Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

I recall you laid down a boundary about no ML while he's still involved with OW. I take it he does not know you know about his txt's to OW where he used the pet name? Are you wrestling with whether you tell him or not you know?

He doesn't have a clue I know about the texting. I saw them in the middle of the night last night. I had to confirm he hadn't stopped contact as he had claimed.

I don't know if I'm wresting with that exactly. More like with the entire issue of him being here while still talking with OW, giving himself emotionally to her all the while feeding me all the BS about how confused he is, how he can't live like this etc... It feels like he's stringing me along. Granted, I have set boundaries, which I am proud of, and thus far they are being followed. Maybe I am on the right track. I just don't like being in a depressed funk like I feel right now.

Perhaps I need to say flat out "An emotional affair is not acceptable." But then what? I'm just confused (now I sound like H!)

[sandi2]

You really handled it much better than I could have when I saw all the emails to/from OW! That is when (knowing me) I would have had to point out a perfect example of what an EA is!

They won't look at their reality (case in point), b/c they want to pretend and fantasize. That's why it was a shock to his system when you left last weekend. I think that is why 180's work well for a lot of people. The WAS needs a series of shocks.....and when the LBS does 180's, it keeps them (WAS) off balance and their focus off the OP and onto the LBS.

[pigskin]

I don't know if I'm wresting with that exactly. More like with the entire issue of him being here while still talking with OW, giving himself emotionally to her all the while feeding me all the BS about how confused he is, how he can't live like this etc... It feels like he's stringing me along. Granted, I have set boundaries, which I am proud of, and thus far they are being followed. Maybe I am on the right track. I just don't like being in a depressed funk like I feel right now.

Perhaps I need to say flat out "An emotional affair is not acceptable." But then what? I'm just confused (now I sound like H!)

I'm with you Ash. I've been clear that my Ws EA is not acceptable, but I can't MAKE her stop it.

It's a fine line between being aloof to reinforce the intolerance of her behavior and risking her thinking "well this sucks, why would I want to reconcile", and treating her well so she see's what she'd be giving up while risking cake eating.

We're definitely in the realm of art rather than science.

[Faith2010]

I think that is why 180's work well for a lot of people. The WAS needs a series of shocks.....and when the LBS does 180's, it keeps them (WAS) off balance and their focus off the OP and onto the LBS.

Well put Sandi. I think a series of shocks may be the trick or at the very least, a change.

I've been clear that my Ws EA is not acceptable, but I can't MAKE her stop it.

It's a fine line between being aloof to reinforce the intolerance of her behavior and risking her thinking "well this sucks, why would I want to reconcile", and treating her well so she see's what she'd be giving up while risking cake eating.

We're definitely in the realm of art rather than science.

Pigskin - Very true - we can't MAKE them stop. That's the hard part. It is a very fine line and trying to balance such is difficult but I like how you put it - in the realm of art rather than science.

H sent another text this evening: "r u ok? and will u please answer me?"

I'm not going to answer him. That is what I would normally do and what I want to do so in the spirit of an 180, I will not.

[SDFoundGirl]

Aloof = manipulative.

Indifferent & polite = detached.

Ashlee, maybe I'm wrong, but it almost seems like your H is waving his EA in your face (you too, Pigskin, sort of). It's like a little boy begging for attention.

So, my instinct here is to completely ignore him when he's being an idiot (like with the texts) and to be more attentive when he's out of alien mode. Continue to call his affair what it is if he brings it up, but almost as if you are bored with having to repeat yourself, and then change the topic.

Maybe I'm wrong, but this is the vibe I'm getting...I'd like to hear what Puppy or Sandi think about that as they're usually on the mark.

Now, what are you doing to take care of YOU? How are you finding joy each and every day? In the thick of things with my H, I found it helped to do at least one thing every day that brought a smile to my face. I also kept a gratitude journal to remind myself of the many blessings in my life...even if on particular days it was just that I'd been able to get out of bed and dress myself.

The fact that your H keeps trying to get your attention and get you to spin (and freaking out when you won't answer him and give him that attention) is good I think...it means he cares.

OW is just a gooey, nasty, dirty bandaid. Put that vision in your head...she is not as good as he think she is...or what you think she is. I found out recently that my H's former OW had actually been charged as an accessory to murder at one point in her life and received immunity to testify, and here I was thinking I was clearly dog poo because H preferred her fake goodness to me.

All is not what it seems, you know?

Just take care of you. You are valuable, and you are okay with or without your H. You're going to be just fine in the end because you are doing some hard work looking at your life right now.

SD

[Faith2010]

Thank you SD. I particularly like the image of OW as a nasty band-aid. It’s always good to be able to smile even when you’re in the thick of things.

S and I went to church last night. It was nice to be back, even S commented on it. Church is the first thing I am going to change for myself.

I called my work’s employee assistance program today and got the name of a counselor. I expressly requested one that believes M’s are worth saving.

I never did call H yesterday. Spoke with H this morning. He said he was concerned. I pointed out if he was that concerned he could have phoned me yesterday. H said he was “feeling me out” by text. Whatever.

Sticky sitch. I wrote on FB “taking it one day at a time, no more, no less.” My friend (the one wrote my H the e-mail regarding H's behavior)wrote “taking one ball at a time….lol” (She had written in her e-mail to H if it were her, she would have super-glued one of his balls to his leg. )H is ticked, wrote a text to me about it last night: “How about removing that rude comment by (name) off of FB before the nieces and nephews see that…and tell (name) to f**k off!” H spoke about it this morning - I said I don’t believe the nieces or nephews will know what it means. H said they would since some of them were asking S who H was talking to on the phone while at his parents house. H also said he wrote my friend a nasty e-mail.

So, my dear new friends, what to do, what to do.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I never did call H yesterday. Spoke with H this morning. He said he was concerned. I pointed out if he was that concerned he could have phoned me yesterday. H said he was “feeling me out” by text. Whatever.

No, no, NO!!! Supplicating and needy.

Better: "Spoke with H this morning. He said he was concerned. I said "We're fine, don't worry about us! Look, I hate to cut you off, but I was just running out. We'll have to catch up later -- bye!"

Puppy

[SDFoundGirl]

"H, I can't control what other people do or their feelings about your decision to have an affair. After all, there are consequences to our actions, and we can't anticipate them all. *yawn*"

Then walk away.

As for your convo with H, "No need to be concerned about me, H, I was just busy enjoying m y day."

Your H is a piece of work. Like he wants to be able to take a big dump right in the middle of a room full of people, run around pointing at what he's done, and then be mad when people tell him that's uncool. Whatta maroon!

What are you doing for fun today?

SD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sticky sitch. I wrote on FB “taking it one day at a time, no more, no less.” My friend (the one wrote my H the e-mail regarding H's behavior)wrote “taking one ball at a time….lol” (She had written in her e-mail to H if it were her, she would have super-glued one of his balls to his leg. )H is ticked, wrote a text to me about it last night: “How about removing that rude comment by (name) off of FB before the nieces and nephews see that…and tell (name) to f**k off!” H spoke about it this morning - I said I don’t believe the nieces or nephews will know what it means. H said they would since some of them were asking S who H was talking to on the phone while at his parents house. H also said he wrote my friend a nasty e-mail.

So, my dear new friends, what to do, what to do.

"What to do," Ash, is to stop playing silly high-school games like this with the FB. In keeping with the concept behind my last post above, you don't want to be putting pathetic posts like "taking things one day at a time" to begin with. Better to put something like "Learning so much about ME these days ... Life is Good!" or "Had a great day (doing thus-and-such)..."

See???

Puppy

[Faith2010]

"H, I can't control what other people do or their feelings about your decision to have an affair. After all, there are consequences to our actions, and we can't anticipate them all. *yawn*"

As for your convo with H, "No need to be concerned about me, H, I was just busy enjoying m y day."

What are you doing for fun today?

SD - I love the quotes. I wish I was quicker to 'think on my feet' when the sitch arises. I'm always afraid I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. At times it's difficult to pretend to be happy...which is why I needed to start working on myself.

I am getting a massage tonight (much, much needed). I set up my first IC session for tomorrow.

Puppy - I'm sure you're right and it stings. My goal was not to try to elicit responses to be used at H's expense, it's just how I felt.