I'm so glad that you all had a good weekend. One here too. Hey Almost, Beginner is right. I asked my H what BRAND of coffee he wanted at the store one day and THAT was pressure. So see it really isn't us. LOL. Often the less said the better.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
On a side note--Mach--we have been at this about the same amount of time, this past week, when I talk to H, I have had this overwhelming desire to tell him "I love you". It just pops into my head and I have to bite my tongue to keep it from spilling out. Hasn't happened in a long time because I know I shouldn't. Any thoughts? Maybe I should add that I think I am finally watching him slide to the bottom. I have noticed that the replay behaviors have become practically zero in the last month or so and can see the depression setting in. I don't know if I should be relieved or not LOL. Just sitting on the side watching the rollercoaster go down and down and down.
Hey Cat,
Sorry for the delay, I usually am gone from here over the weekends.
This is a tough question, and the answer will ultimately have to be made by you. But, my thoughts are....
I think that every once in a while, you almost have to throw that out there...Yes, it is pressure, and guilt, and all the bad things that you are NOT supposed to do. Will this be the first anti-DB thing you have done ? Probably not...
Where he is in this process ? You will never know...and shouldn't focus on ....
Remember, the stages DO NOT go 1-2-3-4-5-6...
They can come and go and change at any time....
BUT....At some point in this, I do believe that the MLCer looks to the LBS for some kind of guidance through this. To be the example of what they need to do to pull through...
They will not ask, but they are watching you, very closely...and will look to see how YOU interact with people and things and situations...That's why your changes need to be real and for you....
I have thrown an ILY out there...and with mixed results depending on where she is on that day...I don't do it often, and won't do it too often, although I feel it daily.
I would say, if the timing is right, and it won't bring up a relationship talk started by you. Then throw it out there and see what happens. If it goes terrible ? Don't do it again.
Just make sure...and this is the most important thing...
Thanks for the reply and the reminders. Yes I know the stage jumping all too well. I am only so so comfortable even saying what I did about the replay because I know that could change at any second. It is more a matter of what I have been witnessing for a while now than anything else. With my H, the depression and anger have been there most of the time, which is hard to watch but what are you gonna do? And of course, I know anything could cause a change in direction.
No wouldn't be the first time I strayed from DB. I'm not so good at some of it. LOL. I too feel it daily but I had gotten past the desire to SAY it, and learning how to show it has been a monumental task. I have really had to go back to the beginning and examine what I did then because I definately stopped speaking his love language but I wasn't speaking my own either. If that makes any sense. So it really is a whole new world for me, especially since what used to come as second nature, has not been for a long long time, having nothing to do with MLC but from me because of preconcieved notions of what a mother should represent. This really is a journey for each of us in so many ways. Thanks for the reminders, we all need them. And no I never bring up R talks. That was one DB thing that has stuck for me.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi All I had one of those Blah Days. I hate them. I know better....but H has been so awesome lately and attentive despite a few attempts to be back in control, which I've, for the most part, let him have.....because I can see through that now. I guess I'm just in my own head. I HATE it. I worry he'll attempt to contact OW again or worse, she'll attempt to contact her. He has been distant today which is the root of my Blahs. And I know better.... ARRRRGGGGGGG!!! Tonight, I made dinner in the crock pot. I'm not much of a cook, one of my GALs is to learn how to do it better. So far, no sick tummies or trips to the emergency room and the kitchen is still in tact. Then we have our Business Meeting where we get all the logisticals out of the way. And then I have tennis at 7:00pm.
It's my birthday on Friday, so I'm off Thursday and Friday.
H is supposed to be taking me two hours west to a great beach where they have a PF Changs! We're just going for the day when he gets off. He gets off early so it should be fun. I hope.
I'm not much of a cook, one of my GALs is to learn how to do it better.
Look up Saving Dinner or Menu-Mailer online. This lady (Leanne Ely is her name) is a nutritionist who puts together tasty, healthy, easy-to-fix weekly menus, including shopping lists (which makes it super easy!), and you can get them in your email by subscription (it's really pretty cheap), and she has a book or two too. You can choose from various kinds of menus: vegetarian, low-carb, diabetic, frugal, freezer...she has all kinds of things to try. Put yourself on her mailing list and she will send out all kinds of tips and things for cooking, grocery shopping, managing your kitchen... She also has a free sample of the menus you would be getting, so you can try before buying. She's affiliated with Flylady, who I think anyone should check out if they have any trouble keeping up with their household chores!
And no, I don't get any kickbacks from either of them, but I think they have a great deal to offer, for a negligible amount of money (and a lot of what they offer is free!). Wow, I sound like a hokey commercial! But really, check them out and see for yourself. I hope that helps you!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Well Y'all... Today I got an email from H that pretty much was a "blueprint" (as my fellow DBer called it) as to what I need to do from H's perspective to save the marriage. He was very clear what he's working on, what his current issues are, etc. He was clear what he needs from me and what he's liked about me lately too.
It was very black and white.
Some of it made me want to scream "Are you kidding me?????" But the new me let it go and just concentrated on what I could use in the email and not the stuff that made me want to laugh.
So that's where I am now. Basically the plan is to back off, keep working on me, drop several particular topics and hope he keeps his promises about certain things he won't do anymore.
Wow, as long as he's not asking for anything too off the wall, it sounds pretty encouraging.
I'd love it if my H would just tell me what it is he needs, but I have a feeling I've addressed all of the things that were "wrong" with me...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Well, A, sounds like you have some very valuable info - use it wisely.
I'd say your plan to back off, keep working on you and to drop several particular topics is perfect.
I know you know that you should only make changes that you agree with and that you want to change about you.
He is trying to work through things here. His mind is swirling and he is thinking things over. Its best to let him do that.
I know you also know that it doesnt mean if you change all these things, your marriage will be ok. He just might keep adding to the list. But, there are a lot of positives going on.
Try really hard not to get hung up on the things he wrote. It is best to laugh off the ones that are ridiculous.
Now is the time to take the focus off of him. Try not to read into things and check to see if he notices the changes. This is about you right now. Let him deal with his own stuff.
In the email he basically explains he doesn't want to talk about things anymore, no more R talks. He was the one who started them, but I'll let it go and not mention "Hey but you were the one who would start most of them!" Not important. He said he knows I'm not happy about some of the crap he's pulled. True. He said he's seen the changes but point blank says he's not sure they are real and wants to make sure they stick. Legitimate concern. He said he's had a great time with me in recent days and is looking forward to taking me out for my birthday and he's been very happy spending time with me. He said he's always loved sleeping in bed with me at night, and no mention of our sex life, which I'll be honest I know has a lot to do with him not leaving entirely. He said that he loves to snuggle and now that he's brought it to my attention how much he missed it, I've done a great job snuggling. A nice thing to read/hear. But he said it's time to bury some topics, some things that have happened and let them go. He literally mentioned burying them outside in our back yard in a box and never talking about them again. He also said OW was the worst person he's ever met and wants nothing to do with her in any circumstance. That was really great to read/hear.
So basically he gave me a "blueprint" of what he needs now. He said nothing of what other changes he needs from me really except we need to stop talking about certain things and people (he was very specific so I am not confused) and move forward slowly. For both our sakes.
But really, check them out and see for yourself. I hope that helps you!