Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Several points.

In your Zen example there are several items worth noting. First, the cup was empty to begin with, Second, and this is really the important point, the reaction of the professor is rooted in the following: "there is something wrong" and by extention whether something should or should not "be" a certain way. Third, the reaction is that there is something to be "fixed."

I am aware that the title of this forum "The Sex-Starved Marriage" embodies, by implication, these three parts: "there's something wrong," it should not be this way and there is something to be fixed and a way to fix it.

While my sexless marriage is not a future that I foresaw or one that I overtly sought to create, it is the marriage that I have. I stand here in the present looking to the future and ask is this present (and being informed by the past) one that I wish to continue; literally do I remain true to my word? Do I accept the doctor's information that 30% of all women who go through the cicumstances that my wife went through, ending in a hysterectomy, end up with no sex drive and a sexless marriage and that she is part of this category. (~50% display reduced to much reduced sex drive and the remainder show no change or an increased sex drive). For medical reasons, my wife is not a candidate for hormone therapy. I've been to those forums and read the complaints of the husbands ( no or little sex) and the wives (ranging from feeling guilty over the lack of sex even though they still love their husbands to complaining about the affairs that have occurred as a result, to "I wish he would just leave me alone"). I know what that road looks like.


Or standing in the present, do I create a future that has sex included as part of a marriage or a relationship. I can "fix" my sexless life, that' easy. It's in the context of this marriage where it does not seem probable or likely. What do I choose for the rest of my life /our lives.

I've done enough coaching and had enough training in coaching to have an openess and awareness that there can be unexpected "wax on, wax off" possibilities or the reminder that I already know what I need to know and do and the reminder is just a way of remembering.

I will address the specific issues raised by Bagheera in a separate post to Bagheera a little later.


To love someone unconditionally is not to care who they are or what they do.

Unconditional love, on the surface, looks the same as indifference.