~ My story ~

[25yearsmlc]

Ds78,

Please don't take offense, but Have you actually read the Divorce Remedy or Div Busted books? They'll help you a lot. You lack clarity and that's an understatement.

This man is 28 and has 5 kids...is that correct? I thought he had 2, and are you both in 2nd M's and you both have had affairs and you are both under 30? Seems Neither one of you can be "single" for long as you both apparently have the "need" to be with someone...but as a couple, you have either a connection or chemistry or love (not sure about that) with this man yet you both lack essential tools to make a real marriage. And you both have some serious dysfunctional stuff going on.

C or T is a must for both of you. Issues like the housekeeper and spending are more about trust and power as far as I can tell b/c you have much much bigger problems...

I recommend you read the DB books and make an appointment with a DB coach at least once.

You really need clarity b/c I can't tell if you want us to tell you that you are "less wrong" than him, or how to dump him, or how to change him or what...

But all you can control is YOU. (That concept is MANDATORY to understand and accept or you will lose your focus....so tell yourself that every hour if you have to. And try the Serenity Prayer too). And your children are watching you both so much more than you realize...set a good example. Work on yourself for yourself, not as a tactic and see a M or T asap. Marriage counselling is a great idea but seems to me, imho, that you both need it as individuals in a big way and probably cannot make the M work without fixing whatever is in you that creates and perpetuates such destructive behavior.

You found this site. Now find the books and read and calm down some. Instead of writing and hoping for easy answers for there are NONE, please, breathe, read, talk to someone who knows about M and listen to them.

Your timelines are amazingly short lived. You had a nice trip to Vegas and "felt love" for him but oops, it faded so you wanted a divorce. Here's a 2 x 4 so put a helmet on.

You sound as if you "fell out of love" as if there was NO choice or responsibilty OR COMMITTMENT involved. You don't sound mature at all with this but as if you give in to every emotional up and down... But marriage IS a committment and a series of choices you make every day. Like choosing to be polite, to hold your tongue sometimes, to NOT cheat, to keep on loving and to try and see your h as God sees him. Flawed and all....and though my M has by no means been perfect, it was once very very good, but hey, I came here to this site for a reason! We've had rough patches, but we've been M for 28 years and as far as I know, it's been a marriage of fidelity despite the stormy times.
I came here in '06 and we are NOW reconciled and piecing back...but in those 3 years I did not date and as far as I know, neither did my h. It's not mandatory to have a lover just b/c your spouse is out of town or "AWOL" and btw, we were in the military too. Both of us. Each had long times apart and I never cheated and I was one of 9 women in a unit of 2000 men. I just didn't let those thoughts enter my mind, let alone stay. Sure, once upon a time I thought of an affair but I thought it all out too. NOT WORTH IT...
Try reading this little article, as a start so you can see where most of us are coming from, OR TRYING TO... and see if it helps....it's about Valentines' Day and passion in a marriage..and the whole "falling in love" myth. It's something written in response to a question about Passion in Marriage...

(Valentine's Day)

You asked about how fast passion dissipates in a marriage, and mentioned a semi-scientific study that claims passion fades after less than two years.

Two themes come to mind. First, the whole "fire sizzles out" after a year or two, may be a statistical commonality. Certainly, the newness of a lover or friend, fades in any relationship. But it does not do justice to the many marriages that have passion (in some form), long after that.

Second, marriage and our emotions are like the sea; there is an ebb and a flow. I have "fallen" out of love with my husband in the past, and "fallen" back in love with him later. I knew love was at least partly a choice, and had faith that I just needed to stand in the "heart's doorframe" waiting for the storm to pass....and it did. The "ebb" subsided and the "flow of the tide" returned.

So even if someone feels the "fire is out", it could be that the embers are covered by a stressful situation, or years of neglect, and can be restored, or the fire did die, but can be restarted with the right fire starting 'tools", etc.

Some "waves" of emotions go both ways and sometimes we have to wait them out. That's not really a Divorce Busting issue, b/c people in that place usually have bigger things on their minds/hearts. But I don't put much stock into the over simplified "passion fizzles out after 2 years, and that's just that" belief system. It's not that simple. Or true. And it rationalizes laziness.

I recall an older professor in college who told me that after 30 years, his marriage had "less fire, but more passion" than before, and that it showed in other ways. He said as a young man, even holding hands was all about sex. Now, he said, it's about "a deep and lasting" love; he said that making love became an apex reaffirming the bonded structure of their marriage and life they built, and his commitment to her, and he said he found simple physical gestures of affection far more erotic and romantic. His wife seemed to agree.

So did I, although I didn't understand that the way I do now. Today, when I see a married couple who has "gone thru the fire" that life and time bring, taking a walk holding hands, it means far more than it could mean in our 20's. Imagine when we're 80?


SEEING OUR SPOUSES THROUGH "ANOTHER'S" EYES
by J-

There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in total stark reality, without the passion of the new. They see their partner totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, strengths, quirks, warts and all, and in that time, they make a choice.

They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed, no faults of weight allowed, only minor ones. Those spouses choose to leave.

Others choose to stay, but only to make the other one cave in to their will, to nag, cajole, critisize, and "be proven RIGHT"... until one of them finally dies.

And some choose to stay, but to sigh deeply for their whole lives, rolling their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as.

And then, there are others. There are those who see the realities of their spouse - along with their own many faults - in stark light too.

Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to love. They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and admire it, and to strongly favor it. As for the bad, and "not so good", they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, forgive, or work around that....for they try their hardest to achieve the real goal of a loving marriage; to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes.

The End

The Laws Of Marriage

Show a thoughtful act of kindness
Hold your tongue, say nothing negative
Invest in what's important
for what's important is where you invest

j-