Although, I've been DB'ing for 1 year, we have been dealing with a dissentigrating marriage for 5 years. It came to a head back in 2004 when I found out about his first PA. He gave me the ILYBINILWY last summer, hmmmmmm, just about 1 year to the day from today, and we separated. WOW, time flies...
We've done it all, MC twice, IC both of us, marraige conferences, etc. From all of this, we are both now understanding and "owning" our own stuff thats caused it. But I do think you are correct about how the WAS being embarrassed, ashamed, and riddled with guilt over it. He didn't understand that "forgiveness" did not go hand and hand with "forgeting". He thought I would never forgive him for it. When in reality, I was just so overwelmed with life and his lack of interest and help in our family and in me, that he was a "target" frequently for my anger. I will say, I do still feel anger about his PA and it didn't help that he had an EA while we were separated. But thanks to DB'ing and IC, I realize I don't have to accept that anger. That I was only damaging myself with it.
As far as for our conversation about "everyone else gets to have an A and I didn't seem to get the memo on that one! And whats wrong with me, that I don't seem to get that opportunity", it started off ok but he got really offended that I would want that to happened and that it pissed him off. I reply that I am not saying this because I want it do happen but I am saying it because it makes me feel so undesirable. I tell him its just about how the situation makes me FEEL. He says he understands that but doesn't like it. Hmmmm. My only response was "Well I guess it would be hard for you to understand because you have always been on the other side of it. You don't seem to have a shortage of women knocking down your door to replace me with."
Just typing that stung....Needless to say, that was the end of that conversation and nothing has been said about it since.
I realized that my anger was raging just because of that, so yesterday, I tried my best to put that out of my head and focus on been a content person. Did help that we had to go pick up DD11 from away camp!! I missed that girl!!
I don't really think the man will every TRULY be able to open up about his feelings. Its really hard to gage a R with someone that's so bottle up about his feelings with their S but seems to have NO problem at all talking about them with strange women.....
