Guys, I hate to say it but it can be really annoying to have someone apologize to appease and then continue doing the same things over and over...just sayin'.I have no idea if this applies to your sitches...
Guys, I hate to say it but it can be really annoying to have someone apologize to appease and then continue doing the same things over and over...just sayin'.I have no idea if this applies to your sitches...
Nope, I'm talking in the sincere apology realm...
I agree with you, an apology that's meant to appease isn't a real apology...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
So many people today are unwilling to apologize for anything, ever. My husband was like that. And even after he was caught having an affair, the apologies were reflexive, "I'm sorry I hurt you." Not, "I'm sorry for having an affair, that was wrong." But I didn't push it, even though I was well aware of the lack of actual sorriness. But at Retrouvaille, a couple of days into Retrouvaille, I finally got a heartfelt "I'm sorry I had an affair, I was wrong to do it, and I never meant to hurt you, and I will not contact her again." There have not been a lot of other apologies, but that one meant a lot to me.
So many people today are unwilling to apologize for anything, ever. My husband was like that. And even after he was caught having an affair, the apologies were reflexive, "I'm sorry I hurt you." Not, "I'm sorry for having an affair, that was wrong." But I didn't push it, even though I was well aware of the lack of actual sorriness. But at Retrouvaille, a couple of days into Retrouvaille, I finally got a heartfelt "I'm sorry I had an affair, I was wrong to do it, and I never meant to hurt you, and I will not contact her again." There have not been a lot of other apologies, but that one meant a lot to me.
And, well it should... That's a REAL apology...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
@hoosiermama: "so now that it's all out in the open and you're well done, what's next?"
Honestly I don't know. I'm trying, like @aliveandkicking, to be present these days (in the Buddhist sense).
The appointment was made, by WAW, then threatened to be canceled by WAW when I wasn't cooperative on something so trivial I've forgotten what it was. I wrote, "For the record, I didn't say anything about [C]. If you decide not to go, that's your decision, and all I can do is accept that it's your decision. But it is YOUR decision."
That seemed to put the ol' kybosh on cancellation, but as I wrote earlier there's a long road between now and then.
I'm going to try to keep the lines of communication open and improving. I sent her an email, as yet unreplied to (which is good -- means she's not doing her usual knee-jerk misreading / misinterpretation), suggesting we suspend all R talk (to include all D talk, except with respective counsel if necessary), until the appointment so that we maintain whatever it is that passes for a status-quo.
I'm still doing my DB kung-fu -- GALing and TCBing and whatnot -- for me (as usual).
I think I've actually been situationally depressed the last few days. Can't get out of bed in the morn, don't really get anything done during the day, veg out a lot in front of the teevee. My great accomplishment yesterday was getting out of the house and walking down to the local cantina to veg out on their patio and eat a 3-taco combo plato instead of what has become my usual bowl of cereal. So today, though I couldn't get up when I set the alarm, I've been deliberately and consciously TCB around the house here.
With respect to the apology discussion, I'm absolutely on-board with my esteemed colleague @aliveandkicking -- fake apologies are worse than no apology at all -- but like @AlexEN I'm referring to actual, sincere apologies.
I think for those in The Fog of WASdom, an apology is among the most dangerous things out there, along with ILYs, because it appears to me from the sitch's up and down the boards here that WASdom requires the careful and deliberate construction of an alternate reality. Not so alternate that it's like Superman's Bizarro World, but not quite "real" either.
I actually had it described nicely to me by a head-shrinker -- the WAS, he said, looks in a fun-house mirror (you know, the kind that makes you look like a pear or an hour-glass or something) but doesn't see the distortion. To WAS, the image looks "right."
So maybe that's WAW's problem. I don't know. She was never quick with the apology, at least not with me, but she has apologized in the past. Even post-Bomb -- she did clearly apologize for Signore Schmuckatelli, which was pretty brave, though -- and this could be nit-picking because I don't want to diminish that achievement (the apology) of hers -- it was more by way of being "sorry that it happened" and less by way of "sorry I cheated on you."
But I'm going to give her extra-credit for effort regardless because of all the things she might have apologized for -- banging holes in the wall, for example, or chunking a water bottle at my head -- she apologized +/- for the hard thing.
And I actually think it was a bit of a relief for her, because she's referred several times since to him -- unprompted, mind you -- and always in a negative way.
But it's odd. The DB challenge of taking responsibility for yourself really seems to make the Other's unwillingness to do the same stand out in high relief.
And, with respect to a discussion we had on one of the past Adventures of Smiley's Person [which, incidentally, is what the German says in the first line of the first post of this thread -- hat-tip to @PortlandDad], it's one of the things that sometimes makes me wonder about the idea of reconciliation. Is this who she really is? Have I outgrown her?
Well enough of that for now. Looking out my office window I can see that it's going to be sunny and blue and 82 here in Coastal City, and I've got tennis-by-the-sea scheduled for later this evening.
Re: People not knowing or understanding how to apologise.
I don't believe most people have ever witnessed an apology that was sincere - a act of forgiveness or true compassion. Can you think of a time you witnessed your parents or a person in authority do this? So when you apologise, forgive and show compassion to your beloved you are modeling healthy adult behavior to them, possibly for the first time in real life. It takes a secure person to model this as well. It is a act of love is uncomfortable at first. Doubt/fear creeps in to derail the act. Does it make me look weak, do I lose my advantage by doing this, and will I be accepted (known, seen, heard)? What appears to be a vunerable position is actually strong. It is also a healthy sign of detaching. Keep it up guys.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think that apologies that are followed by a specific indication of what is going to be done differently can be very effective.
Instead of, "I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't have done that."
"I'm sorry that I ate all of the peanut butter, from now on I am going to make sure I save some or replace it so there is some left for the kids lunches."
I dunno...IMO the only way to exhibit that an apology is sincere is to a) acknowledge what was done wrong and b) do it differently the next time.
H used to apologize and couldn't even really tell me what he had apologized for...
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SP- Try to push yourself to just DO one more constructive thing. Knock them off the list.
I so relate to wanting to just plop down in front of the TV forever. Maybe watch TV but exercise while your doing it, or go through any piles or things that need going through.
The task of finding a new normal is so daunting in it's enormity, I'm just trying to get there a tiny step at a time...through the fear, the sadness, the nausea, the anger, the concern for my kiddos, the drama, the sleeplessness, through all of it...do those dishes, send that email, write those notes...keep going.
Don't know what to do. WAW asked, in a kind of oblique way, if I was interested in a not-date date next Saturday night. But it was sort-of wedged into a long list of things demonstrating just how busy she is -- Sat nite is the "only" open time, "assuming" we can get a sitter. And she prefaced this long list of activities with "I'm really super busy, but not because I'm dating."
Which is, you know, weird.
So on the one hand I don't want to dismiss a possible opening out of hand.
On the other, I just don't feel real good about it. It would take place 3 days before the first session of Round 2 of MC. She's sort-of made the point that she's really, really busy, so apparently this is some kind of "favor" or something, you know -- that she's carving out time for poor-ol' Smiley's Person. And really I just don't know what the goal would be. We've already agreed not to talk about us. Telephone Coach Jody often says the sitting-across-the-table format is unproductive in these sitchs.
So I don't want to be an a** and say "no" but to be honest I'm not sure I want to say "yes."
