Hey Almost, I just want to explain something. I agree that there are things we have all done in our marriages that were hurtful and we should apologize for them.
But, we've seen where some start to think that things are all their fault. And while Kelly should absolutely validate her h's feelings by sayng she is sorry he feels that way about her going away, she needs to realize that that is not going to fix things because that is not really the problem.
What Braveheart said is true. We have to accept that our old marriage is gone. If we do get a second chance, it will be for a new marriage hopefully with two people who have grown and changed.
thank you all so very much!!! You have given me so much to think about. I am going out of town for my work next week and am kinda relieved to be able to get out of the house and away from the drama.
I did apologize to husband yesterday, spend about 30 minutes trying to decide exactly what to say. I said it and he replied..well grab me a coke out of the fridge and all is forgiven...maybe he was not really that upset about it...who knows..I have no idea who he is anymore.
I am sorry that I have hijacked your thread, almost. But I have been given new hope and determination....hopefully that will last through next week
here is my post....http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=43586&Number=1803109#Post1803109
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Kelly--really hijack all you want. I really love the company, feel free to talk to me here or whoever else might be here, really you have to do that, no worries.
I am not surprised all it would take is a coke to forgive you....lol! And really, he's not that mad about it BUT you have stopped him from ever being able to bring it up again, just to throw in your face. Obviously, something about the trip did bug him, how much it bugged him? Who knows? But now you've ended it. Let's see what he comes up with next.
So. H invited me to something called Casino Nite at our country club. (No, we aren't rich, we just play rich people on tv! J/K. He was able to join because the club was doing a member drive years ago and waived the deposit.....and it helped at the last casino nite that we won a free year! Whoo-Hoo!) Anyways, big deal, all the spouses are there as this night is in conjunction with one of the biggest weekend tournaments of the year. Everyone dresses up, lots of food, drinking and fun. Well, it was an even bigger deal for me that H wanted me to go because that meant I would be there as his "date" in front of all the golf buddies. Things have gotten around the club because H is living on the course now in a townhouse.....and folks know S and I are not living there too. I got a new dress. Went to drop S off with a girlfriend who said I looked good enough to eat! I get there and get lots and lots of compliments. H was very very pleased to see me.
Before we go in to the big party room, H, a very very drunk H starts R talk....not sure why then and there but he does. I've learned in the past that I get a lot of info out of him when he's in such a state....he says "We'll never trust each other again...." Then he says "When we work it out my parents will be mad, but they'll just have to deal with it..." (In order to justify to them and probably himself what he was doing, I became the devil. So I know they don't hate me, but they will be shocked if we work this out.....that's how much crap H talked about me.) Then he says "I'm avoiding calls from my lawyer....they have the papers ready...." To which I said "Take the call, go get the papers....." He asked "Is that really what you want me to do?" I said "I want you to realize you can't threaten me out of the blue for no reason with weird crap like that....do what you have to do to make you happy, because I sure as hell will do what I need to do to make me happy...." He just smiled and really I am pretty sure that was just a stupid lie, I think it was his attempt to keep control of this situation which he's had way to much of from the very start. Anyways, he goes back to the trust issues....I said we work on it or we are dead in the water. I've worked this hard, I can continue. I can't tell you what to do. However, you aren't going to compare my integrity to OW's. He said "You are right about that.....you win hands down....." He basically is concerned I lied about things related to OW. Whatever.
So we go in, he says to his buddies "I'm a pain in the ass, but she still wants to take care of me....as long as she wants to do that, I'm gonna let her...." I just about crapped my beautiful dress. Then he's introducing me to some guys I've never met and calls me "The mother of my child". I just chuckled. I let that go since I realize he's got to work that out for him. Mother of my child. Good grief.
Lots of his friends took that opportunity to say How are YOU? Really? I told a couple that I know pretty well "I love my husband, I love my son, I am going fight and see where we end up." Both said "Good. We love you guys and want to see you make it." One told me that when it all started some of them said he was being stupid to his face. It didn't go well. But one of the guys said something to H last week about being stupid for not working this out and H responded with "How do you know we aren't working it out?" The golf buddy said everyone has been very hopeful for us since then and when they found out I would be there for Casino Nite everyone was looking forward to seeing me.
And it was a very warm reception for me. Several people went ahead and told me they were thrilled to see me there.....and didn't say much more but I knew what they meant and it was just nice.
H was attentive and nice to me, and I gave him his space, but would check on him while he gambling to see if he needed drinks or whatever and he would give me chips to hang onto for the drawing. He won free carts for August, he was very happy.
The rest of the night was good. He kissed me good bye this morning to finish up the tournament, which he's close to the lead so let's hope he wins.
But over all, a very good insightful night. There were only a couple of people I was honest with, the rest I played happy stupid and everyone was cool.
I hope the rest of my DBer's had a great night too.
Oh, believe me I know. Last night was more for me in that I got to see he didn't bad mouth me as much as I thought he may have....or if he did, the golf guys didn't buy into it much.
It was great to get the reception that I got. Very warm, very happy to see me at an event spouses brought their spouses to, or girlfriends in some cases. It just made me happy. And the only two people I spoke with are two of his closest friends so I didn't educate them.....they already knew. One even said "Good job packing up his s**t for him. The look on his face when he told me you did that was pretty funny....he was expecting a blow up. Good for you."
Almost, Sounds like you had a great night! I'm glad. I'm sure the positive reception you got was encouraging to you. You are doing/have been doing the right things.
Hope things continue to just get better and better!
I hope so. It's just so hard to get your hopes up and then have them just trashed! But it's me and the choir here, I know!
Tonight, H and his partner finished 2nd. He was happy about that. His facebook status was something along the lines of golf, great weather, great friends, a fun night last night, no drama.....does it get any better than this? So that was pretty great to see.
He came over to a friends house for dinner tonight with me and S. He was tired, much like me. My facebook status "Heavy is the head that DRINKS the crown!" LOL!! When we were packing up to leave S was telling him "Ok Daddy, you go home, and tomorrow Mommy will take me to your house and we can play, right Daddy?" and he said it several times.....H will be here tomorrow night as it's his night with S so it will all work out, they'll just be here not at Daddy's. (Which I still hate that we "Daddy's" and "Our house" but whatever, I think it's been good for us too.) When H was saying goodbye to me with a big hug, he got teary eyed.....not horribly so, but upset for sure. So I looked at him and said "Look, no one died here. This eff up didn't end with anyone physically hurt or dead. What happened to our neighbors....people effed up and someone died.....we're fortunate....soooo fortunate. We can fix this....that kind of eff up, that can't be fixed. We'll be ok, you know? I believe this was our path. As hard as it's been we had to go through this.....but everyone is still around to fix it." He smiled and gave me a big kiss and hug and I said bye and left.
Side note: almost a year ago, our neighbors who are Chinese lost their 4 year old daughter in a daycare fire. Turns out there were two subs there that day and only two teachers. They were way below ratio for the number of kids vs. adults. There was a ceiling fire. All the kids were napping. They go outside and one of the boys asked where my 4 year old was...turns out, she didn't get out. She later died at the hospital, smoke inhalation. They came to America because they wanted multiple children. They were expecting their second child three months from the tragedy that killed their daughter. After he was born, they left to back to China. All very very sad...so much I can't imagine.
But we'll see.
H has again told me OW is dead to him and there will never be contact between them again. This is a boundary he's set. He also says "I don't know if we can work it out......" I say nothing. He said this weekend "I don't think we can trust each other...." I said "I don't know either, but it's not something we're going to figure out tonight, this week or next. It's going to take a while." (Then I proceeded to drink like I have a freaking problem. !)
Alright--any suggestions thoughts, whatever, please feel free to share. By no means do I plan to move to "Piecing" any time soon.
Hey A, it sounds like you had a nice weekend. I am happy for you. Hope your head doesnt hurt too badly - LOL!
I would only suggest that when he says things like I dont know if we could work it out or I dont know if we could trust each other, to perhaps not say much. He is feeling you out, testing you. The less you say the better. I know it is hard to believe, but, everything feels like pressure to them. So, listen, validate that you heard by saying, I am sorry you feel that way or I understand how you might feel that way and thats it. Keep it short and sweet, ya know?
I m so happy to hear you and H had a good time at the club. It sounds like a big step toward reconciliation. My girlfriend and I are out of town at a conference and we went to a bar down the road and had a GREAT time dancing and drinking....I am in such a great mood!!! Not even worrying about H right now....just going to enjoy my week! Will keep praying for you
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
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