over. There is just so much hurt and lies. I sat out at my picnic table trying to trap racoons. Had monitor in the kitchen window so I could hear D (she's having alot of nightmares lately) and so I could watch the mother cats take their little kittens out for hunting lessons.

Funny, male cats got what they wanted and the mother cats take care of the little ones. LIFE !!! HA-HA

There are some really great men out there, that love and enjoy their children. I hope someday I will be blessed to find one.

[Twink]

Misshim, I haven't posted to your thread before, but I just have to respond to this:

There are some really great men out there, that love and enjoy their children.

Yes, there are, and my H was one. We raised and enjoyed 2 children together, saw them through college, and now they are on their own. And so am I.

There are no guarantees.

[Grace_O]

How are you doing?

Yes, there are some really great men out there and Twink is right, there are no guarantees. We all just do our best.

HUGS

[misshim]

Same old stuff happening. I'm just going with the flow. My H behavior is so up and down, I lost track.

He texted me yesterday am - good morning! how are you doing today? Would you mind if I brought over something for dinner when I drop D4 off. (wednesday) night.

I said, that would be fine. I'm tired of this emotional struggle. Always questioning my ways with H. I decided since I can't stop the D I'll just be nice to him and enjoy the free dinner, when he's in the mood to ask me if I want it.

We played outside w/D4 last night. We really did have a blast, we had deer out in our corn field and D4 was trying to "catch them to pet" ha-ha. H and I were laughing so hard. It was fun, actually the best it's ever been.

D4 asked him to put her to bed (of course) then he came out and napped in recliner. I woke him up so he could leave. H asked if he could stay and "snuggle" with me. I'm such a sap, I said snuggle only. He said fine. It was so nice, I held his hand as I prayed quietly for the two of us to find "us" again and for strength to grow.

I slept in his arms almost all night. No kissing, I wanted to but H made clear along time ago, he doesn't kiss anymore. I kissed him on the cheek and told him goodnight. He nuzzled into my neck and said goodnight. I woke him up 4am this morning for him to go to work. He never wanted me to ever make his lunch when he was living there. But I did make him a lunch this am and I put alittle note inside the lunch bag. Knowing him, he'll never even acknowledge it, but it made me feel good to do it.

Who knows if right or wrong in the DB world. We have been through so much and I know it's almost over. To be held maybe for the last time was something I wanted to savor.

As tough as it is going to be. I will have to let him go as of d-day (aug. 1) I made a promise to myself, just let go. No more "sleepovers" and no putting D4 to bed. H has been told also that it will end at the divorce date, (he used to say, yea, I know) If we have to take her to a C then so be it to help her adjust to the situation. I should have stopped it along time ago, but it was nice having him there with us and I didn't want to let go. We have just about 1 week left to enjoy each other. Crazy, I can't believe it's almost over.

Maybe someday there will be a chance for us. But in the mean time I will be strong and do what I need to do to keep my sanity and MY heart happy. I sound selfish but of course I'll make sure my daughter is happy as well.

Have a good day everyone

[Grace_O]

To be held maybe for the last time was something I wanted to savor.

The only thing I would caution you about here is that you don't "telegraph" to him that it's the "last time". If you get my meaning.

It doesn't sound selfish to take care of yourself. How can you possibly look out for anyone else if you don't?

I can hear the struggle in your words and I wish that I was articulate enough to have some words of my own that would magically make you feel better.

I'd like to tell you it does get easier with time. I'm more than 2 years into this and in some ways it's easier, but I still struggle with other things. I don't have any plans, I ain't goin' nowhere, so I'll just hang out and figure things out. That's the best we can do aside from GAL. Belly dancing anyone??

HUGS