~ My story ~

[Distracted1978]

Glad you got the books. They're key. Also I recommend The Five Love Languages, which is a little like Men are From Mars but talks about how each of us gives and receives love differently, regardless of gender.

Some folks LOVE gifts, getting or giving and for some, quality time together, or affection or acts of service, etc and so, if you give your love one way you might "expect" it to be given back the same way and you may have turned away from love that was coming to you, b/c you didn't see it as love. Same goes for him and for ALL of us.

I know many of us have turned away from love b/c it wasn't wrapped the way we thought it should be, so The Five Love Languages may cover a lot of good information for you as well.

Don't sweat the small stuff. You both will need to do a lot of forgiving and that means letting go of the past or you will NOT be able to stay married. Read that sentence again. You don't have the same scorecards and you will NEVER see your marriage and its' history exactly the same way...

So forget about that, and make the goal in reconciling, agreeing on today and what's next...for NOW, you have to work on you and the terms in the DB books like GAL (= getting a life) will mean a lot more to you once you have read teh books.

So, you now have a plan. Good luck!!

(( j ))

PS note my signature block--forgiveness doesn't mean what you or he did was okay. It just frees YOU so you can move forward. OTherwise you could both be consumed by your anger, both "lose" out, and take your kids down with you. So learn about forgivenss b/c I never saw it in my parent's marriage, and it is a learned skill. Seriously....not easy, but essential. No long term marriage makes it without some serious letting go of the past, which you won't totally agree on anyhow...

So read the books, GAL, and start focusing a lot on your kids b/c they must be really needing you now.
questions:
How old are they? What if anything have you told them? What does your h SAY he wants now, if anything? Has anyone seen a lawyer, to your knowledge? This info helps us help you...take care,
J-

[Distracted1978]

Thank you. I started reading last night & found a lot of meaning in just the introduction of the DB book! All I can say is WOW!

To answer 25yearsmlc:

How old are they? What if anything have you told them? What does your h SAY he wants now, if anything? Has anyone seen a lawyer, to your knowledge?


The kids are 13, 8, 7 (my girls), 5 (step son), & 18 months (our son). We sat them down before he moved out and tried our best to explain to them that we were having issues & needed a bit of a break from each other. It was a lot better than it may come off here.

My H says he wants to come home, he insists that he does. His behavior is contradicting his words however. I'm not really sure how to take that.

I have not seen an attorney & he is adimant that he hasn't either.

H is gone out of town for the next 3 days on business so I'm hoping this is a break from reality that we both desperately need!

[WCW]

Add a couple more books to your list to read - The Benefits of Staying Married and Stop Blaming Start Loving.

My H says he wants to come home, he insists that he does. His behavior is contradicting his words however. I'm not really sure how to take that.

Let him know that actions speak louder than words. Regardless of what he says, are you still sure you're done and don't want him back home?

Those reality breaks are wonderful! Enjoy!

[Distracted1978]

WCW, thanks for the book suggestion. With 4 kids & working 50 hrs a week it will take me a small eternity to get through all these! LOL

Anyway, I'm not 100% positive that I don't want to reconcile, honestly. I sure was a week ago, but after giving myself some "cool down" time I'm thinking differently.

I just don't want to run back to him & bail again or vice/versa.

How do I handle these feelings? This morning I honestly felt like I would take off work & high tail it to ATL & find him & tell him that I love him & that I know we are making a HUGE mistake.....but what if he turned me away again? Or said he was with someone else now?

See where I get my name...DISTRACTED? I think WAY too much!

[25yearsmlc]

While it's nice to hear that your h wants back in the house, he is rushing things a bit. Like a lot. You both have a lot of personal work to do and It sounds as if you both have made very impulsive, destructive choices in the past. Take your time, b/c this is too important to rush. Tell him it's out of respect for the M, and the new way of treating it, that you want to really figure things out right. And if it seems like it's almost TOO SLOW for you, then slow it down some more. Rushing back together without any growth or insight, will be repeating the same behavior but expecting different results, which is the definition of insanity.

WCW, thanks for the book suggestion. With 4 kids & working 50 hrs a week it will take me a small eternity to get through all these! LOL

You may need to "schedule" couple time, just like the rest of us or it won't just happen. Your kids are at high needs times and all couples feel some distancing from each other at this phase. Read those books and find out that this IS normally a rough time in most successful marriages. But you weather the storm, standing in the doorframe til it passes...and you find each other again.

Anyway, I'm not 100% positive that I don't want to reconcile, honestly. I sure was a week ago, but after giving myself some "cool down" time I'm thinking differently.

Obviously you are NOT sure of it either way. You are confused. But You don't have to choose or have your life figured out by wednesday at 6 pm...learn, grow, figure things out.

I just don't want to run back to him & bail again or vice/versa.

That's a Good sign...do NOT rush this.

How do I handle these feelings? This morning I honestly felt like I would take off work & high tail it to ATL & find him & tell him that I love him & that I know we are making a HUGE mistake.....but what if he turned me away again? Or said he was with someone else now?

3 things---First off, you are not really in a position to make a choice as you admit only a few sentences ago. Your emotions are running wildly from one extreme to the other so you cannot and should not act on any of them for now...good grief. Second-- we all have to weather some storms in marriage. Your 4 kids at their ages is a tough time for all couples. So you need to know that no couple alwawys has smooth times. I have known two couples (the wives) tell me "we never fight" about their marriages and I kid you not, both had their husbands leave them...Conflict is not the problem, b/c some couples get more thrown at them in life. What matters is how you handle that conflict or challenge. 3-- But if you reflect and grow and choose to try again with him, AND this presumes you have studied and reflected and gotten counselling and THEN made this careful choice, ....WELL assuming ALL That.. when it comes time to take the risk to put your heart out there, and lay it on the line, and you said to him to 'take a chance, like you'd be willing to do, b/c you think you two are worth it, and the kids are, and he says "no thanks", so what?

If he says "no, I'm too angry to forgive, or there's OW, or too much water under the bridge, or we are too different or whatever", and you have worked to become the best woman you can be, -Which is a woman only a fool would leave and he still says no, then either he is a fool, or he is not the man for you and you'll have to trust that the universe (or God) has something even better waiting for you around the corner. And you can say "I respect and accept that choice, & I hope you find what you are looking for, and will always encourage your R with the kids..." [b]and leave with your head held high. There are no guarantees for any of us. If he says YES, there are no guarantees either. You barely know what you want yet you want him to have all the clarity? Come on put the pride aside and start working on you. ANd no, when I say put pride aside it does not mean be a doormat. It means setting and enforcing healthy boundaries on both ends and lots and lots of respect on both ends. Even when he "doesn't deserve it"....remember,
The goal is to demonstrate that you WILL NOT HAVE THE SAME MARITAL PROBLEMS AGAIN and this goal, is a must come true thing.

See where I get my name...DISTRACTED? I think WAY too much!

You "feel" a lot and you react to the feelings. Do more thinking and reflecting and much less feeling and reacting to them, and see if that helps. Think things through more too. Like the affair.

One time long ago, I seriously considered having one. I had lots of rationalizations (which I referred to as "good reasons!) and all that. But i had a good friend and good c and minister, etc. What helped the most was really thinking it out. "Okay, so I have an affair. Either I actually "fall" in love with OM and go off with him, or it fizzles out and I just had a fling and committed adultery which means I will have broken vows I took in Church, to God and h and in front of my family and friends and for a fling, that's a big ass thing to do...so back to the "what if I fall in love" scenario, which is where I thought I was headed...(in retrospect it's amazing that I thought I felt love for OM b/c we have nothing in common but there was a war, it was crazy and intense and blah blah blah) SO, I'd have to go to my h (of 9 years then) and my little kids and tell them that I was leaving their daddy, -he'd cry- they would cry, and I would cry and die inside...so not worth it. So before it got too carried away and ruined countless lives, I stopped myself and thank GOD for that. But if you really think these things out, they're rarely RARELY worth it. If your marriage sucks enough that an affair IS worth it, get a divorce and be honest about it. I"m not condemning you-I'm talking about putting a lot more thought into your actions BEFORE you take them....make sense?

Gotta go, good luck, you are in the right place. When can you see a c? can you make a phone appt with a DB coach? I know money is tight, join the club. But this is not as expensive as divorce is, trust me on that...of all the things I did to help us and myself out to get thru this, my DB coaching was the single best thing I did. It clarifies a lot. And you need major clarity.

Slow down, take a breath...and keep reading the stuff you have, keep posting and don't obsess about your h too much. Try reading some of CG's posts about thought stopping, which helps focus and detach and not get so uptight. When you operate in fear and hyperactivity, you are not operating in faith and you are not really present for your kids....they really need you now.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

how's it going?
j-

[Distracted1978]

I've continued reading & being sociable w/ H. Things seem to be looking up I think he is using the "last resort" technique on me though... I feel like I really need to step it up so it's not too late...but I like the pace I'm moving right now...

Let me know what you think

[25yearsmlc]

Dear D78

I'm confused. You contradicted yourself. You are mind reading or something about what you think he's doing but i can't say if that's true since you gave no examples of what he's doing to make you believe he's doing the last resort tech and ALSO, what is YOUR understanding of what LRT means? ( I'm curious about your definition b/c I saw a disagreement on another post so there's some confusion).

I really want to help but then you also said you hope you are not too late and need to step it up...BUT then that you like the pace you are going...so wth?

Which is it?

Don't do or say something to please me or misrepresent b/c you think you'll offend. Just say what's going on so we can best assess and help.

It's your life. We're all here b/c we've all had rough patches. Very rough. Some get back together and some don't but there are people who can benefit you regardless of their m's outcome and you have to pick and choose whom to follow, and separate the chaff from the wheat about what best fits your situation. Keep Reading the Books you got please....you will learn a lot.

The simplest thing to do is remember this: even when you think you are "right" about something, (and maybe you really really ARE) ask yourself whether your approach is helping get you somewhere? In short, Is it working?
Sounds so easy but I was angry at my h for years when he would work late as I saw it as choosing work over family. And I did have a point sometimes. But instead of whining or nagging or being sarcastic when he arrived home, which NEVER worked and upset or escalted the tension for EVERYONE, why didn't I change ME? Why not welcome him home to a house of warmth, love and acceptance? Oh, b/c he was "wrong" to do the extra work to impress a colleague? Well, maybe. But he didn't stop doing that with MY approach, and I cannot go back in time to get those years back now. I mean, What if I had changed ME, and what if he then had come home earlier half again more? That would have meant a lot to me then, and maybe I'd have changed even more towards him and maybe that would have begotten more change and movement in him, and me and "US" towards each other and GOd knows the kids would have seen LESS fighting which would have been such a good good thing....but I was SO SURE I WAS RIGHT TO BE ANGRY and even now, when I think of it, I see my logic!! I feared that welcoming him home when he was late would "reward" his "selfish" behavior and he'd take me for granted...but he didn't want to come home to a shrill shrew and that's what I became at times....granted, it was long before his MLC and all, but still those years are gone.

Today I shake my head and say "so what if I was RIGHT? My approach did nothing good!! Doesn't that put at least SOME of the blame on ME? The answer is...YES it does...so learn from my mistakes. I'm lucky to get a do over in this regard.

For instance, If you have justifiably nagged/complained about something he does, for YEARS, and STILL DOES then you need to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT why is it we women tend to simply get louder and more shrill instead of changing our behavior?

Decide if the behavior REALLY IS a deal breaker and do a lot of reflecting and praying on that question FIRST...b/c a lot of stuff is small stuff and you can tell your h 2-3 times you don't like it but if keeps it up, drop it if it isn't a deal breaker. Sure you can harbor a grudge if that's your choice but it's far better to cut him slack on ALL the small stuff...life IS short..

So you can decide not to care, or decide IT DOES matter A LOT TO YOU and so you change the behavior of YOURS to get a change in him and if that does not work then you have to leave him, etc etc. Point being, don't keep on doing what does NOT work. LIfe is too short to keep rehashing crap from the past.

You won't see things from the past the same way so don't keep harping, and any good mc will tell you to "Lose the scorecards" and start from NOW...going forward and see if you both want the same things AND what you will DO differently to get those things. Don't repeat the poor behavior just b/c you make up after fights well. Know what I mean?

It's a hell of a thing to teach your kids and a lousy way to live together, especially when it can be so much deeper...
here's a question? Have you felt DEEPLY in love with any man and if so, for how long? Just curious.
good luck and give some specifics so we can help you....

(( hugs ))
J-

[WCW]

I've continued reading & being sociable w/ H. Things seem to be looking up I think he is using the "last resort" technique on me though... I feel like I really need to step it up so it's not too late...but I like the pace I'm moving right now...

Let me know what you think

I think I understand! You're all over the place with feelings and emotions. Each day, each hour, swings a different direction. For you at this point that might not even be bad! It is better than the "I am done" you had last week.

It takes time to find the right path, to find what works, to gain momentum. There will still be backslides.

180's are great, but don't 180 into someone you can't be.

Find a balance between not too late and the pace you need for yourself to be true.

[Distracted1978]

I've found myself looking for another job (my om is @ my current job) & b/c I think it's best for me. Also, this was a request of my H previously. I see now the "why" of it. It's not b/c he asked me to, it's respect for his feelings.

The reason I think he's trying the last resort technique is b/c he seen my book in my work bag. I seen him notice it but did not say anything. Later, he said something to the affect of "I've tried all but the last resort with you".....

I did mention to him that I had received a couple of calls for positions I'd applied for & he seemed genuinely interested in my search. He didn't ask why or how, just showed a spark.

I had a little drag back last night when I received a message from his OW....he hasn't been seeing her @ all & has stated that he broke all ties, but she is trying to drum up trouble....

I'm letting it go. I'm not sure that I should even mention it. I would so he could see a little jealousy in me, but I also don't want to b/c I'm afraid that it will seem that I''m trying to "snoop" even though I didn't initiate or reciprocate her correspondence.

Hope this clarifies a few things....