Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

Good morning Earl Grey;

I'm going to go back to something you wrote in your first post here, regarding your current sexual arrangement as of 11 years ago:

After 8 months of back and forth (and still no sexual intimacy) she finally said that she was not willing to be sexually intimate with me nor was she willing to make any commitment to any future intimacy with me. There was never any reason why, just that it was her choice. That meant that I was not to make any further attempts at sex with her, anything suggestive in any form or fashion, and although she was not happy about the fact it placed the responsibility of initiation of anything sexual squarely upon her, she was not willing to have me initiate with her constantly turning me down. No more lingerie, no more romantic evenings or weekends for the two of us.

I would ask that you truly consider the inherent unfairness in her unilateral decision to cut off ALL sexual intimacy, her medical issues notwithstanding. Michele Weiner-Davis wrties the following in The Sex-Starved Marriage:

I also urge you [the low-desire spouse] to consider the unfairness of the tacit agreement you have had with your spouse so clearly pointed out in Dr. Pat Love’s excellent book, The Truth about Love. It goes something like this: “I know you’re sexually unhappy. Although I don’t plan on doing anything about it, I still expect you to remain faithful.” Hello, can you see what’s wrong with this picture?

Personally, I think that this can rightfully be viewed as your wife breaking one of your marriage vows, especially since you put a lot of stock in your own ability to keep *your* word, promises, and vows. A friend of mine on another board wrote the following:

Just because you are married does not mean you have to stay and take whatever the other person says. A lot of LD people will look at their spouse and say... "you'd actually divorce me over lac of sex?" And that tends to halt a lot of HD people in their tracks because the question puts a one dimensional spin on the situation... and a sordid physical one on it at that... that shuts the HD person right up and makes them feel guilty.

But an HD person takes the spin. This is NOT an accurate spin. The answer can be... "no, I won't divorce you over lack of sex. I will move on with my life in a way I see morally fit because we vowed to create a life together. A healthy sex life is part of that. By not having sex with me, you are forcing me into a moral dilemma that was not part of our original agreement. YOU are forcing me to break my vow, either to myself, to you or to God. I am left without any options whatsoever, and THAT I will leave you over. So no, it isn't about the sex. It's about our vows to one another."

Which applies to your situation perfectly. As you've said:

[Your wife told you:] "NO MEANS NO! NOT yes, NOT maybe, but NO! Isn't that what we teach our children?" Well, she was right, but celibacy in our marriage was not something I expected, asked for, or even bargained for. I already had one sexless marriage, why would I want another one?

No, you didn't expect it or agree to the sexless-marriage arrnangement, but it got handed to you anyway, irregardless of your own thoughts and desires. SHE broke the marital arrangment, SHE broke your marriage vows, and yet SHE expects you to just keep on, hangin' on.

At what point do you finally say "Enough is enough!" and put your foot down? At what point do you ask her, "Alright -- if not with you, just WHO am I supposed be intimate with and have sex with? Because I absolutely refuse to live out the rest of my life without it: this issue is now a NON-NEGOTIABLE item to me. I've been patient with you for a long, long time, but my patience has now run out."

Before you just decide to quietly become a Walk-Away Spouse, which is one of two potential outcomes that I see for you right now (the other is to remain in the marriage, silent and miserable), you owe it to yourself and your wife to confront her over this issue, so that she knows, without doubt, exactly why you are considering leaving. She may decide to do nothing about it -- in which case you can leave wiht a clear conscience. But she also might surprise you and decide that her relationship is worth saving. You won't know unless you directly share how you are feeling with her.

-- Bagheera