I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[orangedog]

You can do it.

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Be sure to keep communicating w/ dr about dosage and AD's. It took me a while to find the right kind and dosage. Remember too, that it's only one part of the solution. As you say, "ready to move on, GAL, and embrace life again" is the part you make for yourself.

Try doing some little things to treat yourself and make your environment rich. I did things for myself like buying some new shirts, chocolate, new sheets, books. Easy stuff to do but it works.

[beepee]

thanks orangedog, i definitely dont see my ADs as a magical pill, i know its not but i think it would be a bit easier for me to begin to get better when my depression isnt so severe.

i will do everything to try and treat myself with the little money i have!! i would love to get new sheets! thats something i will get once i move out of my parents. chocolates would be nice too but im trying to lose weight! maybe a piece of dark chocolate here and there

journaling:

so up and feeling somewhat ok, not totally bad like other mornings. horrible headache from all the crying yesterday though, have to find some pain killers or something cause its really pounding. maybe thatll prevent me from crying next time, keep telling myself that the headache that comes after is not good!!

so i have my IC appt today at 1pm, excited to go and talk a bit. she wants to teach me how to control my anxiety today which is good but i also want to talk about DB. we'll see. i am really thinking about going to a MC but i dont know it theres any point or if its even possible? to go by myself when the H doesnt want any part of it? i feel like if i go to see a MC who is pro-marriage, they can help point me in the right direction.

my H emailed me last night and said that MC would be a step backwards for us and it wouldnt help one bit. i really disagree and it makes me sad. i dont understand how it can be a step backwards for us? what have we got to lose if we were to just try, we dont have anything to lose but we have so much to gain if it were to work. its just too early to give up, we havent even been married for 3 years (anniversary coming up sept 25th). i just wish he would just agree and give it that one last chance you know? im not asking him to do it now AT ALL. i know there are so many things we both need to work on and i know its really good for us to be apart now but if only he would agree to it later on whenever things calm down. sigh.

im so scared of losing him. i know i need to work on myself, theres so much work i have ahead of me but he's the one person that i want to share my progress with, i want him to be with me and enjoy how much we both have changed for the better. it would be such a shame if he didnt give us that chance. an im so scared that he wont but thats not in control so i have to focus on what i can control and thats my future and the goals ive set for myself in order to get better.

Just wanted to write down some of my long term goals:

1) lose weight and reach goal of 115lbs.

2) fall in love again (with H or without H)

3) buy an apt in the city (maybe NYC)

4) visit all 7 continents

5) hug a monkey-chimpanzee (this has been one of my lifelong goals ever since i was a kid, hasnt happened yet and waiting for the day i can finally hug one!! they are so cute!)

6) join the peacecorps

7) find true happiness within myself.



Time for a nice cold shower and start this day one a positive note! im feeling good, I really want to keep this going, im determined to and when those waves of sadness hit me, im gonna hit it back!

[karen43]

Hey, you sound good today. 2 things I thought about when I read it. If you have problems with anxiety, you might want to ask about Prozac? That's what I've been taking the past year. I was having depression and anxiety so supposedly that's one that's good for both. Or at least it was for me.

Also, one fun web site if you want to lose weight and/or getting healthier is sparkpeople. I haven't done it too much lately but I've been really active there at times, and it's an amazing site for a free site. Karen

[beepee]

hi Karen43:

i definitely feel better today, thanks. in regards to the anxiety, ive been prescribed ativan 1mg 3 times a day. sometimes it helps but i was at my IC just now and she taught me some breathing techniques which ill try whenever i feel anxious.

i will check out that website as well, thanks for the suggestions!

[beepee]

Journaling..

back from my IC appt and it was good. talked about my feelings about the H, my insecurities with my appearance and how that is the main issue that i have that prevents me from being content, and she taught me some breathing techniques as well. all in all, it was a good session.

so this is going to be a bit gross, so a warning before you read!! i think i know why my ADs arent totally kicking it and im worried that im having stomach problems. ive been getting diarrhea EVERYDAY since the H left and it might be due to the medication or because of my daily food intake, im not sure. but when i get the diarrhea, i see 2 white pills and im assuming thats the AD, im pretty positive it is. so no wonder its not working, it gets flushed out of my system right after i take it! im really worried, that shouldnt be happening.. i must to talk to my prescriber about it and maybe talk to my doctor about my stomach problems. ive been in the ER before due to horrible stomach pains and theyve never been able to find anything but i always feel iffy there and i always get sharp stabbing pains there too. i dont want to worry myself and get down anymore than i already am so i am going to stop worrying about it but i know its definitely a problem that needs to be dealt with.

im seeing my prescriber on friday so ill talk to her about it then and see what can be done. i realy hope theres no underlying problems with my stomach and that maybe my body is just not adjusting well to the medication..

enough about that, i dont want to worry myself.
i have so much to do today but i dont want to do it!! i know i have to. theres the embarrassingly messy room, the laundry i never did, the ebay auctions i never put up, more jobs to apply for, calls to make concerning overdue bills, etc etc etc.
i think ill start with cleaning my room and playing some music thatll get my going.

no word from the job yet, hoping to hear somethng soon. if not, oh well, something better will come up im sure!

[givingitmyall]

Beepee,

Glad to hear you are doing better. Definitely alk with your prescriber about the pills. Could just be a reaction to that type of medication.

Keep moving forward and keep your mind occupied with healthy things.

[orangedog]

Beepee,

Make some short-term goals too. Make a quick list of things to do this week that will make you happy.

[orangedog]

meetup.com is a goldmine of GAL activities. Try something new.

[The Wifey]

Hi Beepee. I know the roller coaster ride is rough, but I admire that you keep fighting forward.

I just wanted to let you know it was a good thing they talked salary and benefits at the end of the interview. Just an FYI - any government job takes way longer to process anyone and actually make the job offer than you can ever imagine.

Don't assume you haven't gotten it until you hear it directly. Be patient.

Good that you had some communication with H. But now, right now, focus on you. Let him initiate the contact.

Don't push for MC or ask him too many questions. Let him do some learning and growing just like you are doing. He can't give you any answers right now because he hasn't figured them out yet.

Keep progressing. You are clinging to the future and that is good. Check out two books I recommend - Dr Phillip C McGraw's Life Strategies, and Steven K Scott's The Richest Man Who Ever Lived. Both books will help you get control of your life and look forward to a much brighter future.

[beepee]

thanks for all the advice and support guys!

wifey:
thank you so much, i appreciate your words.
i want to hope that i got the job but im going to continue to send out more resumes and apply for as many more jobs as i can, it doesnt hurt!!

im glad i had the contact with H as well but im not going to contact him now, ill wait for him to contact me this time. i feel much better about it since the majority of the emails were positive (again, besides him still wanting the divorce). but it made me feel a lot better because before, i told him i didnt want to be friends and it stuck in my mind and felt like he took it seriously and in order to move on, i felt like i had to tell him that i didnt mean it. even if he already knows that i didnt mean it, i feel a lot better getting it off my chest.

i wont push anything on him and wont ask him anymore questions. as of right now, im more than happy to give him his space and back off. i know its really good for both of us to back off each other.

he said to me yesterday that he was REALLY REALLY NERVOUS to meet up with me because of what he did to me and how he did it, and acknowledged that it was his fault and im pretty sure he knows that the way he went about it was wrong and i think he needs to deal with that as well. thats why he doesnt want to meet up with me just yet, he's scared im going to blow off on him. but i told him i understand his concerns and that i wouldnt do that, that there were no negative feelings towards him in the way that he thinks. im of course angry at what he did, but i understand why he did it but the negativity that i felt at the beginning isnt there anymore and i think thats a huge progress for me. im a lot more understanding of his feelings and his needs and i know that i really really need to back off now and just focus on getting better and sooner or later, im sure he'll come around, as a friend at least.

i will definitely check out the books you recommended, theres so many to check out!! when i spoke to my IC today, she cautioned me not to read too many of these relationship books and self-help books because shes witnessed people becoming dependent on them instead of focusing on their problems..something along those lines, i forgot what she said exactly, which is a bit odd but i can see where shes coming from.

anyway, back to cleaning a bit more!!