A new one here....

[Arwen_in_NJ]

I have posted pieces of this elsewhere, but it seems the newcomers board is a good place to put it all together...

Here is my story (sorry for the length)...

We are a lesbian couple. Have been together 17 years, "married" for 15 (we had a commitment ceremony- both our families attended). No kids. Three years ago, we were civilly unioned in Vermont, 2 years ago in NJ, so now there is a legal tie.

In April 2008, W took long term, temporary (18-24 months) job assignment in IL. We live in NJ. We talked about renting the house in NJ and me moving with her, but decided to wait until we saw whether or not she liked job & was going to stay. Gave it 3 months, and then we would talk about it. After 3 hard, lonely months, it seemed she was making friends and getting settled in, so we did not talk further about me going to be with her. I stayed in NJ, kept up house, took care of animals, worked on building real estate business as bottom fell out of market.

After about 6 months, got a gut feeling something was wrong. Once when she was home, I heard her talking on the phone to a new friend, and I commented I had never heard her use that tone of voice with anyone but me- jokingly asked if I should be worried. She replied if I saw what the friend looked like, I would know I had nothing to worry about, but that she "liked when I got jealous". I had two visions (like daydreams) of seeing her pulling up to her apt in IL, and someone else getting out of the car with her. I put this down to my own loneliness & insecurity, as I have never had reason to doubt her. In Nov., on a hunch, I told her I knew she was lonely, and that if something ever happened, it would not be the end of us (she once told me if I had an affair, not to bother coming home). She said "don't give me permission". I said I wasn't, just wanted to let her know we could work through it if something did happen. I then asked her if she was having an affair, and she said no.

The following February, we had a little tiff over something minor. Later that night, I told her that there was nowhere else I would rather be, and no one that I would rather be with. Her response was "I know". Argh. Asked her if there was someone else, and her response was "I don't want to talk about it- turn off the light". :-O Found out while taking her to the airport the next day, it was a friend in IL (I guessed who) who had lost her job & left a relationship previous July. The two of them had bonded, playing golf, going to dinner, talking on phone that turned into all night conversations, and affair "just happened"- she wasn't looking for it. EA for months that became PA last November.

By her own words, she was living a "double life." In IL, she had this fun passionate relationship (although by her own admission, the OW is "not very attractive"), when she came home she had the stability of me & the house...

After I discovered the A, she came home for a few weeks, ostensibly to work on R. She told OW she could not see her "for the duration". After two days, she decided she didn't want R, and I discovered she had called OW since she had been home. I think she was having too much fun and getting too much attention (with no responsibility since it was a "casual affair") with the A to want to give it up. Giving up the A would have meant being alone again far from home, and giving up the social network she had formed in IL. I told her it was too painful for me to have her home if she was not going to work on R, and she spent next week with friends in NYC.

Though a few months ago she said the A was "not a long term thing", "I don't want to marry her", "I don't want to meet her family, and I don't want her to meet mine", since then she has said it "has progressed" and "she has fallen in love with her".

The long term job ended ended the end of May, and W moved back home. However, she made it clear she was continuing the A. She was home 3 days and then went on 2 week vacation with OW, was home a week and a half and then spent 4th of July weekend with OW at a B&B two hours from here. OW came back with her to OUR TOWN last Sunday July 5, and the two of them stayed together at friend's house 1/2 mile form OUR house for the next 5 days. OW is unemployed, and now looking for job here. W has introduced OW to our friends, introduced her to our DOG, showed her part of our art collection, etc. I think in W's mind I am moving out, and she is going to move OW in (we own house jointly and are civilly unioned in NJ).

I thought we had a very good relationship- the envy of our friends gay or straight. We were very comfortable with each other, almost never fought, never got tired of spending time together, have similar interests, always loving and affectionate.

I think she is in mid-life crisis, as in addition to the A, in the last year she went skydiving on her 48th birthday and got a tattoo. Her behavior around the A has been incredibly selfish and thoughtless (definitely NOT the woman I have loved and lived with for 17 years). She thinks she is being "considerate and sensitive" by not bringing OW TO our house. This thing has been all about HER- a fun relationship with no responsibility. When I asked her where she saw R with OW going, her response was "I've given up trying to predict the future- I'm not very good at it. I don't know what's going to happen next week, next month, six months from now". In other words- don't pin me down.

Had sit-down with W Fri July 10 to talk about separating (her instigation). She spoke to atty earlier in week & discovered she has huge financial liability in D. She wants mediation, says she wants to be fair, then says "I am not going to give you any of my retirement; I am not going to pay you alimony. You don't deserve it and if you try to get it, I am going to leave the country. I want a quick, clean break and to move on. I don't want to give you any of my future earnings." :-( Boy, she is really angry with me.

I have been trying to be detached and DB, but I backslid and we got into talking about relationship. I tried to reason, let her know I am still willing to work on us, and she says she has noticed changes, but does not have "those feelings" for me anymore. OW has put her house on market, is looking for job in NYC and will get apt. there. WAW says she is love with her, although they will maintain separate residences... :-( Although I smell disaster for the other relationship, it looks pretty hopeless for us.

I tried to tell her I thought she had treated me badly (Big mistake!!)- she made decision to continue EA when she realized it was going past friendship and not tell me about it, when it got physical she made decision to continue it, when I asked her point blank if she was having an affair she made decision to lie about it. Her response was that I "chose" to ignore signs there were problems, like when she did not come home (from long distance job assignment) as often as she could have. I responded "so it's my fault I believed in you and our marriage? When you lied to me I chose to believe you"? Not productive, I know. We did not yell or scream (we never do), but it was tense. We got past that and the conversation became more amiable. Talked about who might get house, pieces of furniture that were from her family that she was afraid I would claim, etc. Ended on calm note and she then spent that night with OW. :-P

OW went back to IL next day & W spent Sat. night with a friend. Sunday she came home. We had pleasant evening together- made dinner, sat on deck, talked about work, etc. No R talk. I think she felt comfortable. In offhand way, I volunteered to contribute $ to running house, so she could decrease contribution. The fact that she has been supporting me has been big issue over last few years, so this was important. She mentioned getting someone to do yard work since I am now working... when we are together, she still talks "future" things about house, as if we are not separating and one of us will be moving. It's bizarre.

OW came back into town this past Friday (away 6 whole days). They are back staying at the friend's here in town, rest of the week staying in NYC while OW has job interviews & looks for apt. :-(

Why rub my face in the A by having her here? Is she that selfish? Is she trying to make me so fed up I move out? Is she so angry at me that she is maliciously trying to hurt me? Does she want me to fight for her?

W is spending next few nights in NYC with friends & OW (she has business there & we are 1 1/2 hr commute each way). The attitude of these "friends" is that since W made decision to separate and D, she should get things moving and done with quickly to minimize the pain and suffering to all concerned. My POV is the slower things go, the more time I have to implement changes, the better the chance W's feelings toward us may change or A might implode.

How do you DB when spouse is not around to interact with, and friends (who think they are "helping") are working against you???

Thought of calling Divorce Coach. Is it too late for that???