Thanks Hoosier - you broke it down into workable pieces for me. One thing each day is much easier than trying to figure out: should I take dance lessons then worrying about how to find where they are, how much they cost etc... Baby steps, that I can manage.
I didn't mention in my earlier post but it keeps replaying in my mind. In a text to OW, H called her a nickname he has used for me since our S was born. I've never heard him call anyone else that name, not even his own mother. Cut to the core.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Thanks Hoosier - you broke it down into workable pieces for me. One thing each day is much easier than trying to figure out: should I take dance lessons then worrying about how to find where they are, how much they cost etc... Baby steps, that I can manage.
I didn't mention in my earlier post but it keeps replaying in my mind. In a text to OW, H called her a nickname he has used for me since our S was born. I've never heard him call anyone else that name, not even his own mother. Cut to the core.
1) yes. it's all about baby steps right now. if it feels too huge, do something smaller. whatever takes you out of your head. I forgot exercise; that one doesn't do much for me (!) but it's excellent for getting out of your head and releasing endorphins--something you need badly right now. so walk, run, dance, bike, swim--whatever you do.
2) ouch. yes, there are moments when you discover very small things that are just excruciating. just keep moving.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I didn't mention in my earlier post but it keeps replaying in my mind. In a text to OW, H called her a nickname he has used for me since our S was born. I've never heard him call anyone else that name, not even his own mother. Cut to the core.
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- your initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
Pet names are wonderful! No matter who you are with they are never wrong. My grandmother worked in a clothing store all her life. She said she knew everyone's name. It was either "Sweetheart" or "Honey"! This is the same thing. He doesn't have to worry about saying the wrong name, because he uses the same one.
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
I actually think it was a good thing I did Puppy. As twisted as this may sound, I needed a slap in the face, kind-of like a reality check. H has been feeding me a bunch of BS the last few days. Perhaps my hopes were rising, thinking H may actually be coming around to reality. My snooping allowed me to realize how wrong I was.
I will stop the snooping for now since I found out what I needed to know. To continue would bring me more heartache. Between last night and this morning the realization came upon me to move on, without him. I need to focus on me and my emotional, physical and psychological needs.
I am treading on a thin line, in and out of depression. I am fighting to keep myself from falling in. I hope I am strong enough.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
You ARE strong and you can do this, both for YOU and for S.
But, you can only put yourself in this line of fire for so long. I know it is 3 hours away, but put yourself and S in the car on Friday and come here for the weekend. It gives you time to regroup and breathe again. And we'll put you to work and you will have no time to think. Or you can go down to the creek and sit and read a book and do nothing! Or we can go line dancing at night. Or go to your other friend's home, either way, get out of dodge for a bit.
Oh, I showed my H the picture on FB and he said it looks just like the woman who killed Steve McNair. I googled it and he is right.
I really don't have much to say to him. Okay, not true, I have a he11 of a lot to say to him but in true DB fashion, I will keep in all in.
Am I supposed to continue to pretend nothing is going on when I know he's involved with OW? How hypocritical is it for him to want to act/be friends when he's tearing me apart?
Guess I'm just in a depressed mood and very confused.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Am I supposed to continue to pretend nothing is going on when I know he's involved with OW? How hypocritical is it for him to want to act/be friends when he's tearing me apart?
Not "hypocritical". I think the word you were looking for was "selfish."
I wouldn't talk/communicate with him right now since you are upset - I don't blame you.
I recall you laid down a boundary about no ML while he's still involved with OW. I take it he does not know you know about his txt's to OW where he used the pet name? Are you wrestling with whether you tell him or not you know?
