I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

So my last thread locked finally and here's my new one.

I wanted to dedicate this thread to my monkey and sheep.
Now you're probably wondering what in the world i am talking about. They are stuffed animals that belonged to my H and I.
i know, you're probably thinking, crazy girl here with stuffed animals..but they were so much more than that. they represented our relationship, they were our babies, they were so important to us.

A little behind each one.

My sheep came into my life when I was living in Ireland at my H's parents place. I was in a bad place, i didnt enjoy living there and i was getting into a deep depression because i had left my life behind in the states to be with him and i had no friends, no family, no job, just the love of my life. i just needed more than that, and i know thats how my H feels when he moved over here to be with me.

When we went to the store one day, i was looking at little kids toys (dont ask why, maybe i just felt the need to look at somethng cute) and i saw a table with all these adorable animals and one stuck out in particular to me. it was on sale for 50cents. i picked him up and said to my H, "look honey, isnt the just the cutest Monkey!!??" He walked over to me and gave me the weirdest look and pointed to a sign on top of the table that read "FARM ANIMALS" and called me an eejit in the most loving way possible i was so embarrassed! it was actually a sheep! how on earth did i think it was a monkey?? but i bought him and took him home with us and my H pulls him out of the bag and asks me what I wanted to name him and out of nowhere, i just blurted out a name which turned out to be his grandmothers name which i never knew. He was well impressed with the name im sure and my Sheep became so important to both of us.

Then later on, maybe half a year later, my H brought me to one of those beach towns, with all those casinos and entertainment shops etc. Everytime we went, he would always try his luck at winning me a toy from one of their machines and he always failed and always felt bad about it, but i never did, i thought it was so cute how much he wanted to get me a toy and if he never won, watching him try gave me so much joy. Then one day, he finally got one, an adorable elephant. But i saw the cutest monkey sitting on a shelf looking at me and i wanted him instead of the elephant but was too afraid to say anything. But my H could tell how much i wanted the monkey so he went to the manager and asked if we could exchange it and he agreed. He was the cutest monkey ever. We brought him home, and just as our sheep, our monkey became so important to us and they both represented our relationship, the good times we've had, the love we shared. Both of us would freak out if anything ever happened to them, so much so that we would keep them hidden from all of our little neices and nephews.

on the day that my H packed up and left. He took them with him. That broke my heart. i felt like a huge part of me had been ripped away and i had no say in it. and i didnt. i was so angry, THEY WERE MINE TOO. a couple weeks after he had been gone, i asked him why he took them, and he said "i dont know, i was really lonely." i thought he had taken them because he knows how much they represent the good times in our relationship and wanted to hold on to them.. but maybe not.

then just a few days ago, (he made a myspace page for them) he took me off their MS page, and kept this blonde irish girl on there? as if shes so much more important to him than i am and deserves to be on their page?? THEY ARE MY MONKEY AND SHEEP! why did he do that? he knows that would tear me apart and it does.

i know to all of you reading this, you might think its silly, its just a stuffed animal. they werent to me, they werent to him. they were my babies and my babies had been stolen from me and im being prevented from seeing them or having anything to with them.

but i am confused as to why he would want to keep them so much. he knows what they represent - US. but he doesnt want us anymore, there is no more us. why is he keeping them? why didnt he leave them behind with me? why is he keeping me from their myspace page and allowing another girl to be on there. the only other girl that is on there!! i want to think that he kept them because he wants to hold on to us, but he's keeping me from them. it doesnt make any sense.

I want my relationship back. i want the good times back. I want the love of my life back. I want my monkey and sheep back.

[orangedog]

Those little things make me melt. I understand the sadness.

[beepee]

i woke up this morning feeling really angry.
frustrated, sad, p*ssed off, all the negative emotions one could feel just flooded me when i woke up and i was ONE SECOND away from sending this email to him. i NEARLY pressed the send button and i stopped myself in time because i thought of this board. i thought of how you guys would be so dissapointed, i thought about how sending it wouldnt make a difference to him, i thought about how sending it wouldnt make the situation any better, and i thought about how i would make myself crazy waiting for a reply that would probably never come. i'm still tempted to send it, the urge is very very very very strong at the moment. but i am posting it here and im going to walk away from the computer for awhile and try to get myself together..

D,

I'm sure you know this but i just want
you to know that it really really hurt me
that you would take me off their page and
leave some other girl on there as if she's
more deserving of them. im sure you know
it would hurt me and thats probably why you
did it. i dont understand it at all,
Dave and David was mine too,
I named them and you took them
away from me as if I was this cruel
horrible person. i dont know why
you have decided to treat me this way
and turn on me when you said that
im your best friend. i never ever thought
you had any of this in you, i never
knew you could act this way. i never
knew you could treat anyone the way
you're treating me.

im sorry that i said i didnt want to see you
anymore and that i couldnt be friends with
you, i didnt mean it. i want nothing more
than to have you as my best friend but
i know thats not a possibility anymore.
if you ever decide that im worth your time,
i would love to hear from you.

B

[hopeful_cb]

Hi beepee! Glad you posted it here and not sent it. I know its hard, keep strong you can do this. Maybe if the urge doesnt go away soon you can go for a walk or start cleaning something, that always gets my mind off things.

[beepee]

hi hopeful:

thanks for the support. ive been reading your thread and have been meaning to post, will do soon! i feel we are similar since we're both in our 20s and dont have any kids. i hate to say this, but i feel like because i dont have any kids, its harder to get the WAS back. i dont mean to be negative, but ive noticed that most of the success stories that i've read involve children. but of course, i shouldnt look at it that way but thats how i feel and i feel like its gonna be a lot harder on us because theres less for the WAS to worry about. im sorry, i know its horrible that im thinking this way and i hope it doesnt offend you or get you down, i just felt i needed to get that off my mind as it has been in my head for a long time and i didnt want to say anything..

the urge is still there to email him but has lessened a bit. still extremely frustrated and worried that i'm not going to hear from him again. its been nearly 2 weeks since i last heard from him thru email. i cant believe its been over 5 weeks since i've seen or spoken to him. it feels like an eternity. i don't know how much more i can take. i know its only been 5 weeks and people have gone thru so much more. but i havent seen or spoken to him AT ALL and it seems most people here at least get to see or speak to their WAS. i WISH that he would just call me, even if its to say something mean, but im not lucky enough to even get that.

it just gets so frustrating to try and move on with my life and try to GAL. my living situation does not help my sitch at all. having to live at home with the parents, who are barely supportive and never talk to me, having no money and trying so hard to find a job, not being able to get around on my own because i dont drive (and dont have anyone available to teach me or money to get driving lessons) and not having friends in the same city. it gets me down and it just makes it that much harder to try and deal with my sitch.

i wish he had a desire to talk to me, see me or something, to talk about the divorce even. i dont even know if and when he's filing. i dont want to be surprised in the next few days with divorce papers but i feel like thats going to happen and that he wont have the decency to let me know when he files. what happened to my H? where is he? how does he become a stranger just like that? how have i come to mean so little to him? i need to stop these thoughts, i know. but its making me feel slightly better to get it out here.

what do i do if i dont hear from him in a month? do i give up? because i dont know if i can do another month, its already been 5 weeks and that was a lot to go through. i just want a sign or something. i just want to know that i will hear from him again in the future. the unknown is wrecking my head.

[SmileysPerson]

Did you ask for them? As much as I hate to admit it, most WAS's -- including mine -- aren't really the heartless scum we (need) (would like) make them out to be. Could you just come out with it? Those mean a lot to me, and no matter what happens in the future I'd sort of like to have them for old time's sake.

[aliveandkicking]

i hate to say this, but i feel like because i dont have any kids, its harder to get the WAS back. i dont mean to be negative, but ive noticed that most of the success stories that i've read involve children.

Wrong. There are many success stories of those without kids because they are able to truly separate, GAL, get their sh*t together and they are not forced to manage/argue over matters involving the kids.

Without children, I would have embraced this separation and poured my energy into me. Having kids in the middle injects a level of anxiety, guilt and preoccupation that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You are in a perfect position to turn your life around. Young, intelligent and no children. Doesn't matter how low you are. Mid twenties, most of us have been there...in the doldrums. Is there something you want to achieve? Pound the pavement, make it happen.

[beepee]

SmileysPerson:
i didnt ask for them back because im going dark at the moment and havent contacted him for over a week. i really want to email him and ask for them back but i know he wants to keep them too, i dont think he would have taken them if he didnt. maybe ill email him next week and ask if i could at least have one of them..i told him a few weeks ago that i was really upset that he took them away from me but he didnt respond to that. he doesnt respond to most things i say to him so i feel like if i were to ask for them back, he just wouldnt respond.

[beepee]

aliveandkicking:
thanks for that, i can definitely understand and see your point. dont get me wrong, i appreciate my position and know that not having kids allows me to fully work on myself without having to worry about anyone else but i just still feel like because there are no kids involved, he's less inclined to be in touch with me which is the case now. but i understand what you're saying and i appreciate it.

i want so much to turn my life around and im really trying as much is humanly possible for me. im busting my a$$ trying to get a job and get out of this living situation i am in because it is not helping me. its just not happening as soon as id like and i know i just have to be more patient, i know itll happen soon, i have faith in myself that i can make it happen.

its just really tough not being in contact with him at all. i dont know, maybe its easier to GAL and move on this way than it is if we were in contact. i dont know. i havent been able to experience what it would be like the other way around. but this is the way it is now and i have to learn to deal and cope with it.

[aliveandkicking]

Well, I can tell you that there are probably hidden blessings in all of our sitches. When I came on here, a few people were saying how lucky I was that H was in contact so much. Well, guess what? It is because he is a selfish pr*ck who wants the connection, my attention, my body, when he wants it and I can't even express what a mindf*ck that is.

When I look through success stories I see so many that don't involve kids. Unfortunately, the draw of staying together for the kids rarely sustains and the damage done to them in separation creates a whole other hurdle to forgiving and reconnecting. You have these little people who want to be able to assess what is happening in their lives. You can't just go for it, you know?

You want to know that he cares and that he thinks about you. How about that I, Alive and Kicking promise you he does?

If it makes you feel better, know that he does care but he is on his own path right now.

Yes, this will take time. But you have a lot more going for you than you realize.