~ My story ~

[Distracted1978]

Maybe I should have simply stated that he's a CONTROL FREAK!!!
I had to ask before purchasing anything, even clothes for the kids for school. Anytime I wanted to buy new clothes for myself he'd take me to my closet and ask why I needed them when I already had plenty.... I'm not a shopaholic BTW I may shop 2x a year and spend a couple hundred $.....

[Distracted1978]

Well the bday party went well. He was nice but not overly.... Seemed to be in a hurry so we only spent 1 1/2 hrs there.

My sister-in-law called tonight & told me that he called mad after the party & was saying that if I wanted a D then I would have to file...also he had his other son for the party & he was crying to stay the night but H wouldn't let him??? I know he loves his children deeply but I also think he's doing the same selfish acts I was when it was me. I hope this mess makes sense. I took our kids to the pool today & sent him a pic of our son playing & all he said was "looks like he's having fun".

I honestly don't understand. If he wants to DB then why is he so distant? I think if it were me I'd be there no matter what.

I guess I see the signs b/c of what I done & know that I should face my truth..... He's just so indecisive all the time. tells one thing, shows another... Maybe I did this to him...,

[mac-ct]

Hi Distracted,

Gee-whiz you don't half type a lot

Here's my 2c. You say he's a control freak about money and indecisive. I am not going to defend him with my next statement. I'm just going to tell you a little about myself and see if anything clicks with your sitch.

I was also considered (still am by W?) to be money mad. What I saw at the time was being careful. Times are tough. I thought I was doing a great job because no money = no life. Not true but you get the idea. My W says she had to ask for everything - also not true from my perspective but it was from hers. Get what I'm trying to say?

The indecisiveness bit could be that he's thinking about a gazzilion things at once (just like you) and not being able to concentrate on the important ones. Blokes are no good at multi-tasking - you girls are (lucky you).

You are not responsible for this. This is maybe why you feel him to be so distant. He's trying to process.

The part about who should actually file gives me hope. It doesn't look like either of you want this to happen. The plan now is how to move on to breathing a bit more life back into the M.

Any ideas from your side with the steps you would like to take and the response's you'd like to see?

Chin up - wonderful day is on the way to you and yours.

Mac

[Kevin MT]

[quote=Distracted1978]... I said I didn't care where he was I just wanted to know he was safe. He PERSISTED numerous times that he was there & so on as if he was guilty (I know b/c been there, done that).

He later told me that he'd woke up early & decided to go out & have breakfast before work...... LIE MUCH?!
quote]

It sounds like you didn't call him out on his lie this time? If you didn't I think that is probably wise. If you did I think it's understandable. It's exactly like what has been said (IMHO) - this marriage has to be a NEW marriage based on trust. I think calling him out on this particular lie would have been a big fight happening, but maybe in a few days/weeks you can have a conversation with him about this. Draw a boundary - NO LIES! Hold him accountable to this. And honestly - if you can't stop lying or doesn't think he should have to abide by this ultimatum, you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who has that strong affinity to get out of trouble with a lie.

[WCW]

D78, are you expecting someone else to make you a happy person? It doesn't work that way. You are making a list of what H did or didn't do for you. No housekeeper, you can't shop, he's a control freak.

Money is no problem? then when you went back to work you should have reminded him of a housekeeper, set a time frame, and then proceeded to hire one. Instead, you sit back and let the resentment build up between you, you drifted away and turned outside the M.

What happened to end your first M?

If you're done as you say, then be done. Why are you not filing? What are your legal rights in your state?

I am not encouraging you to file, I don't think you've tried to work on having an R with your H.

What things are you doing to GAL? to find things to smile about? What are you doing to find your own happiness that does not involve another male?

Search to be your own happy person, more will follow.

BTW, I am not a shopper, I hate it but even I need to shop more than you say you have. And you have kids to shop for too!

[Distracted1978]

I suppose I went waaaaayyyy off the deep end.
I'm sorry for divuldging so much frantic info v/s the basic, important info.

I've been going through this for a long time by myself.

[25yearsmlc]

Ds78,

Please don't take offense, but Have you actually read the Divorce Remedy or Div Busted books? They'll help you a lot. You lack clarity and that's an understatement.

This man is 28 and has 5 kids...is that correct? I thought he had 2, and are you both in 2nd M's and you both have had affairs and you are both under 30? Seems Neither one of you can be "single" for long as you both apparently have the "need" to be with someone...but as a couple, you have either a connection or chemistry or love (not sure about that) with this man yet you both lack essential tools to make a real marriage. And you both have some serious dysfunctional stuff going on.

C or T is a must for both of you. Issues like the housekeeper and spending are more about trust and power as far as I can tell b/c you have much much bigger problems...

I recommend you read the DB books and make an appointment with a DB coach at least once.

You really need clarity b/c I can't tell if you want us to tell you that you are "less wrong" than him, or how to dump him, or how to change him or what...

But all you can control is YOU. (That concept is MANDATORY to understand and accept or you will lose your focus....so tell yourself that every hour if you have to. And try the Serenity Prayer too). And your children are watching you both so much more than you realize...set a good example. Work on yourself for yourself, not as a tactic and see a M or T asap. Marriage counselling is a great idea but seems to me, imho, that you both need it as individuals in a big way and probably cannot make the M work without fixing whatever is in you that creates and perpetuates such destructive behavior.

You found this site. Now find the books and read and calm down some. Instead of writing and hoping for easy answers for there are NONE, please, breathe, read, talk to someone who knows about M and listen to them.

Your timelines are amazingly short lived. You had a nice trip to Vegas and "felt love" for him but oops, it faded so you wanted a divorce. Here's a 2 x 4 so put a helmet on.

You sound as if you "fell out of love" as if there was NO choice or responsibilty OR COMMITTMENT involved. You don't sound mature at all with this but as if you give in to every emotional up and down... But marriage IS a committment and a series of choices you make every day. Like choosing to be polite, to hold your tongue sometimes, to NOT cheat, to keep on loving and to try and see your h as God sees him. Flawed and all....and though my M has by no means been perfect, it was once very very good, but hey, I came here to this site for a reason! We've had rough patches, but we've been M for 28 years and as far as I know, it's been a marriage of fidelity despite the stormy times.
I came here in '06 and we are NOW reconciled and piecing back...but in those 3 years I did not date and as far as I know, neither did my h. It's not mandatory to have a lover just b/c your spouse is out of town or "AWOL" and btw, we were in the military too. Both of us. Each had long times apart and I never cheated and I was one of 9 women in a unit of 2000 men. I just didn't let those thoughts enter my mind, let alone stay. Sure, once upon a time I thought of an affair but I thought it all out too. NOT WORTH IT...
Try reading this little article, as a start so you can see where most of us are coming from, OR TRYING TO... and see if it helps....it's about Valentines' Day and passion in a marriage..and the whole "falling in love" myth. It's something written in response to a question about Passion in Marriage...

(Valentine's Day)

You asked about how fast passion dissipates in a marriage, and mentioned a semi-scientific study that claims passion fades after less than two years.

Two themes come to mind. First, the whole "fire sizzles out" after a year or two, may be a statistical commonality. Certainly, the newness of a lover or friend, fades in any relationship. But it does not do justice to the many marriages that have passion (in some form), long after that.

Second, marriage and our emotions are like the sea; there is an ebb and a flow. I have "fallen" out of love with my husband in the past, and "fallen" back in love with him later. I knew love was at least partly a choice, and had faith that I just needed to stand in the "heart's doorframe" waiting for the storm to pass....and it did. The "ebb" subsided and the "flow of the tide" returned.

So even if someone feels the "fire is out", it could be that the embers are covered by a stressful situation, or years of neglect, and can be restored, or the fire did die, but can be restarted with the right fire starting 'tools", etc.

Some "waves" of emotions go both ways and sometimes we have to wait them out. That's not really a Divorce Busting issue, b/c people in that place usually have bigger things on their minds/hearts. But I don't put much stock into the over simplified "passion fizzles out after 2 years, and that's just that" belief system. It's not that simple. Or true. And it rationalizes laziness.

I recall an older professor in college who told me that after 30 years, his marriage had "less fire, but more passion" than before, and that it showed in other ways. He said as a young man, even holding hands was all about sex. Now, he said, it's about "a deep and lasting" love; he said that making love became an apex reaffirming the bonded structure of their marriage and life they built, and his commitment to her, and he said he found simple physical gestures of affection far more erotic and romantic. His wife seemed to agree.

So did I, although I didn't understand that the way I do now. Today, when I see a married couple who has "gone thru the fire" that life and time bring, taking a walk holding hands, it means far more than it could mean in our 20's. Imagine when we're 80?


SEEING OUR SPOUSES THROUGH "ANOTHER'S" EYES
by J-

There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in total stark reality, without the passion of the new. They see their partner totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, strengths, quirks, warts and all, and in that time, they make a choice.

They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed, no faults of weight allowed, only minor ones. Those spouses choose to leave.

Others choose to stay, but only to make the other one cave in to their will, to nag, cajole, critisize, and "be proven RIGHT"... until one of them finally dies.

And some choose to stay, but to sigh deeply for their whole lives, rolling their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as.

And then, there are others. There are those who see the realities of their spouse - along with their own many faults - in stark light too.

Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to love. They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and admire it, and to strongly favor it. As for the bad, and "not so good", they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, forgive, or work around that....for they try their hardest to achieve the real goal of a loving marriage; to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes.

The End

The Laws Of Marriage

Show a thoughtful act of kindness
Hold your tongue, say nothing negative
Invest in what's important
for what's important is where you invest

j-

[WCW]

D78, sorry if it all seems so harsh but your sitch does have some twists that make it more unique than others. That and I've never been good at all the mushy gushy sweetie pie stuff but I do throw in some hugs now and then.

How are the kids taking all this? do they understand what is happening?

Reach inside of you, start with the basics of what you want and how you want your life to be. Would your life be better with or without your H? What about the kids? What makes their lives better?

What happened to end your first M?

I'm sorry you've been going thru this by yourself. I know how tough that is, I've not confided in my family or friends about my sitch with my H during all these years. It doesn't mean they're blind to everything but I haven't spilled the whole story.

(((D78)))

[Distracted1978]

The basic truth is my H is the typical "I'm the man" man.
My parents had a TERRIBLE marriage & I've always said when I get married, it will be forever. I honestly believed that. I never married till my H, had children, but not marriage.

When I married my H I put everything out there. Did things I didn't want to do to please him even if it meant I would be unhappy or unfulfilled. I didn't care, I wanted him & my children to be happy....mainly him.

That's where the mistakes began....

The reason the Vegas trip meant so much was that it was us & only us. He was SO into ME for the 1st time! I'm very vocal so I'd been voicing my issues with our M for a long time only to realize my words were falling on deaf ears.

My H done a 180 when I said I wanted out. He came here for support. He came to me, but I turned him away. I was so angry. He hung on for a few months of "co-existing" & then moved out in March.

My 180 came later, in May. I never did anything from March to May as far as concerning myself with him. I was self-absorbed with my new found freedom of "him"...

There's been much turmoil since then which I listed in my original post.

I went & bought 2 of Michelle's books today. DB & DR, I also picked up men are from mars - women are from venus.

I'm going to really study myself for awhile. I won't approach my H again until I know without a doubt what I want.

Thanks : )

[25yearsmlc]

Glad you got the books. They're key. Also I recommend The Five Love Languages, which is a little like Men are From Mars but talks about how each of us gives and receives love differently, regardless of gender.

Some folks LOVE gifts, getting or giving and for some, quality time together, or affection or acts of service, etc and so, if you give your love one way you might "expect" it to be given back the same way and you may have turned away from love that was coming to you, b/c you didn't see it as love. Same goes for him and for ALL of us.

I know many of us have turned away from love b/c it wasn't wrapped the way we thought it should be, so The Five Love Languages may cover a lot of good information for you as well.

Don't sweat the small stuff. You both will need to do a lot of forgiving and that means letting go of the past or you will NOT be able to stay married. Read that sentence again. You don't have the same scorecards and you will NEVER see your marriage and its' history exactly the same way...

So forget about that, and make the goal in reconciling, agreeing on today and what's next...for NOW, you have to work on you and the terms in the DB books like GAL (= getting a life) will mean a lot more to you once you have read teh books.

So, you now have a plan. Good luck!!

(( j ))

PS note my signature block--forgiveness doesn't mean what you or he did was okay. It just frees YOU so you can move forward. OTherwise you could both be consumed by your anger, both "lose" out, and take your kids down with you. So learn about forgivenss b/c I never saw it in my parent's marriage, and it is a learned skill. Seriously....not easy, but essential. No long term marriage makes it without some serious letting go of the past, which you won't totally agree on anyhow...

So read the books, GAL, and start focusing a lot on your kids b/c they must be really needing you now.
questions:
How old are they? What if anything have you told them? What does your h SAY he wants now, if anything? Has anyone seen a lawyer, to your knowledge? This info helps us help you...take care,
J-