Try reading the Psalms. Open your Bible to the Psalms, just pick one, and my prayer is that God will comfort you with EXACTLY the words you need to hear right now.
Ashlee--one night I found myself on my knees on the kitchen floor, absolutely hysterical. screaming, crying, shouting "no!" don't remember to this day how I got down there or how long it went on. unfortunately my daughter was home at the time. which made it all so much worse. I think I must have cried and screamed until I was exhausted, then cried some more with D12 and apologized, then realized I was scaring her. one of the worst nights of my life, undoubtedly. I know where you are and how awful you feel. the only answer I can give you is that it DOES get better over time. there are good days and bad ones, and good moments and bad ones. you find something to hang onto--and maybe it's that your kids need you to be strong. maybe it's something else. and when you are in pain or you're hurting or you're angry you just feel it, and you know that it won't kill you even though you might wish it would. and you hang out here and vent and get advice from people who survived what you're enduring now.
a year after that low point for me, I once again feel joy. I once again like myself, I am once again a good mother. I am divorced and I didn't want to be, and my financial status will probably never be comfortable. but I have a life again, and I am making it and finding reasons to get up in the morning where I least expected them. and I know myself, and I accept that I am not perfect but I am pretty dang okay. it does get better, I promise you that. the only way out of this pit is through it--that's a truth you'll hear from everyone who's been here. and the other side is infinitely more beautiful than anything you can imagine tonite.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I read Psalms Puppy. I found some calm, some peace. I'm going to sleep in my S's room tonight. I hope that's not a big mistake but I don't want to be in my bed when H returns. Is this a big no-no?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
a year after that low point for me, I once again feel joy. I once again like myself, I am once again a good mother. I am divorced and I didn't want to be, and my financial status will probably never be comfortable. but I have a life again, and I am making it and finding reasons to get up in the morning where I least expected them. and I know myself, and I accept that I am not perfect but I am pretty dang okay. it does get better, I promise you that. the only way out of this pit is through it--that's a truth you'll hear from everyone who's been here. and the other side is infinitely more beautiful than anything you can imagine tonite.
Thank you Hoosier. I will try to hang on to the hope that the other side will be better. I am giving my pain to God tonight for in Him I shall find comfort.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
a year after that low point for me, I once again feel joy. I once again like myself, I am once again a good mother. I am divorced and I didn't want to be, and my financial status will probably never be comfortable. but I have a life again, and I am making it and finding reasons to get up in the morning where I least expected them. and I know myself, and I accept that I am not perfect but I am pretty dang okay. it does get better, I promise you that. the only way out of this pit is through it--that's a truth you'll hear from everyone who's been here. and the other side is infinitely more beautiful than anything you can imagine tonite.
Thank you Hoosier. I will try to hang on to the hope that the other side will be better. I am giving my pain to God tonight for in Him I shall find comfort.
if you can surrender it to God, so much the better. that is incredibly helpful; even just expressing that you WANT to do that can get you there. sleep wherever you feel most comfortable. take care of yourself, don't worry the effect it has on H tonite. take a sedative if you need to. you need a good night's sleep; your perspective will be much different if you can manage that.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
H woke me up when he got in last night (sometime around midnight - after getting a tattoo). Asked why I was in S's room. Ended up telling H about FB and feeling like a fool. H didn't see a problem with having OW on friend's list. H said he never blocked me from anything. Very short conversation, no yelling, no crying, nothing. H then tried to get me to come sleep in our bed. I refused.
I looked at H's cell phone in the middle of the night. I know, no snooping but needed to know contact with OW since he claimed he stopped talking to her. H has been talking to her and numerous texts between them. Several texts elude to things of a sexual nature and leave little to the imagination. H has sent pictures to her with his shirt off. All pictures she sent him were deleted.
H tried to talk to me this morning before leaving. I was so tired I forget half of the conversation. Basically I just listened, afraid of what I might say. I did say he needed to make a decision one way or another. H responded with something like - or it's over? I once again just said, you need to figure things out and I think you need IC.
Okay, I need help. I need to regroup. It feels like I've hit a roadblock. I am going to re-read the LRT in DR today, which is where I started at. I'm also going to go over the detaching information (I printed out the article GIMA suggested and stuff Sandi wrote). I think where I have gotten stuck is I have been focusing too much on the M and him, not at all on me. I do need to start living for me and S. I need to detach because if I don't, I'm not going to make it.
H continues to break my heart. In allowing it to be broken time and time again, I am getting depressed and angry, even feeling revengeful. Although I'm sure these feelings are normal, I need to break free as much as possible.
I welcome any ideas, suggestions or advice.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Okay, I need help. I need to regroup. It feels like I've hit a roadblock. I am going to re-read the LRT in DR today, which is where I started at. I'm also going to go over the detaching information (I printed out the article GIMA suggested and stuff Sandi wrote). I think where I have gotten stuck is I have been focusing too much on the M and him, not at all on me. I do need to start living for me and S. I need to detach because if I don't, I'm not going to make it.
exactly! and it's hard not to focus on the M and on him. but it will only wear a rut in your brain if you do. every day, do one thing for yourself that brings you peace, comfort, lights you up, whatever. devote some time to a good book, watch something on TV, go back to a craft or hobby that you once enjoyed, have a "spa night" for yourself and use all your senses--music you like, scented candles, glass of wine if you like, scented lotion, do a manicure, face mask, condition your hair, paint your toenails. Involve all your senses, and later you can look back at your nice nails and remind yourself you were worth it, just for you. For me, doing something creative is always helpful because it takes me out of my head; also, I tend not to devote much time to myself, but when I'm doing something crafty I tend to lose track of time. for me it's very therapeutic. connect with your spirit--meditate, pray, read scripture (yes, psalms is an excellent place to start--they can be very emotional and cathartic). all of those things can help you focus on the moment, focus on you, and not on things beyond your control that increase your anxiety.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
