I`m still not sure if H in an affair or not. He`s giving me NO reason to trust him-phone switched off/on silent/on his person all the time.
Disappears for hours just saying "I`m going into town". Goes for walks on his own(something he NEVER did before) caught him on his mobile yesterday but he pretended he was rubbing his neck and looked as guilty as hell when I drove by.Spending money like new time on himself. Yes, OUR money.
He had a fling with a co worker 18mths ago. So, yeah, previous history goes against him.
Just taking note of it here. Confronted him yesterday(gently, I don`t attack like I used to in the past) and he admitted that he lies all the time. That lying is second nature to him and that he`ll lie sooner than tell the truth. Big lies, little lies, at work, at his football club, to family anyone.
That bothers me as much as the possibility of him having an A bothers me. Basically there`s no trust there at all.
I listened to his confession and just looked stright into his eyes and thought Who the heck are you. I didn`t DB enough-I was just too shocked. But last night I did send him a text thanking him for his honesty in our conversation(oh, the irony of it!) acknowledging that it was a difficult thing to do,wishing him a good night out with his brothers and telling him to stay over esp if he`d been drinking.
Didn`t get any acknowledgement of that text. Yeah, I know its not LRT to text but I`m LRTing for the last 3 months and it`s a 180 for me to send a text like that at this stage.
My family think I`m nuts to even bother with H.
His mother rang me last night to see how things were.(she knows we`re having trouble but doesn`t know the half of it, H told her) I just told her her guess was as good as mine and switched subject.A couple of his brothers visited at the weekend. Hadn`t seen them for a few months and, although they know about our troubles, it didn`t come up for discussion but I reckon they`re as puzzled about H as I am.
DS11 has been asking questions lately-Are you and Dad going to get a divorce? Does Dad love you any more? You and Dad argued like that once(Phew, he only heard us once!)
I know he`s puzzling it all out too and I`m trying to be with him through this though I won`t lie and pretend we`re in a rosy garden. Wish I could give him more security about our future as a family. Its something I fret about a lot.
It all feels very much like someone cutting off one of my limbs very slowly, stopping and starting again, stiching it up, then sawing again.
Very wearing.
Can`t help thinking I might be better off to have him out of the house.
Ok, just taking note of all that here-don`t need a response. I`m praying every day, going off to my special place to meditate, going to my wonderful therapist(though she`s on hols this week, damn!). Confiding in the real world just down to two people, my sis and a very dear GF who`s been through her own marital wars, has come out the other end with marriage intact and is hugely supportive of my DBing efforts.
At this stage since LRT is going stale I probably need a whole new set of 180s. and a whole new Last Resort Technique!
Fallgirl, It appears that your h is having some type of communication w/someone. It could be an EA versus a PA, but whatever it is, he's guilty as heck about it. He's making up too many excuses to take walks, go into town, etc. He's actually following the script a bit here because most of them do this in the beginning and then gradually pick up the pace.
As for your money, please find a way to protect your assets. It sounds like he's about to board the Mother Ship full time. Once the spending starts, the money will be gone in no time.
Lying is part of the script as well. You will not be able to believe a thing he says and you will need to learn to listen very closely and sift the words through the sifter and discover the true meaning of what he is saying.
You will now need to be the strong parent and be there for your child. It's going to be a long and winding journey for bothy you and you family. I'm very sorry to see you here. The best advice any of us can give you is to protect your assets, be there for you child, take care of yourself and find a way to go on w/your life as if he's not there. If you allow him to suck you into his drama, it will only drive you insane. Can you look at him and think of him as a tenant for a while? Your h is no longer the man you knew, he's become that teenager he should have been many years ago.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H doesn`t want to discuss finance. He`s insisting on us continuing to keep our accounts as they are-most of savings in his name-while requesting that I pick up more bills! Crazy stuff.I`ve stood my ground on the picking up more bills issue. Just waiting for another window to insist that we change to paying into joint acc for household stuff, and fixed bills and also looking fro more transparency from him re receipts etc. He never leaves receipts around and managed to have cash only transactions for his recent trip away.
All I can do re A is keep tabs-a simple diary of his absences to build up a pattern.
He has an online email address and cell phone bill goes to work so no joy there.
Spying on him will only dribve me crazy though. I don`t want to be the angry wife at home. Want to keep things light around here as,believe me we`ve had enough of the heavy stuff already. At this stage I just begin to shake if we have a confrontation.
If he is in an A, it can`t be much of one as he is incapable of having much of a relationship with anyone, least of all himself at this moment. There`s no depth no him right now-just intense anger/sadness.
I`ve been the strong parent fro my three kids right from the begining. I`m really minding myself, don`t you worry, I really got the hang of that after a lot of ill health prior to Xmas and in lots of ways I`m building myself into the kind of wife H always wanted-looking good(too important to him!) light hearted, doing fun things, enjoying a reasonable social life and just ignoring his humours.
I`ve always wondered though if he needs the actual boot out the door to make him realise what a mess he`s making of his life.
And yes, I`m very mindful of not getting sucked into his drama. Kicking him out of here is one sure way to do that.
Kicking back with a glass of wine and reflecting on things(another 180 for me-before this I would have jumped down H`s throat without engaging my brain prior to action).
H overnighted last night-sent a text to say so, which is a change for him. Hasn`t turned up or texted since so I can only hope he`s still with his brothers.
And if he`s not, so what? Me losing my marbles will just make things worse. If he`s in an A he`s not waving it in my face so that must mean that he`s not prepared to lose me either. Anyway confronting him is just going to drive it further underground and push him away in the process. Far better if he doesn`t realise how suspicious I am.
I kept busy all day. Took the kids to church, and off to a new playground after, cooked a great lunch for us all, then mowed the lawn(my workout for the day!).
We`re going to watch a DVD shortly and I`ll whip around and get things tidied up before H gets back.
I`m dressed to the nines, as I`d promised myself, with new wedges I know H will love and nicely co ordinated outfit. Gotta lay off the crisps(chips) now though as I don`t want to let those changes slide either.
Having H`s family around this weekend reminded me of how much I`ll miss them if we break up. They`re great fun and I`d hate to be on the periphery of that. I even almost miss MIL!
Oh dear! Here I go again-wanting to stay married one minute and determined to kick him out the next.
I`d expected that H has stayed with his siblings after their big night out and like half the nation, were following the golf on TV. But H came back just before the golf ended. Hadn`t seen it at all and siad he`d spent the day on his own in the city.
Yeah, right.
But I didn`t question him. Just asked if he`d eaten as there was steak in the fridge but he said he had.
Didn`t say why he stayed away so long and I can only imagine that since he`d been drinking with his brothers the night before wandering about on your own aimlessly in a city is the last thing you`d want to do with a hangover.
If you were on you own, that is.
His mood was foul.Snippy,sarcastic,short with the kids. I just kept out of it. Finished clearing dishes and mentioned that a neighbour he knew had died.That took him out of his snippyness a bit. I left the room then and went to watch a dvd with the kids leaving H to his own devices.
He slept in the guestroom. Sheets unchanged from our week end guests. Ugh!But that`s his choice. Slightly chipper mood this morning and, thank God, and the angels above, he`s back to work today after 2 weeks off. Yippee!!
He met me this am relaxed in my bathrobe. I have his mood thing off pat now-I don`t look afraid/angry/upset/sad. Just nonchalant and cool.Any other look just flips him into thick mode.
But I`m not entirely stupid. I`m going through rake through bank records this week and be ready for that window of sanity he might get so we can change the way the finances are set up.
I`d say H got an earful from his brother this weekend and that`s why he`s thick. I`m trying to spot the cycles and reasons here but a part of me is really wonders why the heck an I bothering any more.
Naughty or just back in the fog or both? Yes, he`s treating me badly. I`ve only one trick left to play yet and that is to boot him out the door. Want to be really ready before I deal that hand though.
I like the way you are thinking through everything. Booting him seems hard, but it might be the only way that he is going to see that his actions really do have consequences, and for you to get the space to keep from going crazy. But you sure don't want to rush into it.
His stories are getting harder to believe, I think.
