I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

thanks orangedog, i definitely dont see my ADs as a magical pill, i know its not but i think it would be a bit easier for me to begin to get better when my depression isnt so severe.

i will do everything to try and treat myself with the little money i have!! i would love to get new sheets! thats something i will get once i move out of my parents. chocolates would be nice too but im trying to lose weight! maybe a piece of dark chocolate here and there

journaling:

so up and feeling somewhat ok, not totally bad like other mornings. horrible headache from all the crying yesterday though, have to find some pain killers or something cause its really pounding. maybe thatll prevent me from crying next time, keep telling myself that the headache that comes after is not good!!

so i have my IC appt today at 1pm, excited to go and talk a bit. she wants to teach me how to control my anxiety today which is good but i also want to talk about DB. we'll see. i am really thinking about going to a MC but i dont know it theres any point or if its even possible? to go by myself when the H doesnt want any part of it? i feel like if i go to see a MC who is pro-marriage, they can help point me in the right direction.

my H emailed me last night and said that MC would be a step backwards for us and it wouldnt help one bit. i really disagree and it makes me sad. i dont understand how it can be a step backwards for us? what have we got to lose if we were to just try, we dont have anything to lose but we have so much to gain if it were to work. its just too early to give up, we havent even been married for 3 years (anniversary coming up sept 25th). i just wish he would just agree and give it that one last chance you know? im not asking him to do it now AT ALL. i know there are so many things we both need to work on and i know its really good for us to be apart now but if only he would agree to it later on whenever things calm down. sigh.

im so scared of losing him. i know i need to work on myself, theres so much work i have ahead of me but he's the one person that i want to share my progress with, i want him to be with me and enjoy how much we both have changed for the better. it would be such a shame if he didnt give us that chance. an im so scared that he wont but thats not in control so i have to focus on what i can control and thats my future and the goals ive set for myself in order to get better.

Just wanted to write down some of my long term goals:

1) lose weight and reach goal of 115lbs.

2) fall in love again (with H or without H)

3) buy an apt in the city (maybe NYC)

4) visit all 7 continents

5) hug a monkey-chimpanzee (this has been one of my lifelong goals ever since i was a kid, hasnt happened yet and waiting for the day i can finally hug one!! they are so cute!)

6) join the peacecorps

7) find true happiness within myself.



Time for a nice cold shower and start this day one a positive note! im feeling good, I really want to keep this going, im determined to and when those waves of sadness hit me, im gonna hit it back!