My wife and an old school chum are having an EA. I finally logged onto FB after 3 weeks of being dim and I have noticed some comments between them that border on flirtation (you make me smile) and many of the exchanges (humorous ones) remind me of communication I had between my W and I when we first started dating. It feels innapropriate to me so it must be.
I was hanging out with a friend for a couple of hours and I asked him to define an affair.. he said "if your wife is seeking out something from someone that she should be getting from her husband then it is cheating".. yes.. exactly..
ok.. I am ready to hear some advice now from people that have had to put up with this BS. I am ready to confront this woman and move forward. I am tired of being fearful and I am glad that I logged on to FB even though it confirmed my worst fears.
Ahhh, drew7 - have you seen the photo's and video? Been to the same restaurant? Followed them in the car? I'm not suggesting you do these things - just trying to make a point. Assumption is a bugger of a thing. It'll eat your mind.
Originally Posted By: drew7
I finally logged onto FB after 3 weeks of being dim and I have noticed some comments between them that border on flirtation (you make me smile) and many of the exchanges (humorous ones) remind me of communication I had between my W and I when we first started dating. It feels innapropriate to me so it must be.
Are you sure that you're not reading to much into these exchanges.
Originally Posted By: drew7
I was hanging out with a friend for a couple of hours and I asked him to define an affair.. he said "if your wife is seeking out something from someone that she should be getting from her husband then it is cheating".. yes.. exactly..
I may be very very wrong, but nothing in this first post screams EA to me. If I'd have seen any of this happening between my W and someone on FB the only thing this may trigger is a touch of husbandly jealousy.
Originally Posted By: drew7
ok.. I am ready to hear some advice now from people that have had to put up with this BS. I am ready to confront this woman and move forward. I am tired of being fearful and I am glad that I logged on to FB even though it confirmed my worst fears.
drew7 - please provide a bit more history of your sitch.
Advice for now -
1. Take DEEP breaths (always a good idea) 2. Don't do anything until you've "talked" to the guys here. 3. Keep your cool whatever happens. 4. Do some GALing to take your mind off things whizzing round that head of yours.
Unfortunately this is based on a lot of assumption but she and this other person have a history. A few days before the bomb I asked about him and she said something to the effect "I miss him he was like a pseudo-bf to me when I was at school." This person does live 4 hrs away btw. With us being separated it makes it awfully difficult to really have total concrete proof but at one time this guy was her safety net when she was still in school. Someone that she could be more of a friend with but without having to worry about getting intimate with.
Right now I am not going to re-act. I do need to hear more info from the ppl on here. The thing is though I have not heard one thing from my wife in over 3 weeks. I probably have some mail over there I am sure and still I haven't. It wasn't long that I had the forwarding done so I am sure there is. I suppose I will have to initiate convo and ask her if I do but it seems odd that she hasn't been cooperative to tell me to get mail, etc. She has been before. For some reason she does not want to deal with me at all. Even when it comes to filing D or logistical stuff (mail, etc.)
Anyway I don't plan to be rash until I get more advice. I have a GAL day planned today. I have a DB coach and plan on getting a session soon. I am in a calmer state but the thing is for my sanity I know I am possible going to have to ask her to move things forward because I don't know if she actually will herself. BTW I am in a calmer state of mind. I have been dbing for over 2 months and do understand to keep the anger in check and keep my cool.
..and it really isn't so much about jealousy at this point. It is about me thinking I deserve better than what I have been going through. Call it an EA or not it is inappropriate within a marriage and I know at some point I am going to need answers. I don't plan to push or pressure (if at all) until I get the best advice I can.
Hoosiermama posted this yesterday to someone else, and I thought it was a really good guideline about what constitutes an EA:
Quote:
what makes a relationship an emotional affair? most people agree on the following components: -secrecy -emotional intimacy that takes on greater importance than that in the marital relationship -sexual tension (acknowledged or not)
how would she respond to these statements? You are withdrawing from your spouse. You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more. You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually. The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less. When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends." You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you. You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse. You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts. Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does. You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.
if these aspects are present, then you are completely justified in calling a spade a spade--and an emotional affair an affair.
how would she respond to these statements? You are withdrawing from your spouse. (definitely) You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more. (well they certainly talk more now than when me and W were together) You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually. (yes) The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less. (yes) When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends." (not sure.. have not confronted) You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you. (not sure) You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse. (I wouldn't doubt it) You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts. (sort of - they exchange links on FB that they think they would like) Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does. (my spouse says we are not on the same wavelength) You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse. (no I knew they were always friends and I know they talk to each other a lot more)
I know you are the boards A expert so I was wondering if you have threads that are useful. I know you have a LOT of posts so I hope you could point me to a couple that might be useful
Look for those from May 2007 - Aug 2007 if you want to narrow it down to when she was having her affair, but do you even know enough to determine that that's what's going on in your case, Drew?
No not quite but it looks like the road it is going down. Either way I feel disrepected. I am still her friend on FB and still her spouse and I am seeing them talking more and more and it is obvious they are getting closer. I figure at the very least I need to set some sort of boundary here.
I am thinking about asking her about it and saying that though I can't control it or her they should keep things in private and not expose me to their replies and posts to each other on FB. I want her to know that I feel it is innapropriate and not respectful to me. After all boundaries were an issue in our R. I am the co-dependent type and I know I need to stop being that way for my own sake. I am sure I need to sit on this idea until I get more advice and that is of course what I plan to do.
oh I forgot to mention my W is a classic escapist. She is not one to want to deal with her problems esp. during hard times. This mess we are in was catalyzed by a tragic death in the family. Hell, as far as I know she hasn't even filed for D though I know she has drawn up papers. Anyway, I am going to shut up now and go on that hike I promised myself today.
