WAW Using God

[pigskin]

I think you are a man with a huge gentle heart, but I know how we women in an EA will take advantage of a man like that. I am M to a man like that and I disrespected him terribly. I abused the trust he had in me and wiped my feet on him. Don't confuse what being a Christian is with a doormat. The two look nothing alike. It is kind of like you being a parent to those kids of yours.....you can't be their "buddy" when they have disobeyed you, b/c that is when you have to step into that figure of parental authority and carry out some form of discipline. Can you imagine what type of people they would grow up to be if you never wore that hat of authority? That is a form of tough love and the Bible certainly teaches parents to do that! No, it isn't a pleasant job, but we want our children to be good people so we raise them the best we know how by using the tools/information we're given.

You are getting your tools here in how to help your W. The more you turn your head at what's really going on, the less it helps. In a way, you almost have to take on the form of a parent with her while she's in this frame of mind. You have to be the strong one b/c she certainly won't be. Now, don't insult her intellegence.....that's not what I mean, but you will have to almost act like her parent at times when it comes to her showing you respect. My H tried to treat me like I was his child and I almost despised him for it. But he was very angry and did things that I felt insulted my intellengence (like hide the computer cam)and so I would retaliate to prove I could not be outdone. That's one of those fine lines you were talking about. It's important that you not opperate out of anger b/c it doesn't work that way. However, you don't have to act smug about it either. At times, my H would act like that and I hated it. It was not him and I could not stand for him to behave like that. Of course, I wasn't acting like me, either. You don't have to pretend to be happy about what she's doing! Opperate out of a calm spirit but let her know you mean business when you tell her that you do not know how long you can live with a woman who is disrespectful to her H and gives her heart to another man, contacts him, stays out late, etc. Don't let her tell you it has nothing to do with you and that it's about "her"....b/c it has EVERYTHING to do about you and her M.

Thanks for the input Sandi. I've pretty much laid down the law, and the last time we talked I was direct in calling the affair an affair and a despicable act. The analogy with child rearing is a good one. I always like to say to my kids, "I'm not your FRIEND. I'm your FATHER".

I think I'm doing pretty well with not getting angry. I'm passionate in debate, but I don't get angry. My wife is not in my face about contact with OM, and I've told her I won't tolerate it in front of me or in the house. She doesn't go out except occasionally (less than once a month) with mutual female married friends, which she was doing long before the EA. I've never met the OM's wife, but I know she's kept a leash on him, probably to the point of suffocation, so she's an unknowing advocate in my corner, I guess. However I have no idea what goes on between 5 PM and when she gets home around 6PM.

It's a very weird situation in that it seems like a weekday 9 to 5 EA. Maybe she came clean about it soon enough to put out the fire. Maybe I'm taking the good advice you and others have given me, and putting it to use quick enough to stop the bleeding. Or maybe we've just seen the tip of the iceberg. Impossible to know, but that's where I feel anxious sometimes. All I can do is keep pushing on.