Just to clarify, I wasn't accusing you of that. Just asking, and if you were to be P.Oed about the "me time" it is completely understandable.
If that was the case than I can relate, I used to get so ticked off and look for anything under the sun to try to lay a boundary on. LOL! You don't want to do that.
Now.... I do think you have every right to have this shared with you. You are their mother. You just have to try to come up with a good way to place this boundary and I am confident you will.
The crazy behavior will test you like no other. You must try your very best to keep your focus on you and the kids. It's very easy to get caught up in trying to figure it all out....Dont. You can't anyway, coming up with rational answers for the irrational is impossible.
Don't be rattled by all this, it's par for the course. Focus on you and the changes you need to make, take care of yourself and your little ones.
Hey! I knew you were just "asking" vs. "accusing"...no need to clarify. We're on the same wavelength (remember Real World???LOL)
Anyways, he does not show anger in yelling or aggression. He just shows it in his coldheartedness. I am honestly beginning to become a bit scared of what will happen when it gets unleashed. Maybe it never will, maybe he will keep shoving it down & stay in replay forever.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hopeful....you definitely have a weird one and I agree with Mach, he's definitely MLC. Even though he's not been symptomatic in certain areas, ie the kids, let's just be grateful.
Haha!! yes I do, a little too well. I scare myself. : )
Who knows if he will show a lot of anger or not. Expectations either positive or negative will get ya in this crazy world. So you must deal in the here and now. Try not to worry or anticipate what may or may not happen.
The only reason I asked is that we had dicussed a little about boundaries. He should not be allowed to be aggressive or angry toward you. This is a good boundary to start with if he ever is. You simply say, "it's not ok for you to treat me this way." and walk away.
It's good that he hasn't been. Some don't show much anger, while others (like my beautiful little firecracker) get pretty nasty.
Just keep in mind that regardless of what he is going through, he still needs to respect you in this sense.
What do you mean by this? Do you mean they take advantage if you don't set proper boundaries?
Don't get me wrong...but why is my H the only MLCer that is ALL about the kids? I don't want him to abandon them by any means. I want them to have a good dad. It just makes me think maybe this is all just about me. He was actually normal tonight. Well, not normal if we were talking 2 years ago...but normal for today's standards. Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing weird...
Our 10 year anniversary is on Friday...how sad. Expectations at zero. I will get him a card. One that I would give to another couple...not one for a husband. I will only give him the card if he gives me something. If not, I don't want to give him anything.
I wasn't sad all day. I felt fine. It was a good day. Then I went on facebook. I saw all these darn happy looking families & couples & remarks that included funny things spouses were doing...and here I am now. SAD again.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I'm sure Mach will explain, I think he may mean the more you let your H go to work on his issues the further he may drift for a time.
Good for you on the expectations, stay in the here and now. I think the card is a good idea. I know as much as you would like to show him by making your anniversary special, he will most likely view it as pressure. The special days like this are tough, do something nice for yourself instead.
It's hard to look around and see all the other families together. I still have a hard time with this when I take the kids out to dinner or shopping.
Allow yourself to feel this and let it pass. Try in some way to use it as motivation....one of your goals. When your patience seems to be running thin or when that doubt starts to creep in. Remember seeing these families, use it as a reminder of what your standing for and be proud of that.
They all go about this in such different ways. My H has distanced from S in comparison to how he was but he works way more now and feels that that is how he is being a responsible father. But they don't have the R they had before.
Yes the more rope you give them, the more they will do but you have no real choice in it unfortunately. The only thing you can really control right now (and only to a point if you are standing) is how you are treated. Here is a perfect example, if he doesn't tell you what he is doing, but expects you to tell him what you are doing all of the time, and you go along with it, then it will continue. If he doesn't want to share, and you don't share your plans with him, he MAY begin to tell you after some time because he will have experienced it himself. I don't know if that makes any sense but...
I gave my H a card for our anniversary. I debated with myself all day about it. In the end, he didn't say much other than Thankyou, but I reached out to him in a small way and that is what counts IMO.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My past two anniversaries, I got cards for her. I did as I always do and bought TWO cards....LOL
I signed them with exactly what I wanted to say, sealed them up.....and to this day, they are in my console of my truck.....along with the other special occasion cards for her.
One day, if the fog ever lifts, she will get a stack of cards, showing her that I never once gave up on us.....
If not ? They will be a good starter for a keg party bon-fire !
Please don't expect anything from him for this....Take yourself to a nice dinner and movie, and be sure to treat yourself....
