Thank you so much for sharing this! It really helped me this morning to have hope. Here is my story. Any other hope and success stories, encouragement, etc. from you and others is appreciated.
I am a 49 year old man who has been married for almost 17 years. This is my 2nd marriage as I was married at 22 to my high-school (only girlfriend) and divorced from her after only 4 years of marriage.
My current wife, and I had been happy - or so I thought, but she represses her feelings and learned in childhood that you don't share feelings because good girls do what they are told or else. The or else was manifested in her when she at age 6 had a baby brother die of Downs syndrome and was told he went to see Jesus so you better do what you're told or this is what can happen to you. Futher aggravated by the fact that her mom and dad (married now for 50 years) never had an argument and the one time they did - dad left (only for 1 night to the garage), but these 2 traumas formed the basis for not sharing true feelings or getting into any conflict.
Amy and I had been to our marriage therapist who we both liked 5 years ago when after 12 years of marriage she finally admitted to me that she was not happy, but didn't want to say anything.
I immediately agreed to therapy with her, and we made progress, but in the last 3 years we have again slipped back into old patterns, i.e. her repressing her feelings and not sharing what she is feeling and thinking and me going off into my stupid male fantasy of just sex without real intimacy in the bedroom.
Even though she was there with me enjoying herself to a degree I wasn't really "tuned in." When recently I began to feel something wasn't right and asked direct questions like "do I have anything to worry about?" She said no, this just a few weeks ago.
Coincidentally, (which now I know was no coincidence) Amy attended her 30 year high school reunion and I have since learned that many of her classmates expressed regret for things not tried, stuck in their lives.
Amy is 48, and has openly said, "I don't want the 2nd half of my life, or however many years I have left to be the same as the first." "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." "It's time for me to take a separate path." "I know you don't think anything good can come from this, but it can."
We have 2 small children that we both have great relationships with (our first daughter is only 6 and is very sensitive like her mother), our second daughter will be 9 next month and is very strong physically and mentally.
The week prior to July 4th we had a wonderful week as a family going to our local parade, carnival, fireworks. We held hands as a family and it was Amy's turn to say a little prayer over our dinner on Fri. that weekend. We are not overtly religious, but we have a nice tradition of "saying the pray" at dinner if we all together and thanking God for our blessings and expressing any hopes we have. So Amy holding all our hands says "thank you God for all our blessings and help Daddy's work event this weekend go great." We also had great sex that week and weekend.
Coincidentally - (I don't think this was a coincidence either) our 9 year old Sophie and I were walking back from the carnival on Sun July 5 and Sophie mentioned some actress. I said "oh she's cute," and Sophie replied, "will you stop 'crushing' that's cheating on mom!" I responded, "Sophie, you can admire someone without taking any action that are cheating." And here's the killer, the next words out of this little girl's mouth were:
"You better never get a divorce!" Sophie's best friend is divorced and I know she is getting to feel the hurts through her friend.
I replied, "Sophie! I don't want a divorce, I love mommy."
Of course, Amy HATES that story and dismisses it, but...
The very next day - Mon. July 6th Amy announces "I want a divorce, I can't take this any longer. I made an appointment with our marriage therapist to find out how to talk to the children about this."
As she was telling me this bombshell one of her sisters who live in the area and who Amy has been confiding in was there that day with her son 7 and she marches into the room takes our girls suitcases which has already been packed and loaded them and our girls in her car and left for her home.
After a couple hours of my shock and telling Amy "why in the world didn't you tell me you were this unhappy, I would agreed to go back to counseling in a heartbeat!?" "Whay didn't you say anything when I asked you last week "Do I have anything to worry about?" "Why didn't you bring it up on our Monday night 'date nights' which we have been religious about over the past few years?" We go out for dinner and a movies and all subjects are OK to talk about. We started these date nights after therapy the first time.
Amy's response, "I have been over this in my mind 17 hundred times and I just don't see any other way. If there was a solution 'I would have found it.'" I have been pretending to be happy because I read if you take the action and pretend everything's alright the feeling will follow, but the feeling never followed."
After a bit more discussion I got Amy to agree to at least ask our therapist for other options besides divorce. Reluctantly, Amy agreed and our therapist who recommended Divorce Busting.com to me asked Amy if she would agree to at least a 3 month trial separation. Again, reluctantly, Amy agreed.
But, in this recession and with 2 small children we don't have money for another apartment so Amy had come up with the idea of having her own room in our home which has 4 bedrooms.
She doesn't want me to ask her where she is going when she goes out and wants to have a separate life.
She acknowledges that she also has made mistakes and has said, "I have to work on myself before I can be in a good relationship with you or anyone else."
Our Therapist asked me to hold on to my hope, but hold the tension of knowing it may not work, and she asked Amy to try to have an open mind about the possibilities even though she has said her mind was made up about wanting a divorce.
To make things MORE interesting - we had a planned family vacation to Colorado to visit Amy's identical twin sister and her husband this past week, and after our first session with our therapist, Amy said, "I think it's the right thing to go on the vacation."
So...here I am the last morning of our 10 day family vacation in Colorado. We have had a wonderful time, going to the top of Pike's Peak, hiking in Golden Gate State Park, doing things as a family and with our in-laws and I have been pouring over the Divorce Remedy book, writing out my goals, things I know I need to work on and change in myself regardless of what happens with Amy and I.
When I got to the part in the book about communicating, midlife crises and using different mediums like a letter I had amassed so much feeling and knowledge about things I have done wrong over the years I found myself writing a very heartfelt letter to Amy expressing the changes I would be making regardless of what happens to us.
There was an opportunity for Amy and I to talk at the beginning of our vacation and she again expressed the feeling that she wanted to go on a different path and that there is almost NO chance in her mind that we will survive as a couple.
I gave her my letter and she read it and teared up a bit, laughed at parts and then said "It's a very nice letter and if you do these things, you will have a great relationship whether it be with me or anyone else, but I want to be clear that I still want to go my separate way."
This morning as I was writing this to you on the last day of our vacation, Amy presented me with her own leter which said she was sorry that as a result of her actions my world was turned upside down, but again that she believed good things can from this and she wants to remain friends and is very proud of the actions I'm taking, and she admires many things about me as a father and businessman. She still acknowldeges she loves me, but is NOT "in love" with me and doesn't feel that will ever change - so she tells "don't count your chickens there is almost no chance our marriage will survive.
She also admits wanting to go out with other people during our separation, but says there is no one in particular that she is pursuing, just that she wants to see what's out there. She also says she would never bring a date back to our house with our children and wouldn't do that until after we were divorced and only if she felt after dating someone for 3 to 6 months there was potential for a long-term partner there.
I also sense midlife crises with Amy looking at possible tattoos, toe-rings and other things she has never done. Her favorite recent movie? The Bucket List!
Please accept my apology for being so long winded. I have hope and told her that just as she is entitled to her convictions about what is best as the therapist told me I have a right to my integrity and hope.
Here's a question. I will hope for a miracle by giving her total space and being an unconditional friend for the next 3 months, but given her stubborn belief and looking forward to dating and discovering more about herself if at the end of the 3 month separation....SHOULD I GRANT HER A DIVORCE?
Do I need to give her that too under the umbrella of unconditional friend. She wants to continue to always have a parenting relationship with me and there will be regular meetings to discuss this, but am I shooting myself in the foot if at the end of the 3 months she insists on a divorce and I say no?
Thank so much for listening and all responses are welcome. jamesb6402
