I would spend the time any chance I got wit the Greek when we were seperated. You are not dealing with a OM, she asked you out, she wants to go to MC (agenda not clear though) and it is a opportunity for you SP. I would be reluctant to include the kids. Our MC told us if we seperated not to do things with the kids because it confuses them. Plus it's kinda like cake eating, Mrs SP gets all the fun and warmth of family life without the commitment. Going out with Mrs SP plan. - Arrive second - Be "on" - looks, mojo, attitude, and confidence - Make it all about her (think first date): be engaging, a gentleman, active listening, let her touch you - Sit next to her not across from her - Have conversation starters and know the ROE - Watch for your triggers and don't take the bait from her - View this as a challenge (You can handle it) - Be the first to leave
"Leave them wanting more." - Col Tom Parker
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's remarkable to me how, despite all their inner turmoil and fun-house mirror reality, the WAS know how to keep the LBS guessing - and under control...While I agree with Coach that is could be a good opportunity to see your W - so long as your goal remains one of reconciliation - the caution flags fly up for me in a big way...and not because I would pretend to read your W's mind -but merely because so much of it sounds so familiar to me - and in my experience, when I would get lured into something "nice" like a walk around the neighborhood - it often lead someplace worse...and much darker than I could have anticipated. Of couse, my mistake, a big one, I suppose, was to take the comforts of a quiet, calm walk around the block, our baby in the stroller, as a small sign that things were getting better - and I would say too much - answer too many questions about my thoughts - thinking that I was merely being honest - showing that I cared...only to have each and every thing I said held up and twisted and tossed back in my face...
That said...my first impression after reading your post about the texting, etc, was that your different responses are throwing off her game - so she's opting for a different tactic - it's DBing, I know - but sometimes the same signals that mark small steps toward progress can be the same steps that lead one toward a snare. fwiw...
Don't disagree with Coach regarding a one-on-one, but to do so this Saturday would step on SP's plans with his son. Why disappoint son? Why not invite her to join them if she wishes but suggest another time for this meeting with her especially.when the agenda isn't clear?
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I don't think the kids should be with the two of you SP. My two cents. It is too unpredictable. I have to agree with Coach on that one...hey wait, pretty much whatever Coach says.
I still wouldn't reschedule cooking date with S... Reschedule a time with W if inviting her to cook too iffy. I'd rather risk pissing off W (does it matter) than letting down S. Also, reminds him that he is important and her where that you aren't at her beck and call... Just my two cents. Why can't the face-to-face be some other night than the night that was already planned?
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I'm going to try to keep the lines of communication open and improving. I sent her an email, as yet unreplied to
I'm still doing my DB kung-fu -- GALing and TCBing and whatnot -- for me (as usual).
I think I've actually been situationally depressed the last few days.
Hmmmm SP. Why on earth do you need to keep fighting to keep the lines of communication open. She abandoned YOU She abandoned the kids She abandoned the dog She abandoned her home She abandoned your future She rewrote your history
She lied lied lied and sdont you dare say you are surprised. Few of us here , whom have been in your wifes position have told you that lying is what us WAS do best.
The lines of communication will open up SP but I think go dark on her now, dont jump to her invites, dont answer her emails, text, smoke signals anything. She can communicate with kids or kid arrangements but thats all !!!!!!!!!!
You are just like my H and I treated him like your W treats you and you know what SP, when I decided that maybe H was not so bad after all - he had gone. He had had enough .So do your W a favour and back off. She might realise what she is losing and you are not going to continually be abused, to a point where you say enough.
Go dark for the families sake.
It is the one thing you have not tried. Believe me you will feel more sane.
interesting. it isn't every day that a divorce lawyer tells their client that the marriage could be saved. kinda like a carpet salesman telling someone they have beautiful hardwoods.
Because of the commitment I had to the marriage, my lawyer gave me the name of a counselor who worked wonders with contentious couples. The thoughtful gesture was greatly appreciated.
About the 'meet and greet'.. check your calendar, too. What's best for the gosling is best for the gander. And those lil critters need consistency, love and feeling safe.
Okay, lots of responses and no easy way to keep them straight and in view while also keyboarding into this little box.
* Wasn't clear on Cooking Night -- I'd spoken to WAW about letting the kids have the occasional Saturday nite as Cooking Nite. There's no actual "plan" with The Boy.
* Lines of communication -- with all due respect, @polly, I don't "do" closed-off and non-communicative. That's what got me in this mess. It just embitters WAW, and now that the Mouthpieces are in the game I'd rather not have an increasingly embittered WAW. Scorched-earth litigation isn't going to do The Wee Themselves a bit of good.
* @Thinker -- what did Telephone Coach Jody say? She said do outside activities, physical activities -- not that one!! -- fun family activities. Be the Love Boat's Julie of the family. Plan lots of good stuff with the kids and, from time to time, invite the WAS -- "if you want, we're going to the beach, I'm sure the kids would be thrilled to see you." But -- key -- if WAS says no, you must already be going anyway. Sitting-across-the-table is a DATE. It requires TALK. About.... after the menus are gone, almost inevitably YOU 'n' ME. So do OUTINGS.
* @Coach. I will have to brood upon this some more. WAW is not demanding an answer, but time is of the essence. In any event it is clearly a test of some sort, and the outing would be a test as well.
So I punted. (Or p*ssed out, as my brother would say.)
On reflection, I decided that "Saturday Night" carried too much psychological/emotional weight, particularly given the fact that (a) our second "first" MC session would be just 3 days later and (b) I will certainly have retained a lawyer by that point, and that lawyer will be lawyering, and that means money talk, and that always sends WAW off the deep end.
But, a la Coach, not wanting to forego the opportunity to mojolate, I asked if we might not have a lunch outing in lieu of "date night." This, I said, would have the additional benefit of saving (me) the money for a babysitter, ye olde Greenbacks being in rather short supply these days.
She hasn't responded, which I take to be a good sign, because when she's hugely vexed she replies instantaneously.
Meanwhile I had a fantastic Skype with Foreign Female Friend, whom I'm going to visit for a couple days en route to my European Business Meeting. It's been years and years since I've been to Teutonic Country, and since FFF lives there it should be a great opportunity to see the "local" places instead of the Europe In 20 Minutes A Day places. Whenever I travel I always find the places tourists don't go to be infinitely more rewarding than the obvious ones. So I have that to look forward to, plus we always have very nice conversations, and I always learn a lot from her, so it should prove to be a very welcome diversion from my normal mental state. And since she's going through the same kind of craziness that we all here are, it's a chance to pay-forward some of the great insights I've got from you all hereabouts.
