That's awesome!! It's "old" for what you were doing?? Say's who!! It's nice to do something out of the ordinary like that once in a while. I can just picture that!
Hey, I thought Sssssteven through Guyrene's stuffed animal in the river. Wasn't that after she told him that a relationship between him and her would never work, because he is a .....um light in the loafers.
You do realize I'm gonna catch sooo much crap for actually knowing this right?? Oh well...nothing new. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.
I'm glad to see your getting out and having fun. Doing that and having a good understanding of what is happening helps a lot when it comes to your patience and perspective.
Does anyone have any advice for this? My meddling MIL (yes, the root of the MLC!!!) lives about 5 minutes away. She likes to take the kids quite a bit, which used to be nice when H & I used the time to spend together. Now it only gives him an excuse to be able to run around & do as he pleases.
The biggest problem is that she will make plans w/H & half the time he will not communicate the plans to me. It is then a shock to me that my kids will not be home on Sat. night bc they are sleeping at grandmas. I have told H that since he is not communicating effectively w/me right now, that I feel plans need to be run by me AND him before one parent gives the ok. He seemed to be okay with this, but it continues to happen.
Should I say something to MIL? I have a feeling she would just use it to try & drive even more of a wedge between us...
As much as I don't think she wants to see us D...after all, she only thinks of herself & what would happen to her seeing GKs if that happens? Much more limited time with them for her. On the other hand, she is LOVING the attention she now gets from H w/me basically out of the picture.
It's actually pretty sickening to see their relationship now.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Many times throughout this journey you will be faced with issues such as this. I completely understand where your coming from. My ex has the kids every other weekend and at least one of those days, she will leave them at her parents.
This is where you need to find a balance. Yes, it's jacked up to us normal folks, but remember what you are dealing with right now. I can understand your frustration. Are you more upset with that fact you are not being included or the fact that this means more "me time" for your H? Because the "me time" isn't going to stop for a while regardless of the outcome here.
We must pick and choose our battles wisely. How big of an issue do you want to make of this? You need to use caution, in HIS world, this could be viewed as controlling. I do agree that you being their mother, need to be informed of where your children will be staying, but if your looking at this as an opportunity to stop the teenage "me time" I don't feel that it will.
I think you answered your own question when it comes to saying something to your MIL. I would say no. The less she is involved, the better.
When it comes to their relationship right now, think teenager. This is no surprise, strange isn't it?
Ultimately it boils down to finding a balance as to what you will and won't put up with. Many times we must ask ourselves if this is the hill you are prepared to die on?
Take a little time and think of a way to possibly presenting this to him that gets your point across about keeping BOTH parents informed and included, without coming across as controlling in the MLC world.
I'll recommend for Michele to list "a beer bong" under GAL ideas! Great idea, Hopeful!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hopeful, I would tend to think from what you've shared that if you could avoid dealing with MIL and work with your H, that would be the better option.
So, how do you both discuss weekend plans re: the children? Do you somehow review the activities for the weekend, which include your MIL and the children?
Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Ok I too have a nutty MIL. H and I always discussed everything regarding her and S but we were also on the same page with it for a long time. These last couple of years, H has sort of decided S is old enough to make his own choices and I think he has wished S would have wanted more contact but understood why he didn't.
Very recently, I had to make my choices as well. I had to decide what I was going to allow for my S in this situation and what I thought was the best for him, regardless of what H or S thought. I never wanted to be one of those mothers who kept her child from his grandparents but as I see that she has not changed her behaviors in any way and H is in La La Land, I cannot leave S to flounder. I have only spoken of my boundaries with H and S but they are in place now. You may really have to set boundaries with H and maybe with her if he will not tell her.
They don't really know how to deal with their parents and that is part of the problem in MLC. Just be prepared for the anger that will come if you set boundaries because you are then being the "bad" guy again. I did it because I had to protect my S. I do not want him so damaged that he will go through what H is going through now (of course I couldn't put it to H that was). In the past, I went behind and cleaned up all of her messes. I can't do that anymore because it is not good for me. So I have had to take an offensive stance. Can't protect H though. Wish I could. But I have told him that is his thing to deal with.
If you have reasons other than it will make it harder for H to run around, then do what you feel is right. If it is simply to stop him, you might want to rethink it a little. H will just find another way to do what he wants, until he decides it isn't what he wants anymore. The thing I have tried so hard to remember during this is that they are like children or teenagers, and if you think back to when you were a kid, I'm sure you will remember that the more your parents told you NOT to do something, the harder you worked, the sneakier you became, to find a way to do it. It is human nature. Good luck, this was something I really struggled with.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Almost, Wow, Alexis Colby? MIL ain't that attractive!
Trapt & Cat, Thanks for your advice. I am NOT doing this to keep H from going out. It is bc I feel that, as the mother, I should at least get the respect of making a decision in what my children do & don't do. MIL is already taking them on vacation for 1 week beginning of Aug so I think it's going a little overboard to have them stay this past weekend at her house. She only lives 5 minutes away - she can see them whenever she wants w/o having them spend the night.
Journaling...H is getting stranger by the day...it is so gradual, I wonder if I am just imagining things...but I know better, he is morphing into a teenager before my very eyes...
He no longer does ANY household chores...he will mow the lawn, do a project, etc (but only things that keep him busy & away from me)...no day to day things. If he eats at the coffee table, his dirty plate will just stay there until I get it. If he has a couple of beers out on the deck, they stay out on the deck.
He no longer tells me when he is leaving or says good-bye...he just goes. When he goes to bed, he doesn't say goodnight, he just goes upstairs. We went to church, I sat too close, he stood up & moved another foot away. He does NOT try to fake that there are no problems. He doesn't care who knows (or at least his actions make me think this - who knows MLC crazy).
An old college friend of ours came to say overnight last night (male). H had been playing bball when friend arrived, when H came home, he just said hi to friend. No friendly usual hug. Drove friend in his car to get beer, friend said H fish tailed car in some gravel & started driving 60+ mph (in a 40) around a really windy road. Friend was scared.
I'm thinking the bomb must have been dropped earlier than most in my sitch...that's why I thought he was a WAH for so long...not so much anymore
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
