Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

It is a terrible hard journey but one we are all walking.

i read a WONDERFUL new book that has really gave me insight into my life - standing and what I am doing. AND it enforces to me AGAIN that WE CANT DO ANYTHING to bring them back. IT IS TOTALLY on them.

The name of the book is "I do again". I grabbed it because it was very open and honest and real. AND FOR ME it gave me insight into my x's head. Made so many things make sense. AND IT IS BRINGING me healing.

Today while journaling I buried my old marriage. I cried and probably will cry again -- but it was time. If GOD ever works on xh and XH heeds to that call I believe GOD adn GOD alone can restore our marriage. BUT XH has to do the work on himself.... and it is hard hard work. Introspective - feeling what he has done.. and accepting that marriage was work and friendship and love and understanding. I dont know if he will EVER be able to do that.

In the 20 year I was married to him I saw him be 100% open and 100% humbled 1 time. That time lasted about 3 years.... then the old self came back with a force I never knew. It took him - he went and he is gone.

So today I am at my grave site of my marriage...right now all I see is desert land, no flowers, no hope - just lost.

(sorry to be a downer..it is actually very healing for me.. and it is a place i didn't want to be.)